The sunny state of Queensland seems to be embroiled in a never-ending war against vapers. Specifically, vapers who duck out of their Modern History class to slurp a grape-flavoured Gunnpod in the dunny. Schools across the state have already installed “silent vape dectors” in bathrooms to stop kids from vaping on school grounds, but some experts reckon it’s time to bring in army veterans to really scare the little shits out of honking the ol’ electronic ciggie.

I’m legitimately screaming at the thought of sending in the troops to make actual children put the vapes down. How do you even begin to explain to an 80-year-old bloke who served in the Army Reserves that young rapscallions are addicted to pink, plastic tubes that smell like Hubba Bubba. It’s madness!

On Wednesday, Teachers’ Professional Association of Queensland secretary Tracy Tully spoke to Sunrise about the sitch.

She reckons bag checks and pocket searches aren’t enough to discourage students from suckling on the sweet electronic teat.

“I think we are beyond that now,” she said.

“I think the time has come where we need to do something much bigger and much more permanent.”

Quite frankly the words “bigger” and “permanent” both scare me. But alas, I am not a vaping 12-year-old, nor am I a teacher who has had to confiscate 43 vapes in one week.

“I believe we should be using our army veterans — we’ve got tens of thousands of those out there in the community who ready, willing and able to work in schools,” Tully said.

“I believe that we should be looking at a training program and sponsoring that and making that happen.”

Creative! Kochie evidently thought so as well because he replied to Tully’s idea with: “Hrmmmm that’s thinking outside the square!” in a tone that was both supportive yet bamboozled.

Screenshot from Sunrise episode of David Koch talking to Tracy Tully about bringing Army veterans into schools to stop children vaping
I’m both of them, sadly. Photo credit: Seven Network / Sunrise

The rest of the interview was spent talking about how children are procuring vapes. According to Tully, a recent Australian study shows one in six students are supplied with vapes by a parent or guardian, which is pretty fucked up.

However, I would argue this is clearly a situation which demands a unique solution. I do not know what said magic bullet is, for I am but a humble professional writer. My idea of resolving a problem is writing an emotional and persuasive email.

But the statistic does not help me understand why or how sending in the troops will serve to combat vaping.

Will they be calling in an airstrike on the monkey bars? Using electronic warfare in the locker rooms? Erecting a barbed wire fence around the boys’ toilets?

Are the veterans going to be discussing guerrilla warfare strategies in the staff room, pointing a stick at a whiteboard while drinking a heinous cup of Nescafé Blend 43?

I need to know more. I am aching, nay yearning for context.

Source: iStock / James Rolevink