Let’s dive straight in.

Before we begin one of the most influential investigations of the century, some of you doubters may be wondering: is this guy qualified to conduct such an extensive and ground-breaking ranking? Is he ready to handle this monumental responsibility?

The answer is yes, sis. I’m an avid and unwavering Spice Girls stan, more-so than most. Let me explain…

I essentially came out of the womb fuccing with the Spice Girls. Yes, I was born a year before 1996’s Spice but, when the doctor usually says “it’s a boy” or “it’s a girl”, they may as well have said “it’s a Spice Girls stan”. As a little and extremely-flamboyant cherub, I had a Spice Girls doona cover, pillow case and dolls. I had every poster imaginable, and spent my days with Mum printing out Spice Girls pictures on A4 pieces of paper to stick them on my wall. Exhibit A:

‘Sup binch?

I lived and breathed Baby, Scary, Posh, Ginger and Sporty. When they started wearing army pants and flip flops, I started wearing army pants and flip flips. I hear they did a car commercial in Japan. My obsession with the Spice Girls was not to be, and will not be, fucked with.

The announcement of Geri Halliwell‘s departure from the group in 1998 was the worst day of my 3 year-old life, subsequently beginning a long process in which I had to accept that each queen would inevitably be pursuing their own solo endeavours.

Since then, we’ve witnessed remarkable, booty-popping bops and some overwhelmingly-underwhelming flops. Although I don’t really believe that they should be ranked and compared (as they are all the spicy apples of my eye), I do believe in milking as much Spice Girls content as possible so I can spend my days writing about them. It’s called an inspired work ethic, sweeties.

So without further ado, here’s my ranking of the Spice Girls in terms of how successful their solo careers were/are.

5. Scary Spice

In the historic words of renowned philosopher Tyra Banks, “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. HOW DARE YOU?!”

I had so much hope for Mel B but her lack of stan-worthy bops was, well, rather scary. Her debut album Hot left me feeling colder than Vostok Station in Antarctica. (Russian scientists once recorded -89°C there in 1983, according to Nat Geo. I hear that’s quite cold.)

“Feels So Good” is a low-key vibe but does it make me want to pop my bussy in comparison to her solo Spice comrades? Not really.

Alas, if the Spice Girls produced hits that contributed to my now-thriving homosexuality, Hot nearly turned me straight – it was that bland.

Let’s also not talk about her second and final album, L.A. State of Mind, which debuted at 453 on the UK Albums Chart and slumped to number 1581 in its second week. Overall, the album sold under 1500 copies in total. It’s also not on Spotify. That’s a certain state of mind, for sure. So, yep, let’s not talk about that. Good day.

I’m not mad at you, Mel, just disappointed. Mini-Lou, givvus your peace sign.

Loves it.

4. Posh Spice

To be honest, I completely forgot that Victoria Beckham had an album – sue me. We could talk about singles like “Not Such an Innocent Girl” – sure – but we could also talk about something funner, like the album cover.

That album cover was *clap* a *clap* moment *clap*. The bedazzled VB/panther emblem still serves me some erotic Juicy Couture vibes, and that panther looks like me at a house party after accidentally consuming 5 wet pussy shots.

It was an accident Mum. I swear.

After doing some hefty sleuthing (bless up Wikipedia) I discovered that Victoria Beckham debuted at number 1 in Turkey, which is a huge mood. So out of respect to Turkey, and out of respect to Turkey alone, I am hereby placing Posh at number 4 instead of 5.

3. Baby Spice

Now we’re talkin’. Emma Bunton provided some of the most wholesome content in 2001 with her debut A Girl Like Me. “What Took You So Long?” topped the UK, Scotland and New Zealand charts, with her inspired music video subsequently prompting all of us single Spice Girls fans to sit on a suitcase in the middle of desolate, desert highway in search for a man.

Her 2019 album My Happy Place is worth listening to, and she should be applauded for managing to produce a fourth studio album on top the Spice World 2019 Tour. A commendable flex.

All in all, Ms. Bunton’s tunes have come to transcend time and will always remain contextually-relevant. “What took you so long? / What took you all night?” I sing out the window as I track my Uber Eats order. For that, I place Baby at numero tres.

Me with my Uber Eats order.

NOW, TIME FOR A DISCLAIMER:

Disclaimer.

I know the following two rankings may be rather controversial, and I’m expecting a potential outcry of indifference. This was an extremely hard decision to make, as they both deserve to be number 1, but I’m a boy of my word – I promised you a ranking, and a ranking I shall give to thee. Let me try my damnedest to give you a coherent rationale as to my subsequent decisions. *Wipes forehead sweat*

2. Ginger Spice

1. Sporty Spice

Let’s get one thing out of the way – “It’s Raining Men” is the true winner in this whole crazy thing called life, and will continue to live an extraordinary legacy thanks to the longevity of Bridget Jones’ Diary. Let’s get another thing out of the way – Geri is my favourite of the group and Mel C is my least favourite. (I just wasn’t that sporty as a wee young lad – the sportiest thing I did was pussy popping to Rage every Saturday morning.)

However, I simply must give 10s where 10s are due. Although “It’s Raining Men” and “Look at Me” are absolute tunes, I’d argue that Mel C has been more consistent in producing slap-worthy bops (à la “Never Be The Same Again” and “I Turn To You”). Play “I Turn To You (Hex Hector Radio Mix)” and tell me it doesn’t give you make you long for simpler times (ie. the nightclubs of 2000). I dare you.

You know that scene in Bend It Like Beckham when Keira Knightley‘s character is aggressively trying to tune the coach (despite him literally not giving one fart about her) and drags him onto the d-floor? “I Turn To You (Hex Hector Radio Mix)” is blasting in the background? Sweat’s flying everywhere? Desire is palpable?

I literally.

Get.

Fanny.

Flutters.

Anyway, enough about me. May we all continue to experience daily ear-gasms thanks to the wonders that are the Spice Girls’ group and solo discographies.

Alexa, play “Never Give Up On The Good Times”.

Image: Instagram / @spicegirls