Earlier today, the Sydney Morning Herald, the nation’s paper of record, published a spotter’s guide to the emerging subcultural tribes of Sydney, and it’s the greatest thing you’ll see all weekend. Amongst other troubling trends, the Herald clocked the presence of an arch, hirsute and minimal-amount-of-fuck-giving subset of young people known as “hipsters”.
Hipsters, says the Herald’s helpful guide, tend to be “bearded” dudes with “fixed-gear bikes”, “vintage shirts”, “lumberjack”
styling and “Buddy Holly glasses.” These dudes, the piece goes on to explain, are both “hairy and effete, retro
and contemporary.” “Irony is their oxygen.”
That dull thud you’re hearing is the sound of your head hitting your desk over and over again until you pass out. For those who are still worried about the Y2K bug and hoping Ian Thorpe takes out the gold in Sydney, the Herald came up with a list of other subcultures to watch out for. These include:
Emos:
Over-dressed, over-emotional and over here, emos are “undiagnosed
depressives, [caught] in an angsty parallel universe of suicidal
ideation and recreational skin-cutting.” They are emphatically NOT to be
confused with “wemos” and “memos”, who look like emos but are … um,
not, according to a source the Herald found while trawling the internet.
Haul Girls:
Young girls who make YouTube videos of themselves unpacking bags of things they just bought, while other young girls watch and envy their lives. A good haul girl, says the piece, can make a great haul video from a trip to Woolies just as easily as a high-end shoe emporium. The subtext here is women be shoppin‘.
Seapunks:
Blah blah blah, just watch this again.
Gym Bros:
Jocks who live their lives in an endless pursuit of physical perfection, get wicked shredded, engage in ass-slapping homoerotic activities and eat “chicken, eggs and steak” for breakfast – that last one according to an inside source at Platinum Fitness First, Bondi. The subtext here is that fit dudes are all gayer than the battle scenes in 300.
Punks:
People with piercings and colourful hair who buy their clothes from online websites and reject authority … man.
Excellent and timely though these observations are, there are a few burgeoning youth subcultures that the Herald clearly missed. In the interests of keeping the people informed, we decided to fill the list out with a couple that they ignored:
Sack Whackers:
Roving gangs of rich kids from the North Shore who dress in vintage Ksubi and punch people in the testicles.
Bee Movie Boys:
Hip hop heads who only wear branded merchandise from the popular CGI kids’ film.
Cruisers:
Kids who dress in Ray-Bans and Top Gun-style flight suits and run everywhere very fast in tribute to their hero, Tom Cruise.
Rap Dads:
Rumpled 30-something guys who keep a sneaky bit of weed in the house and rhyme along to Ice Cube’s ‘Today Was A Good Day’ in the car.
Yung Portias:
Young women who style themselves after Ally McBeal-era Portia DeRossi and are sick of explaining to you for the hundredth time that they’re not copying Iggy’s look, dammit.
Moving Gifs:
Colourfully-dressed kids who stand rooted to the spot all day and reenact the same set of precise movements. A bit less shit than mimes, and know more about Spongebob.
Kik Heads:
A mutant variety of teens and tweens who communicate solely through pictures of their genitals.
Norm Peterson-Corers:
Overweight dudes who endlessly find ways to scam free beer, and complain about their unseen wives.
Yolo Swagginses:
People five feet and under who dress with a lot of flare.
via Sydney Morning Herald
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