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A joke yes, but it got me thinking about actual, physically filthy humans who need a good rinse in life. Is there a less demeaning way for them to partake in a good cleanse before going indoors? An affordable way that still feels relatively luxurious?
Of course me’ horse: an outdoor shower.
Usually reserved only for the filthy rich, Bali-based Insta peacocks or a public beach (the only place where you somehow manage to feel ever filthier after the rinse), it turns out you don’t need a visible ass crack to get this one done. Tbh, you don’t even need to be that crafty at all.
1. THE RIGHT ANGLE SHOWER (via Home Jelly)
If you’re able to find a 90-degree angle in your backyard, like a patio sitch held up by beams, it’s pretty easy to make an outdoor shower happen. You pretty much need a hose and some clamps (or cable ties / rope if the former pisses off mummy) and you’re golden.
1 x Garden hose
1 x Spray nozzle (with shower setting)
1 x Cordless drill with Phillips head and 1/16 drill bits
3 x C clamps
6 x screws
How to do it:
See the full tutorial here (which will tell you how to create an actual base too, but you’ll need some wood for that additionally), but basically:
– Secure the hose along the vertical length of the existing or created beam.
– When it reaches the corner of the 90-degree angle, position the remainder of the hose along the horizontal beam to create the natural shape of a shower.
– Get a slab of astroturf for your feet to make it look a lil’ bit nice, or wind fake leaves around it to hide the exposed hose.
– If you wanna be extra lush, don’t worry about the shower setting of a spray nozzle. Have a bucket with holes drilled out of it hanging around the horizontal beam, while also being positioned underneath the regular hose for a shower effect.
2. WHAT A TREET SHOWER (via Sweet Paul)
If you’re a real dropkick like myself you might want something easier. You can instead take the idea of the above and use it on a tree, because where the branches spurt should be close enough to an angle that’ll allow it.
What you need:
1 x Tree
1 x Shower head
1 x Rope
How to do it:
– Fasten the shower head to the end of the hose.
– Wind the hose around the trunk of the tree and the chosen branch, then fasted the shower head where it should sit.
– Extra points if you have a drain in the backyard you can position it over.
3. THE YES I ‘CAN’ SHOWER (via Instructables)
This one takes some handiwork but it’s minimal, and even gives you the chance to have a heated stream splashed upon the body parts of your choice.
What you need:
1 x garden hose
1 x 3/4 Male / Female garden hose fitting
1 x 3/4 Male / Female garden hose fitting with valve
1 x Large shelf bracket
1 x Small shelf bracket
1 x O ring hose washer
6 x 5/8 stainless wood screws
6 x zip ties
1 x can of VB or your fave bevvy
1 x large bag of smooth stones (optional – do you want it to look semi luxe or not?)
1 x Cordless drill
1 x Stanley knife
1 x Wooden spoon
How to do it:
For a step-by-step tutorial, visit here.
Alternatively there’s some readymade optiions on eBay which are kind of hideous (like so) but where’s the fun in that?
Literally customise all of the above ideas to your own personal vibes (replace the beer can for a duct-taped goon bag with some holes poked in it?).
Just make sure when you wash yourself down that you remember to reapply your SPF30-50+ sunscreen. It’s a big boo boo that so many Aussies make this time of year. Find out more here.
