Having a beard is the most important thing that a man can do, so you need to make sure you get it right. If you follow these simple guidelines, you’ll be guaranteed to have the strongest, healthiest, and most stroke-able beard possible. And remember; never take any advice from anyone without a beard.
#1 – Growth
The number one rule of beard growth is: don’t shave. It’s the classic rookie mistake and the main reason why most beards will fail to develop properly. You may have heard that shaving your facial hair encourages thicker and fuller growth, but don’t be fooled – this is a myth perpetuated by the shaving companies to sell more razors. You should let your beard grow naturally without interference – if itchiness becomes a problem, simply man the fuck up. The itchy phase will pass within a few short days, or potentially months. Remember that some beards can take quite a long time and may appear scrappy and half-baked at first. During this initial period of growth, it’s important not to get downtrodden. If anyone points out to you that your “beard looks shite”, don’t be afraid to engage them in a heated verbal stoush, or, if that fails, a short physical altercation should settle the matter. Above all, it’s important to give yourself time to let your facial hair develop to its full capacity.
#2 – Cleanliness
Once your beard has begun to flourish, keeping it clean and healthy should become an important part of your day to day routine. Shampoo and condition regularly, and make sure you choose the right product – my personal choice is an all-natural facial hair cleanser that comes from a plant grown high in the mountains of Namibia and is harvested by the local villagers. If you can’t get to Namibia, Coles Smart Buy 2-in-1 is also pretty good. You may find it useful to store bits of food in your beard during the day – whilst this is convenient, remember that leaving food in your beard for more than a few days may cause unpleasant odours within the hairs, so check your beard regularly, or ask a fellow beard-wearer to check it for you. Comb or brush your beard on a daily basis for at least 45 minutes – if you struggle to find time for this in your morning routine, you should forgo combing your regular hair and cleaning your teeth. Skipping breakfast is also an ideal way to free up some time for extra beard care.
#3 – General Maintenance
With your beard now looking thick and healthy, you are free to style your beard to suit your personal tastes. Look to other beard wearers for inspiration – Dave Grohl, Gandalf The Grey, or perhaps your favourite member of beard-related totalitarian rock group The Beards (most likely me, lead vocalist Johann Beardraven) – these are all great role models. Styling your beard using simple beard wax (usually available from any beard store) is a great way to add personality to your facial hair – don’t be afraid to get creative. It is also now your responsibility to be an active beard ambassador. Talk about your beard loudly and frequently, even when no-one’s listening. Stroke your beard whenever possible, especially in public – on the bus, standing in line at the supermarket, sitting in a parked car next to a primary school, in the corner of a restaurant by yourself wearing a trench coat and sunglasses – these are all great places to do some serious beard stroking, which will in turn stimulate follicle growth. You should also talk to your beard with encouraging words as often as you can. Whisper gently to your beard – if your wife asks you what you are doing, simply yell at her in a demeaning manner until she stops. Thinking positively and engaging in your beard will make for happier, healthier facial hair.
World Beard Day 2013 Celebration at the Annandale
September 7th from 7pm AEST
Featuring…
The Beards
Jackson Firebird
The Stiffys
Manchoir
Atlas B Salvesen
Hosted by… Dave Callan (naturally)
Purchase tickets here
For more information on World Beard Day head to: www.worldbeardday.com
For the live stream head to: www.worldbeardday.com/stream/
