Every single person’s dream for when they quit their job is to list off their grievances directly into the faces of the people they believed have wronged them. It’s impossible to spend that many hours with a group of people without forming opinions about them, and they are almost always negative. Few of us are afforded the opportunity to actually act this out; most of us are desperate to ensure that we leave with a good reference and most of us find conflict uncomfortable. The closest I’ve come was being mildly passive aggressive in my goodbye email for a job that tore my soul out through my nostrils, and even that was a rush of pure ecstatic bliss.
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Malcolm Turnbull — a wafer-thin shell of a human being who decided to betray any convictions he had for the incredible reward of being unceremoniously ousted by his friends and colleagues — has taken a similar route in saying goodbye to his soon-to-be-former constituents.
Turnbull has announced that, as of Friday, he will be resigning from Parliament, vacating the seat of Wentworth and clearing the way for a by-election. In a letter that he posted to Facebook today, Turnbull thanked the people of Wentworth for giving him the opportunity to represent them and listed off his greatest achievements (we have some feelings about his attempt to claim marriage equality as one of them, which we will not detail here). He also took a few characteristically limp parting shots at the people that ousted him, including a thinly veiled shot at Abbott.
In the distinct manner of a catty bitch, Turnbull stated that he doesn’t want to “dwell on recent shocking and shameful events“, namely a “malevolent and pointless week of madness that disgraced our Parliament and appalled our nation.” Then why mention it, dipshit.
He also made a gentle reference to the schism over climate change that was the catalyst for his ousting:
While the Liberal Party struggles to find internal consensus on climate change policies, we have nonetheless made real strides to support the transition to cleaner, renewable energy sources and lower greenhouse gas emissions.
I wonder if those ‘real strides’ involve the decision they just made to completely ditch any emissions targets from the NEG.
Most importantly, though, was this line, seemingly singling out Abbott and blaming him for the leadership spill:
As you know, I have always said that the best place for former PMs is out of the Parliament, and recent events amply demonstrate why.
The ultimate power move here would have been to call Tony Abbott a dickhead, don his leather jacket, and peel off into the sunrise, but I guess actually doing stuff is not really Turnbull’s style.
Bye mate, I hope being unbelievably rich is a consolation for your complete failure as a politician.
