What sounds do you associate with summer in Australia? Is it the sizzle of a barbecue? The crashing of waves at a beach perhaps? Maybe it’s the sound of collective booing as the wrong song systematically wins Triple J’s Hottest 100 each year.
Incorrect. The right answer of what summer sounds like is the sacred Aussie chant cried across the nation every boiling hot morning: “Bloody flies.”
And apparently, thanks to a “perfect storm of weather conditions” there’s going to be even MORE than usual this summer. FFS (For Flies Sake).
Move over The Summer I Turned Pretty, because with an El Niño heatwave, unaffordable ice cream (shout out to cozzie livs), and the news of a plague of flies, the summer of 23/24 is about the be forever known as the summer I turned into a slimy sweaty grouchy gremlin.
Folks, this simply will not suffice. To invoke St Katter, “I aint spendin’ any more time on it”. I will not spend another summer allowing these annoying buzzing bastards to ruin my Paddle Pops.
Why are there so many flies?
It’s estimated that over 30,000 species of flies live in Australia. Just like tourists, they love it here during the warm summer weather, but leave when it cools back down.
While the weather is cold, most adult flies die. However their eggs and larvae live on, dormant and unhatched, waiting for the weather to heat up again. When the winter doesn’t get too cold, it means more of the larvae survives, which results in the buttload of flies we have now.
As well as the weather though, flies are also big fans of sweaty people, which this heatwave is also bringing around a plague of, because flies feed on sweat. I did not know this. That’s disgusting.
According to Professor Mark Elgar from University of Melbourne’s School of BioSciences, flies “feed on the secretions that contain protein, carbohydrates, salts and sugars, dead skin cells and the bacterial growth that blooms in our sweat.”
This is why flies such as the bush fly will decide to gather in the masses around a sweaty bloke at the beach’s back, as evident in this viral TikTok.
@jezbreezy ON HIS BACK?! #sydney #flies ♬ Flight of the Bumble Bee – The Vienna Symphony Orchestra
Or up the nose of this poor traveller. RIP.
@vonniemaria These flies are no joke in Australia
♬ Wake Me Up – Avicii
Flies also can increase their population at wildly fast rates.
“Adult flies increase in number in summer when warmer temperatures speed up the lifecycle, meaning 100 to 200 eggs may hatch within a few hours of being laid and the larvae develop quickly,” explains Elgar.
There, now you know why there’s about a million flies for each person at your house party at the moment. But before people can complain, here’s what you can do for some insect relief.
How can I get rid of the flies?
Flies, arseholes as they may be, are still vital in the food chain. Flies help pollinate, and farmers across the world welcome them for this reason.
Therefore the aim of winning fly warfare should not be to kill them, but to make them leave.
Some of the best fly deterrents are:
- Repellents that contain the chemicals Picaridin or DEET, such as Aerogard, which can be applied to skin.
- Growing herbs with fresh scents like basil, thyme, and lavender.
- Citronella oil and candles — again, flies love rotting / sweaty smells, not fresh ones.
- “Keeping the fly screen door closed,” as stated by every dad in the country.
- Watching your environment isn’t attracting flies — so keeping covers over food and emptying bins regularly.
If you’re still looking for ways to keep them off your body, you can also try wearing longer and looser clothes sleeves so the flies can’t get to your sweat.
Another great reason to invest in linen shirts. Fellas, get onto this ASAP. Your girlfriend will thank you.
There’s an exquisite tweet flying around the internet that reads: “I pray nobody kills me for the crime of being small.”
That sentiment is beautiful, and deeply impactful.
And while I would argue that these flies are guilty of a lot more crimes than being small, all the energy I would use to put together a decent prosecution I have already spent swatting at my back.
Well played flies, well played.
