‘The Voice Australia’: Live Blog Episode 12

Needless to say, the departure of proud Slytherin Courtney last night hit me pretty hard. We’re only one episode deep into the battle rounds, but the trend seems to be towards blandness and niceness, with Gryffindor goody-goodies like Holly and Johnny making it through over more interesting competitors. Elly Oh is probably more of a Ravenclaw, but gets a pass for being the best singer in the competition at this point, and for beating Hufflepuff house captain Jess in her battle. I was disappointed but not surprised that the coaches banded together to save Jess, but as long as they have the good sense to give house elf C Major the arse, I’ll forgive them.

Follow along with our Voice Australia live blog from 7.30pm on Channel 9 to see what happens next. 

7:30: A Current Affair is goddamn hypnotic, you guys. Tonight’s exclusive is about Elly, and ‘loveable dork’ is clearly the narrative they’re going with. We see her in her home studio, wearing a pair of slippers that say ‘DO I LOOK LIKE A MORNING PERSON?’ on them, singing her heart out at her little keyboard. She says her ambition is to move into pop from opera, and I’m pretty confident that I’ll be throwing 100% of my support behind her this year. 

7:40: Team will lost Krishool last night, but none of them looks that broken up about it. They sit like stunned mullets, transfixed by will’s ridiculous glasses, presumably made just for him at a secret underground lab in Switzerland. First up, it’s trail bike rider Anja and person I don’t remember remotely Sarah, battling it out on ‘When Love Takes Over’. “Focus on each individual note and do it staccato” he says to them in a coaching session, giving his best approximation of good advice. Anja starts things off, and is so simultaneously loud and flat that Sarah, in a Seinfeld-ian pirate shirt, actually smirks at her. Sarah doesn’t really have much to smirk about, though. Both contestants are singing around the melody and butchering Kelly Rowland’s runs, and it sounds a bit like an after-work karaoke session. The judges smile uncomfortably, because there are no winners in this round. 

7:49: Joel tells Sarah she had control issues, and Kylie tells Anja that she had some problems with pitch, and both of these are very diplomatic responses to what just happened. will, however, thinks that salty seadog Sarah did a good job, but then totally stabs her in the back and opts for Anja, who flaps her arms excitedly like a flightless bird while Sarah gives ‘what the fuck just happened?’ face. 

7:56: Team Joel is up next, and my least favourite hat-wearer, Byron Bay troubadour Dallas, is mid-meltdown because he’s justifiably worried that Doug is a lot better. Joel has chosen Avicii’s ‘Brother’ for them. Dallas is red-eyed and tearful, and Doug is giving him ‘bitch, please’ face, suggesting that he calm the hell down. Dallas promises to try his best, but gives a pretty strained performance right out the gate. Doug, if possible, lends too much gravity to this very silly song, and I’ve only just noticed thanks to his expansive hand gestures that his fingernails are really, really long. Dallas pulls it together by the end, but it’s way too late, and it’s a no-brainer when Joel picks Doug.

8:15: Candice and Thando from Team Kylie compete on an Emilie Sandie song, and there’s not much to say other than they’re both actually very good, and have strong voices. The coaches have a hard time choosing, and Kylie tries to lighten the mood by referring to the audience as a “tear squad” instead of a cheer squad. Yup, still crushing it with those witticisms, Kylie. After telling the ladies she’s “so, so proud” of them and loves them both, she pauses for a long time, head in her hands, and … we cut to an ad break. Of course we do. 

8:22: After an ad break that lasts for an eternity, Kylie chooses Candice, leaving poor Thando looking devastated, but Ricky, being the nice guy that he is, steps in to save her, so now she’s on his team. Awww. Ricky’s next battle is an interesting one, pitting Jamie and Cersei Lannister-wannabes Gabriel and Cecelia against clown killer Brandon, going toe-to-toe on Imagine Dragons‘ ‘Demons’. Brandon seems a little bit rattled tonight, and so do the Westeros pair, whose grasp of the melody is as wild and free as their hair. “How do you feel that went?” asks Kylie, looking deeply skeptical. Gabriel and Cecelia are embarrassed and apologetic, while Brandon stares at the judges with murder in his eyes. Finally, it’s time for the big decision. Brandon moves on, and kisses Cecelia on the head with a blank stare that is frankly terrifying. When it comes time for the save, will steps up and welcomes the raven-haired Jamie and Cersei onto his team. “I think they could be a creative force to the industry if given the right encouragement,” he says.

