Oh ‘STRAYA, you magnificent fuck. You magnificent, glorious, completely and utterly batshit county.
A rather large amount of terrible things happened in 2016. But thankfully, living in a country such as Australia – which is so laidback we should have spinal problems – relieves us regularly with its unique brand of comic relief.
There’s nothing like the the Aussie sense of humour, because it’s extremely straight to the point. Oh, and it’s ridiculous.
We are so extra, that when people tag friends from other countries in one of our fabulously iconic ‘STRAYA! stories, that person thinks it is satire. It’s a miracle that the entire Australian media industry hasn’t been shut down as part of the crackdown on ‘fake news’.
So, keeping all of this in mind, we’d be thoroughly delighted if you’d please join us as we regale you with the ever-so-whimsical yarns of farkin’ 2016, aye?
C’mere, shut up and listen, ya bastards.
1. WHEN A LADY FOUND A FUCKIN’ SNAKE IN HER CHRISTMAS TREE AND THOUGHT IT WAS TINSEL
We repeat: THIS is the real bloody war on Christmas, right ‘ere mates. You are lookin’ at it.
2. WHEN A CYCLIST HAD HER FAKE TITTY POPPED BY GETTING KICKED BY A BIG ROO
Christ, getting kicked in the cans by a roo sounds bloody painful. But the fake baps worked as airbags, and lessened the injury a bit. Onya, boobs.
3. WHEN OLD MATE WAS ON THE BOG AND A SPIDER BIT HIM ON THE TODGE
Ahhhh, the quintessential ‘Strayan story – “a spider bit me on me wobbly bits!“. Never gets old.
4. WHEN A FAKE NT TOURISM CAMPAIGN FT. A RUDE WORD CAME OUT AND WE ALL THOUGHT IT WAS REAL BECAUSE THIS IS ‘STRAYA AND WE USE THAT WORD A LOT
Well look mate, you tell me then, what SHOULD a tourism campaign say? See yas next Tuesday.
5. WHEN SOME LEGEND SEND ANTI-HALAL POLLIE PAULINE HANSON A TUB OF VEGEMITE NAMED ‘HALAL’ COS BIGOTRY’S FOR DICKHEADS
Alright, who did it? Which one of yas? Bloody ripper of a yarn.
6. WHEN HAMISH AND ANDY LEGIT FOUND ‘STRAYA’S ABSOLUTE #1 TOP BLOKE, WE MEAN IT HE’S BLOODY ACE
We nearly wept a wee lil’ tear when Hamish & Andy pranked a random number on national radio, and accidentally ended up finding the world’s nicest bloke, James.
James is an goddamn Australian hero. Be like James.
7. WHEN WE MADE JOHNNY DEPP AND AMBER HEARD MAKE A VIDEO ABOUT HOW GOOD OUR COUNTRY IS BC THEY BROUGHT THEIR DOGS IN W/O PERMISSION, FUCKEN HELL WE ARE SO EXTRA
We’ll be brutally honest here mate, we’re still dumbfounded over this whole thing.
Readers from other countries – just don’t bring ya dogs here without permission, because otherwise our human tomato of a Deputy Prime Minister will make you film a bloody shithouse webcam video talking about how nice our country is.
8. WHEN A ‘STRAYA HOTLINE WAS CREATED SO IF YOU’RE EVER OVERSEAS, YOU CAN CALL IT AND BE REMINDED OF THE WORLD’S BEST COUNTRY AND HOW FUCK OFF GOOD IT IS
This goddamn perfect hotline has a whole bunch of sound samples of the quintessential Aussie experience, like “the roar of the crowd at the MCG,” and “waves crashing at Bondi Beach,” or “being on hold with Centrelink indefinitely,” and “your neighbour filling his wheelie bin with empties.”
9. WHEN THIS BLOKE CASUALLY SHOOED AWAY A 5-METRE GREAT WHITE WITH A BROOM, LIKE WTF
The 5.5 metre Great White shark was circling Dan Hoey‘s charter boat, soooooooo… he did what any true Aussie would do. Are we wrong?
10. WHEN A RASCAL OF A SNAKE MANAGED TO KNOCK OUT THE POWER TO LIKE 9 DIFFERENT PLACES IN THE NT IN ONE SWIFT SLITHER
Yup, several Northern Territory towns lost all power because some slithery legless bastard got itself entangled in some power lines while chasing a goose. Awww, bless.
11. WHEN WE TRIED TO REVOKE GEORGE BRANDIS’ PEN LICENSE BECAUSE LET’S BE HONEST ME 8-MONTH-OLD COUSIN COULD WRITE A BETTER SIGNATURE THAN THAT AYE
— very festive tweets (@adam_lewis) October 24, 2016
We’re not even gonna start. The bloke’s signature is shit and he shouldn’t be allowed to buy pens. End of fucken story.
