Billionaires: they’re just like you and me. They might live in more opulent houses, eat better food, own speedboats, and generally enjoy a life which is just an endless procession of things they love, but ultimately they’re human beings. Like us, they also publish lengthy blog posts about drama going on in their life. Like Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, the richest man on the planet, who was forced to do a post about how people are trying to leak his nudes.

It’s a long, rambling post, but the gist of it is that – possibly thanks to a deep political/media conspiracy – American Media, owners of the National Enquirer, have been threatening Bezos with the publication of his n00dz, which emerged as part of the sexting scandal which destroyed his marriage.

With the blog, Bezos says he’s getting ahead of the story and exposing the extortionate proposal” of AMI and its chief, the appropriately named Gavin Pecker. He posted an email from Dylan Howard, the chief content officer at AMI, which outlined in detail the photographs they allegedly have in their possession.

That’s why you clicked on this story, so I provide them to you forthwith:

In addition to the “below the belt selfie — otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’” — The Enquirer obtained a further nine images. These include:

· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.

· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.

· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.

· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.

· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.

· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.

Most of them are pretty standard sexting gear, and I pass no judgement on Bezos or his alleged mistress for the majority of the contents revealed. There is one I simply must call out, as it is unacceptable regardless of the status of your bank account:

A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

Your boner poking out of the zipper of your cargo shorts? Folks, not even $100 billion can buy taste.

That being said, I do appreciate that he sends selfies in business meetings. No matter how high-value your meetings get, there’s always room for an “at work lol wbu” text.

Bezos says he’s posting this despite the personal cost and embarrassment they threaten,” because of the nature of the blackmail threatened against him. Bezos alleges that Pecker and his crew are threatening to post the nudes because of an investigation by the Washington Post – which Bezos owns – into whether Pecker has been using his tabloids, including the Enquirer, for political ends. Do you see how much I like writing ‘Pecker’? I love writing Pecker.

Here’s Bezos:

In the AMI letters I’m making public, you will see the precise details of their extortionate proposal: They will publish the personal photos unless Gavin de Becker and I make the specific false public statement to the press that we “have no knowledge or basis for suggesting that AMI’s coverage was politically motivated or influenced by political forces.”

But there you go folks. Now you know how the richest man in the world horny texts, thanks to his own Medium blog. What a time to be alive!