Spring has sprung and the magpies are sharpening their claws as they speak, but what does swooping season mean for you and your astrological star sign? Be sure NOT to leave your crystals on the windowsill to charge, friends, lest they get nabbed by Australia’s most menacing of winged creatures.
Magpies are some of the most intelligent birds, and when they feel territorial over their little bebes they will not hesitate to STRIKE. It’s giving real Earth sign energy.
According to Magpie Alert, there have been 2219 magpie attacks in 2022 alone and 281 injuries.
Many humans have tried to map out where the magpies will swoop, but predicting such a thing is futile. Magpies do not operate on logic or reason. They’re intelligent because they actually swoop in patterns that represent each of the star signs.
Okay, that last line is a complete lie, but it doesn’t hurt to believe that the humble (and violent) magpie is as into astrology as much as your inner west Sydney housemate is.
Without further ado, here’s what swooping season will mean for your star sign:
This swooping season you will have a tremendous glow-up. You will also probably get swooped.
Not even the ram and its horns can instil fear into the hearts of a magpie.
You may be stubborn but a magpie is stubborner (it’s not a word but magpies don’t know that).
You will in fact be swooped. Your partner will also be swooped. So will your siblings.
Don’t have a partner OR siblings? No refunds on prophecy, I’m sorry.
TWO magpies will swoop you, one for each personality.
In the wise words of Missy Elliott (who is also a Cancer): “run for cover motherfucker”.
This season you will find the love of your life. You will have the most romantic months of your life, and also get swooped by a pair of magpies who are also in love.
You will be swiped by a virgin magpie (that relates to Virgos, right?).
On the great scales of the Libra are two sides: getting swooped and staying safe.
Beware of the number 16 these next few days. I don’t know why but I dare not question my sources (my source is in fact a magpie).
Good news my friends, you will not be swooped by a magpie this swooping season. You will however be stung by a scorpion.
Finally a productive couple of months! Well done Sagittarians!
So productive in fact, that you will even manage to tick off “getting swooped” from your bucket list!
You should really consider picking up reading. May I suggest Magpie by Elizabeth Day?
Don’t cry Pisces, wipe those tears! The magpies are thirsty and they will in fact mistake you for a water fountain.