The Australian Bird Of The Year For 2017 Is The Spiteful Magpie

Despite our passionate and righteous advocacy for the hideous bush turkey for the 2017 Bird of the Year competition, it shamefully did not even crack the top 10. The actual bird of the year in the Guardian Australia and BirdLife Australia competition was the hateful magpie, with 19,926 votes.

The competition hoped to democratically select Australia’s best bird – a Herculean task which should never, ever have been left to direct democracy.

It just edged out the noble ibis / bin chicken, which was the subject of a huge volume of internet advocacy and scored a respectable 19,083 votes, clearly destroying the third place contender, the kookaburra (also known as the ‘loser bird’).

We consider the fact that the bush turkey – the plump and moronic bird everyone loves to hate – didn’t even make the top ten as a direct repudiation of our clout as a media organisation.  Why didn’t you listen to us, people of Australia?

Nonetheless, we respect the magpie. The magpie is indeed the only bird with the sheer grit, moxie and determination to stare in the face of human civilisation and say “No.” This bird, imbued with the power of millions of years of dinosaurid evolution, is constantly at war with the soft, pliable skulls of primary school students, which it swoops and pecks with wild abandon.

This is a bird which stares down upon us from the trees above with supernatural intelligence – a bird which was presented with the rare gift of superior cognition and decided to use it exclusively for murder. That is something we have no choice but to respect. Australia – you have made your choice.

Some agree, others do not:

We submit to our magpie emperors. We hope that this act of deference is enough to assure them will be obedient subjects. Please: do not swoop us. We come in peace.