“Phuck yo’ textbook police procedural narrative arcs,” said the staff writers at Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, ripping to shreds another facial composite sketch of another unshaven menace to society whose features had unnervingly started to resemble their own.
“We need some real Charlie Kaufman, art imitating life, bad role model type shit,” said series creator Dick Wolf, mindlessly thumbing through his social media feeds; Twitter, Instagram, etc. He’s on everything these days, looking for phresh stories.
A-ha! “Das phuckin’ it!” shouted Old Dick, speaking in the patois of his latest muse. “The Greatest Love Story of All. We’ll adapt the [en]gross[ing] saga of Rihanna and Chris Brown into a relevant, topical episode of Law & Order: SVU.“
“It’s got everything: two debatably talented performers; a beauty and a beast dynamic; sex, fashion, music and the abhorrent act of violently beating a woman after a glamourous event around Valentine’s Day, 2009; charges of felony assault, an AVO and community service that he probably didn’t do; an Oprah cameo, and a divisive sex symbol who keeps returning to the man who beat her into an unrecognisable caricature of the love she thinks she deserves, or that thing everyone is always quoting from that Wallflower book.”
“We’ll call him Caleb Brown, he’s the manipulative, abusive hip-hop performer. She’ll be called, uh, Micha, because it sounds sorta like ‘Rihanna,’ an uncooperative victim of domestic abuse who refuses to help build a case to aid the prosecution despite the best intentions of Detective Benson (Mariska Hartigay). The case will come to resemble a media circus, but there’ll be a twist ending that no one will see coming – the boyfriend is found dead. We’ll re-write history! We’re Gods among show-runners!”
“The meta-episode will be titled My Funny Valentine, will guest star Perez Hilton and Dave Navarro and will go to air Wednesday February 27th at 9PM American EST on NBC, and later on Channel Ten, if that’s still something they do.”
Continued [imaginary] Dick Wolf, “It’ll do much better than that episode we did two weeks ago where we cast convicted rapist Mike Tyson as a rape victim on death row. Ain’t nobody got time for that, literally: that was our lowest rating episode ever and we’ve done this 310 times since 1999.”
Later that day, February 20th, a cake was ordered to celebrate the SVU team’s latest artistic triumph. It wasn’t even anyone’s birthday that day (Wednesday was Rihanna’s 25th birthday), but they wanted to lick the icing off all the same.
Photo: Christopher Polk via Getty