8:38: Up next, jazz-singing surfer dude Scotty takes on soulful ex-high school teacher and beautiful face and eyes-haver Josh. The show doesn’t fuck around, and we get right to the battle song which is Radiohead‘s High And Dry. Josh kicks things off, and he’s not that amazing, but damn, those spellbinding eyes. Scotty gets to come in on the “kill yourself” bit of the lyrics, and damn, it’s like they WANT him to go home. His younger brothers, an amazingly upbeat, curly-haired bunch, watch on from the audience in open-mouthed delight, and Scotty’s actually a better singer than Josh, but Josh is so damn handsome that this is going to be a tough call. Lying through his teeth, Joel says that Josh gave a more solid performance, while Ricky uses the catch-all Randy Jackson coinage “pitchy” to describe him. In the crucial moment, though, Ricky sides with Josh’s beautiful face, and he’s the one going through. 

8:45: It’s Team Joel time, and he chooses Taila and Annabelle, who will be going head-to-head on Miley‘s ‘The Climb’. The rehearsal is amazing train wreck, with Annabelle, eyes-closed, belting her way loudly through the song and not letting Taila get a verse in edgeways. Taila, keen to stay in the game, parries back with a story about how she’s performing the song for her dad as he prepares to go into surgery. When all else fails on The Voice, you go sob story. When the battle comes around, both give solid performances, and their country-inflected voices sound so similar it’s going to be a touch choice. Annabelle’s headband game is moderate, but vocally, she wavers a bit on the high notes, so I’d give this one to Taila. Also, cards on the table, I’m not a hundred percent sure which of them is which at this point, so you might need to reverse those last two things.  

8:56: will says that he’d “produce” both singers, and I’m not sure if that’s a euphemism, but he chooses the one I correctly thought was Taila. Kylie favours Annabelle but stresses, as always, that she loves both singers. Joel takes Taila through, for reasons he doesn’t explain or I don’t hear, because I’m too busy preparing myself to hear Kelly Clarkson‘s ‘Since U Been Gone’ murdered by two very sparkly people with too-high self esteem.

9:04: Finally tonight, pneumatic Marilyn Monroe impersonator Jayde is going head to head with “voice lady” Louise, whatever the hell that means. “This song was originally written for someone with a big personality, and then Kelly Clarkson sang it,” says will of ‘Since U Been Gone.’ BURN. Jayde gives a monologue about how she needs to get into character to truly deliver the song, while Louise just snarls at the camera, cold, Lady Macbeth eyes narrowed. They’ve opted for a laid-back, piano-led arrangement of the song, all the better for the dueling divas to stomp their way right across the melody. I can’t even describe what’s happening on stage, but they both want this really badly, and both are strutting around like the ladies who hold up the numbers between rounds in boxing matches, and draping themselves over the railings. “That was so entertaining,” Kylie says, before she loses herself in a fit of giggles.

9:13: I don’t know what possible criteria the coaches could use to judge that performance. It’s like they cloned Jenna Maroney and then pitted the two of them against each-other in a contest to see who could use her raw sexuality better. Kylie leans towards Jayde and Louise gives her such an epic scowl, I’m pretty sure she’s about to demand to speak to The Voice‘s supervisor. In the end, Louise gets through, but in a huddle afterwards, the other coaches admit that they only threw their support behind her because they’re terrified of her. A decisive victory for Slytherin, I’d say.

Thanks for sticking with tonight’slive blog through its various technical difficulties, and I’m glad you couldn’t hear the things I was screaming at my router earlier. Until next week, Voice fans.