Australia, we have a problem.

Correction, we have a horny problem, in that everyone in Australia is not only thirsty for Victoria’s Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton, but that they’re being horny in public about it.

Now don’t get me wrong. Brett is a silver fox. There he is, every day, at the Dan Andrews press conferences, providing an update on The Situation and letting us all know that we can, indeed, get through this.

I get it! There’s nothing quite like an authority figure telling you it’s all going to be okay for The Horn to rear its rude head. I imagine if I were ever in a life-or-death situation and my rescuer was below the age of 70 and still possessed most of his teeth, then I would develop a crush at light-speed.

But do you all have to be so horny… in public?

On Facebook, there’s a page called ‘Brett Sutton is HOT‘, with more than 8,500 likes. There’s a ‘Brett Sutton fan club group‘ (2,000 members) and a ‘Brett Sutton Peakposting’ group (1,100 members).

Somewhat jokingly (I think), fans have called themselves ‘Suttonettes’ who tune in to watch the CHOttie event (also known as the daily COVID-19 briefings).

This photo of a young Brett Sutton is bandied around quite a bit. I’m pretty sure this was originally circulated by the Department of Health and Human Services.

Just LOOK what happens when I type ‘Brett Sutton’ into Google.

That’s on incognito mode, by the way, otherwise you’d quickly realise I’ve already searched ‘Brett Sutton married’, ‘Brett Sutton girlfriend’ and ‘Brett Sutton dating WHO’.

On TikTok, Aussies are thirsting for their coronabae Brett.

@young.money.dmcVictorians real thirsty right now. ##australia ##danielandrews ##brettsutton ##thesimpsons ##thirsty ##melbourne ##victoria♬ original sound – young.money.dmc

@mollyanneliese##Aussie ##fyp ##brettsutton ##ifyouknowyouknow♬ original sound – caitstap

And that’s not even the worst of it. Oh no. Not by a long shot. There is an erotic fan fiction Twitter account, featuring sentences like, “You try to cram your orgasm back into your body, but it’s too late”, and, “Professor Sutton gently pulls you forward by your legs, so your body hangs off the bed from the thighs down.” If this is how you’re getting off, maybe you should see a doctor. Not Brett Sutton.

Last week, it was incorrectly reported that Brett Sutton was stepping down – in a pandemic. Not only was this devastating news vis-à-vis Victoria’s escalating crisis, but who were terrified Melburnians supposed to get toey to at 11am each morning? Dan Andrews? I don’t think so.

(Turns out, the ‘news’ was a complete fuck-up, and the poor man had just taken a quick break.)

I will admit, I am not immune (to either Brett’s raw sexual energy or the coronavirus). I have typed the words ‘brett is daddy’ into Pedestrian’s very own horny Slack chat. There’s no denying it: he is daddy.

But that’s the kind of chat that should be saved for your private messages*. And, I guess, PEDESTRIAN.TV now.

*Speaking of private messages – Brett if you’re not married and can ever leave Melbourne again, DM me.