Here at P.TV, we have our own style quirks. We spell it ‘ass’ instead of ‘arse’ (it’s funnier). We use ‘Fkn’ if we’re really pressed for space in a headline. We Proper-Case The Headline In This Dramatic Fashion Because It Makes You Read Silly Things In The ‘News Voice’. We will say ‘spenno’ instead of ‘expensive’ because one time a guy in the comments got very mad about it and now it’s funny to use it all the time. These are the things that we do because they are in our house style guide. The Daily Mail also has a house style guide.

These style guide rules seemingly mostly pertain to detailing women’s outfits in excruciating detail (especially when it’s not relevant to the story), putting random words in the headline in ALL-CAPS for emphasis, and in describing things that are not at all important as if they are very, very dramatic.

Now, this is a huge block of text to digest, but it really needs to be enjoyed in its entirety:

Scandal: Malia Obama Has Been Spotted Drinking At The Tender Age Of Just 20

Absorbed that? The terrifying prospect that Malia Obama has let wine into her system at the young, young age of just 20? Let’s revisit the highlights:

Scandal: Malia Obama Has Been Spotted Drinking At The Tender Age Of Just 20

HOW FASCINATING.

Scandal: Malia Obama Has Been Spotted Drinking At The Tender Age Of Just 20

Please don’t be weird.

Scandal: Malia Obama Has Been Spotted Drinking At The Tender Age Of Just 20

You’re being weird.

It’s probably also worth mentioning that the $80 figure cited there is how much it costs to buy a bottle of wine at the resort, back in the real, non-resort world, it’s a $20 bottle of wine. (Still a bit pricey for my simple tastes but certainly not a partying-like-Elon-Musk situation.)

The reaction from the conservative media world was, exactly as you’d anticipate, perfectly normal:

People took to Twitter to vent their anger that someone who is four months away from being 21 drank some rosé with friends:

Sending thoughts and prayers to America, where hopefully they will one day reduce the drinking age down from 45 to 18, and thoughts prayers to the Daily Mail, whose employees must surely have cramps from clutching their pearls so hard all the time.

Image: Getty Images / Kevin Mazur