By this point you’ve probably heard that the jury selection process for the trial of so-called “pharma bro” Martin Shkreli was somewhat troublesome, thanks to the fact that anyone who gets a good look at him is instantly revulsed. This is not a good thing for the fair application of justice, even if he can do something about his smug face.
Well, the process was even wilder than originally thought. Harpers Magazine has published excerpts from the record of the jury selection process, and they are funny as fuck. It proves beyond shadow of a doubt that the process was so protracted because prospective jurors spent most of their time enthusiastically conveying just how loathsome they found Shkreli to be.
Pour one out for Juror 1, who makes it entirely clear that putting them on the jury would constitute a complete abnegation of justice:
JUROR NO. 1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.
LAWYER: I’m sorry.
JUROR NO. 1: I think he’s a greedy little man.
COURT: Jurors are obligated to decide the case based only on the evidence. Do you agree?
JUROR NO. 1: I don’t know if I could. I wouldn’t want me on this jury.
Or Juror 144, who hates the very sight of Shkreli and is not afraid to admit it:
JUROR NO. 144: I heard through the news of how the defendant changed the price of a pill by up-selling it. I heard he bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars.
THE COURT: The question is, have you heard anything that would affect your ability to decide this case with an open mind. Can you do that?
JUROR NO. 144: I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.
But pour the biggest one out for our dear friend Juror 159, who understands the true nature of Shkreli’s crimes:
JUROR NO. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because —
THE COURT: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?
JUROR NO. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.
THE COURT: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.
JUROR NO. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.
Seriously, read the whole thing. It is great.
