I’ve found it! I have officially found the best Twitter account in existence. No, I’m not talking about Twitter king Frankie Muniz, I’m talking about Jurassic Park Updates, baby.
We’re less than 24 hours into Melbourne’s second coronavirus-fuelled lockdown and – you guessed it – we’re already bored out of our fucking brains.
But if, like me, you exhausted your entire Netflix/Stan/Disney+/Prime library in the first lockdown, you’re in luck because the @jurassicpark2go Twitter account is bound to provide at least an hour worth of entertainment for you.
The account, which has absolutely no affiliation with the film franchise, launched with a truly iconic tweet on July 6.
oh shit
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
To put it simply, this is just a dinosaur-themed shit-posting account. But hoo boy, it’s a really good one.
Maybe it’s the isolation talking, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve watched Jurassic Park 47 times this year, or maybe it’s the copious amount of iso-beers I’ve downed since February, but this account has truly made my life.
Despite absolutely nobody asking for this content, @jurassicpark2go is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
the dinosaurs are so big today
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
We’ve seen these parody accounts before, usually mocking IRL theme parks like DisneyWorld or Universal Studios, but chucking a prehistoric spin on it really ups the ante here.
if anyone sees a dinosaur in like a random place let us know haha
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
if a dinosaur approaches you tell it to knock it off
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
Just saw one
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
We’ll probably never know what a real life Jurassic Park would be like, hopefully because scientists learned from John Hammond’s fictional mistakes. But at least we can now sleep soundly knowing we’ve experienced what it would be like if Jurassic Park live-tweeted their park shenanigans.
Stop complaining about our disgusting bathrooms. We have dinosaurs. We are a miracle
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
if you are ever eaten by one of our dinosaurs you will probably be fine
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
Is this a sign that somebody has *way* too much free time in iso? Look, probably. But one man’s iso-fuelled madness is another man’s treasure… or something like that.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
It’s some truly deranged content, but somebody has to write it.
if we catch you rubbing peanut butter on your crotch so a dinosaur will suck you off, you will be banned from the park immediately
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
due to backlash from several organizations, we are no longer trying to engineer a dinosaur with magnificent breasts
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
To quote the great Jeff Goldblum himself, this twitter user was “so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn
we have developed a velociraptor that smokes cigarettes
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
our founder john hammond was a world class guy who had a crazy dream (dino park) and he frickin’ nailed it (the dino park)
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020
EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP HATING ON THIS PARK!!!
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020
At least we’re getting much needed updates like “we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020
But please, I’m begging you, stop asking if the dinosaurs spit or swallow. This is a family park.
THIS IS A FAMILY PARK FOR CHRIST SAKES!!! Please stop asking tour guides if the Dinosaurs spit or swallow.
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020
