A Brissie Woman’s Been Bitten On The Ass By A Snake While On The Toot

There are few things in this world more terrifying to an Australian than what can lurk in your toot. Just by polling the office quickly, I’ve heard of huntsmen hiding under the toilet rim, cockroaches hidden under the lid – hell, I’ve personally experienced not one, but THREE frogs jump into the bowl when I’ve flushed.

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Well, prepare to never do your business in a toilet again, because a Brissie woman’s just told The Courier Mail a, frankly, completely fucked tale of being BITTEN ON THE BUMOLEY by a carpet python while on the shitter.

Absolutely burn your house down. Credit: Supplied.

Helen Richards, 59, went to the toilet in the dark earlier this week (Helen, that’s your first mistake right there. Everything bad happens in the dark).

“I felt this sharp tap and a little bit of pain. I thought it was a green frog, but then I thought green frogs don’t have teeth,” she told the publication.


I personally would not fucking turn around and look in the bowl and would instead just run screaming, with no pants on, all the way to the hospital where I would remain screaming until someone just cut my whole ass off. But Helen, the brave soul, turned and had a peek at what sank its fangs into her butt.

‘I jumped up with my pants down and turned around to see what looked like a longneck turtle receding back into the bowl,” she said.

She then realised it was actually a carpet python, and instead of going all Russell Coight on the situation she sensibly called her local snake catcher (yes, really. REALLY.) to come remove the beast. BUT! Not before she… closed the toilet lid and for good measure, put two FUCKING POT PLANTS on top. I love this woman. This is some 10/10 bullshit I would do, just assume the snake would swell to an otherworldly size and burst out of my closed toilet to consume me whole.

Jasmine Zeleny, the local snake catcher, told The Courier Mail that, in fact, it’s not that weird for snakes to lurk in your toilet.

Snakes appearing in toilets is often as simple as them just navigating the pipes, and every now and then, a snake may reach that particular end point which is the toilet bowl.

I’M SORRY WHAT??? THE??? FUCK???? If snakes are navigating our bloody toot pipes then I want to cancel this planet and start a new snake-free one.