Bigfoot, Who Is Real & My Friend, Is Under Serious Threat Thanks To A Proposed Hunting Season

Lawmakers in the US state of Oklahoma have introduced legislation that, if passed, will see the state permit an annual open hunting season on the mythical Bigfoot, the majestic ape of lore who is strong, real, and my friend.

Per reports from the US, Republican state representative Justin Humphrey has submitted a bill to state legislature that would implement and regulate an annual Bigfoot hunting season in Oklahoma, despite the creature’s long history of non-violence and seclusion.

If enacted, the bill would impel the Oklahoma Wildlife Conservation Commission to establish the annual hunting season, with those interested in bringing harm to Earth’s gentle wanderer able to do so after obtaining the appropriate licenses and paying the associated fees.

Humphrey issued a statement in conjunction with the bill’s introduction, asserting that potential slaughtering of the innocent and mighty beast would serve as a grand tourism initiative for Oklahoma, a state whose main tourism exports up until now consisted of Brad Pitt’s birthplace, a musical everyone only knows one word of, and Stealing An NBA Team From Seattle.

“Tourism is one of the biggest attractions we have in my House district,” Humphrey stated. He then continued, displaying a callous lack of care for the life of one of the most precious and fragile beings sauntering about the deep woods: “Establishing an actual hunting season and issuing licences for people who want to hunt Bigfoot will just draw more people to our already beautiful part of the state… if they find Bigfoot while they’re at it, well hey, that’s just an even bigger prize.” That prize, according to Humphrey, make take the form of a $25,000 bounty. A grotesquely small price for the life of the handsome cryptid, who is as wise as he is tall.

Oklahoma has an unusually large amount of recorded Bigfoot sightings, and is the host of an annual Bigfoot Festival and Conference. It remains to be seen how Bigfoot enthusiasts will take to such a bloodthirsty initiative.

Bigfoot himself has not issued comment on the matter, maintaining his sworn oath to not interfere with human life lest his magical aura corrupt the fragile homosapien mind, condemning all to madness. Though he has written for this publication in the past, in a rare public communique.

The legislation is due to be considered by the Oklahoma assembly next month.