Hello! If you’ve clicked on this list, presumably you either a) agree that 2016 was a dumpster fire of molten hot garbage, or b) are about to be convinced.
Obviously, global events this year were particularly shit, but the Year of our
Lord Satan 2016 hasn’t been too kind to pop culture, either.
1. David Bowie Left This Cruel World Behind
I’m not saying that David Bowie was holding the fabric of the universe together, but *gestures broadly at everything*
— Katie Loewy (@SweetestCyanide) July 12, 2016
2. And An Onslaught Of Celebrities Followed Suit
And in very quick succession, too. Alan Rickman (February 21), Prince (April 21) and Muhammad Ali (June 3). All beloved, all taken too soon.
The BBC‘s obituary editor Nick Serpell even crunched the data to prove that yes, more celebrities were dying this year. Before 2016 was out, we also saw the deaths of Gene Wilder and Leonard Cohen. Honestly, fuck you 2016.
3. Pokémon GO Was A Giant Disappointment
Stacked gym battles, ill-conceived ‘footprint’ methodology of finding Pokémon, every street corner being the Mt Moon of Zubat appearances… and let’s not even get started on gas Pokémon appearing in a Holocaust museum.
Last we heard, Niantic were trying to entice players back with the supremely useless Togepi. Lol okay, good luck with that.
4. Harambe Was Shot & All We Got Was This Shitty Meme
5. Leslie Jones Was Trolled Off Twitter For Starring In A Fucking ‘Ghostbusters’ Movie
We’re not going to debate the nuances of a female-led ‘Ghostbusters‘, because honestly that’s been done to death and we could be here all week.
6. Sonia Kruger Wanted To Ban All Muslim Immigration
7. ‘Suicide Squad’ Ended Up Being Cinematic Cat’s Piss
And then, it opened… and lord, was it terrible. Characters were introduced and then dropped off the face of the earth. Entire plot points were explained in excruciating simplicity to the audience. Will Smith and Margot Robbie carried the shit outta that movie, but even Deadshot and Harley Quinn in bike shorts couldn’t save it. Director David Ayer shouldn’t be allowed near the DC Universe again, ever. (Oh, wait.)
8. Nikki Got Robbed On ‘The Bachelor’
Photo: Channel 10.
The finale of 2016’s ‘The Bachelor‘ ended with Richie Strahan picking Alex Nation over Nikki Gogan, and in doing so blindsided the entire fucking nation. It was bad, okay? A horrible time. And in extra rudeness, Channel 10 subjected us to the same thing again two months later when Georgia Love picked whatsisname over Matty J in ‘The Bachelorette‘.
Hey, Bachie producers? Next year, DO. BETTER.
9. Brangelina Went Brangie-Over
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were one of the last, old school Hollywood power couples left, and their ethnically diverse range of brethren were spiriting us into a new age. If George and Amal Clooney call it quits in 2017 then marriage should be made illegal for celebrities, imo.
10. Sunnyboys Were Tragically Discontinued
The folks over at The Daily Juice Co. announced they were discontinuing the Aussie classics earlier this year, thus changing the face of school canteens forever. Or, they would be, if school canteens were allowed to serve anything anymore that wasn’t organic carrot sticks and Jamie Oliver‘s face to stick them in.
11. The New $5 Notes Were Unacceptable Durry Tender
But then we discovered that not one machine was accepting them. Durries, pokies, a packet of Cheese Twisties at 3pm in the arvo… none of these could be purchased with the new $5 note. And that shit is not on.
12. “Grab Them By The Pussy” Happened
And er, we all know how that one turned out. As we hurtle into a Trump Presidency, it’s worth remembering the literal tens of thousands of women who shared their stories of sexual assault as a result of this footage, bringing a widespread problem to the forefront of the national conversation. Again.
Women: tweet me your first assaults. they aren’t just stats. I’ll go first:
Old man on city bus grabs my “pussy” and smiles at me, I’m 12.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 7, 2016
13. Twitter Pulled The Plug On Vine
The latest reports are that Vine isn’t dead in the water just yet, so give it up for six-second comedy and the mysterious collective of ‘Vine stars’.
14. All The Bad Takes On Kim Kardashian’s Gunpoint Robbery
15. Dolly Magazine Closed 4Eva
16. Amy Schumer Cancelled Her Aussie Tour
17. There Was A Mass Exodus From Triple J
Triple J is an institution for our earbuds, and next year it’s going to sound very, very different. First we learnt that beloved breakfast duo Matt and Alex were making their way to greener pastures, then the news broke that Lewi McKirdy, Sarah Howells and Kyran Wheatley were also leaving Aunty.
The bittersweet upside? This final, glorious ‘Like A Version‘.
All we can say is: 2017 better bring back Robin Williams to make up for this bullshit.