12. WHEN SOME BLOKE BROUGHT THE POLICE A FAKE BOOB BC HE THOUGHT IT WAS A MURDER CLUE BUT IT WAS JUST YA RUN-OF-THE-MILL BIG OL’ JELLYFISH
Some poor old sod panicked and thought he’d found some major clue in a murder and was helping some poor family find their family member who was missing or summat, but instead he’d just plopped a jelly stinger into police evidence.
Let this be a lesson to all international readers that not all Aussies have Steve Irwin-levels of Aussie fauna knowledge.
p.s. We dunno why there’s been so many fake boob stories this year either.
13. WHEN THIS YOUNG GROMMET HAD A SHARK CHOMP ON HIS LEG BUT HE TOLD AMBOS NOT TO TELL HIS MUM SO SHE WOULDN’T BLOODY WORRY
Thumbs up! Shark attack victim Cooper Allen shows off his battle scars in hospital @sunriseon7 @7NewsQueensland pic.twitter.com/7H1Veepvey
— Amanda Abate (@AmandaAbate) September 26, 2016
BLESS. Cooper Allen‘s mum was travelling when the 17-year-old mucker got into a spot of bother with a shark, so he asked ambos not to tell her so she wouldn’t worry. He also asked if a shark attack would get him out of doing his HSC. What a little champion.
14. WHEN THIS FUCKEN LEGEND INTERRUPTED A LIVE NEWS REPORT TANKED OUT OF HER SKULL TO RETURN SOMEONE’S WALLET, GOOD ONYA SHEILA
Anyone lose their wallet? #9News pic.twitter.com/5Xc1KaaYA0
— Nine News Brisbane (@9NewsBrisbane) November 1, 2016
The true blue Aussie is right bloody here: so many drunk dickheads would find a wallet and be all, ‘WOO FREE MONEY!’ But this gal stopped a bloody TV interview to return someone’s wallet to em.
Such a beautiful heartfelt Aussie story. *wipes away tear*
15. WHEN A BLOKE CBF GETTING OUT HIS OUTDOOR SPA TO GET A SNAG SO HE JUST FLEW A DRONE TO BUNNINGS INSTEAD
Don’t wanna leave ya backyard, but ya really want a saussie wrapped in slightly dry white bread? DRONE IT LIKE THIS BASTARD DID.
Note: Does come with a $9000 fine, though.
16. WHEN THIS WOMAN DISCOVERED THERE WAS A PYTHON IN HER HOUSE THAT WAS ACTUALLY AS *BIG* AS HER FUCKEN HOUSE
Tell ya what, that’s way too big, in our professional opinion. That snake is too bloody big.
17. WHEN ONE OF OUR POLLIES ASKED US NOT TO PUBLISH A PHOTO HE HATED BUT WE THOUGHT IT WAS A TOPS PHOTO SO WE TURNED IT INTO A VERY GOOD A+ 10/10 MEME
.@ellinghausen turns his camera on Immigration Minister Peter Dutton. pic.twitter.com/d8sr3dA0nn
— Stephanie Peatling (@srpeatling) May 3, 2016
“i swear to god, if you put this on social media” pic.twitter.com/487QEYZUKP
— illy ho-ho-hocean (@IllyBocean) May 3, 2016
Peter Dutton took some time out of trying to convince Australia that inhuman imprisonment of human beings is good, and posed for this absolutely fucken terrifying photo. We shared it as much possible after he publicly said not to, because we’ll start being respectful of politicians when they choose to respect all human beings, including all refugees.
18. WHEN WE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ‘SHOEY’ OR ‘DEMOCRACY SAUSAGE’ FOR WORD OF THE YEAR AND WE CHOSE THE LATTER BECAUSE FUCK YEAH SNAGS
For anyone who doesn’t know (and if you’re an Aussie, god help ya) the ‘democracy sausage’ is our very good reward that we get for voting. It’s a sausage in bread! It’s delicious. It tastes like exercising your rights.
Oh, and a shoey is when you chug beer from a shoe. Duh.
19. WHEN THIS ABSOLUTE BLOODY LEGEND CHASED DOWN A HIT & RUN DRIVER IN HIS JOCKS AFTER THEY HIT HIS MATES’ PARENTS SHOP, THEN GAVE THE BEST INTERVIEW EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
“All I had was me jocks on and he was chasing me up the street and I’m just like, mate!” #9Today https://t.co/L2EtbWyNy3
— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) November 23, 2016
This doesn’t need a fuckin’ description – just watch the video. We’ll let the legend that is Dan McConnell speak for himself.
Look, there was plenty more, and there’ll be plenty more in the future. But right now, we’ve got tinnies to drink, snags to eat, and shark-infested oceans to swim in, orrite?
Have a fucken Merry Christmas, you bloody legends. *swigs beer*
