The first third of the three-legged musical chairs race toward 2015 that is Falls Festival kicks off tomorrow in Lorne, Victoria, and if (by virtue of reading this sentence) you’re deferring to an eleventh hour guide for unsolicited advice as to how you should be preparing for such an event at this point in time – for Pete’s sake – you’re already way beyond help.
Praying 4 U, tbh.
For the rest of us about to ~Falls in love~ at the remaining two sites in bays both Byron and Marion (commencing on the 29th and 30th respectively) what follows is a last minute guide to covering a few of the bases you’ll want to have well and truly covered should you wish to make your festival experience the #bestival experience, as well as the best possible way in which to ring in a new year, and with it, a new you.
J/K, you’ll never change – maybe give up on trying at this point?
TIMETABLES
For every good plan you make, there’s a hackneyed aphorism that would dissuade you from making said good plans in the first place. Think, ‘the best laid plans go awry’; ‘We make plans and Beyoncé laughs’; ‘Plans are for squares’; ‘Plans – what gives amirite?’, et cetera.
People who fall back on those malapropisms are idiots and you are too if you fail to take into consideration the importance of festival timetables.
Here’s a prospective New Year’s Resolution you might consider making: maybe don’t be an idiot. Study your Falls timetable like the Band 6 student you always wanted to be and reap the benefits of good planning and common sense, FFS.
You can view an enlarged version of the Lorne timetable here; the Byron timetable at large is available here; the Marion Bay timetable can also be found in extremis here. Assume there’s questionable 4G access and screenshot them on your iSmartPhone 6Plus. Do that and you’re a legend already.
Better yet, defer to the comprehensively bueno Falls Festival website and pore over the FAQs until you boast a repertoire of fun facts and informative tidbits that’ll impress the pants off all and sundry.
Download the official Falls app before you leave home!
iPhone: http://t.co/GuN1G7uiVE
Android: http://t.co/SW9lIq6kIj
#fallsfestival
— Falls Festival (@fallsofficial) December 23, 2014
Satisfaction all but guaranteed at this point.
BYRON BAY
LORNE
MARION BAY
EVERYWHERE YOU GO, ALWAYS TAKE THE WEATHER WITH YOU
A cursory glance at the sky will tell you that you know nothing. That’s how small and inconsequential you are and how little you matter or know of the world in which you live. Sorry, but it’s true!
You’ll never be able to predict what weather patterns the Fates have in store, so why not take a glass half-empty approach and prepare for the worst? That way you’re guaranteed either smug self-satisfaction when everything goes sideways, meteorologically speaking, or the comparatively smaller blessing of being pleasantly surprised when your chosen festival site isn’t plagued by a monsoonal deluge. As in life, everybody/nobody wins. I’m crying.
Real Talk: the forecast is looking likely for rain everywhere, so pack accordingly. According to *a source* already at the Byron Bay site: “It’s pouring. Pack all wet weather gear.” The more you know!
Packing for Falls? Make sure you bring heaps of warm clothes and bedding, the nights will get down to single digits!
— Falls Festival (@fallsofficial) December 26, 2014
You can get live updates from the BoM for Byron here; Weatherzone forecasts for Lorne are located here; Marion Bay forecasts can also be found here. Or you could just use a weather app, or Google these things for yourself. IDK anymore, honestly, just pour it up at this point.
You rn/forever:
ESSENTIAL OILS [AND OTHER THINGS]
Chances are you’ll be packing a bag, so why not do something right for once and pack a truly stellar suitcase?
A comprehensive office survey of Falls Festival frequenters garnered results as helpful as they are rudimentary, including (but not limited to): sunscreen; wet ones; shower shoes [Ed. note: A+, would recommend]; sensible shoes [Ed. note, again: gumboots, not patent beige pumps – at a festival, or EVER for that matter]; garbage bags [do unto the site and your neighbours what you would have done unto you]; a generous tarp so that you might “get creative” with your camping situation; and a great attitude, so that you might not be a jerk.
If you’re basic and need reminding: snacks, duh. Your car pass is also a *must*, as is your ID. Furthermore, a little cash money never hurt nobody; that, and you’ll thank yourself later for bringing surplus socks in the almost certain event of inclement weather. Per their name, safety pins are never a bad idea, nor is bug spray, band-aids and a torch.
Make sure you pre-purchase your Car Passes!
Lorne Car Passes: http://t.co/26NLAATRx1
Byron Car Passes: http://t.co/9iZy5VRCDZ
#fallsfestival
— Falls Festival (@fallsofficial) December 16, 2014
Don’t forget the dress theme for Boogie Nights, which this year is ‘Deep Sea Disco’ [!!!]. Can you even? If you’re a lost cause when it comes to themed costume nights, when in doubt: think ***glitter***.
Boogie Nights is December 28th in Lorne, the 29th in Marion Bay and New Year’s Eve in Byron. If you’re wondering, my vibe is going to be ‘Diamonds’ live circa SNL, so don’t even think about touching that or I’ll cut you, guaranteed:
I digress. A travel lock for your tent, prophylactics and portable phone chargers all long and tied up with white string – these are a few of my favourite festival things.
Also, two words: ‘hand sanitizer’. [Three words, really: ‘Aesop hand sanitizer’, if you too truly cannot be dealt with].
BYO GR8 TIME
One of the truly wonderful aspects of festivals like Falls is that no one is there with the intention of having anything other than a truly blessed time.
Lorne, Marion and Byron Bay are for much of the next week going to be the universal geographical epicentres of supremely chill vibes. Nothing engenders positivity quite like beautiful music, not unattractive people and ample serene feels in surrounds as glorious as these. It almost goes without saying, but act accordingly: make like headliner Jamie XX and ‘Take Care’ [feat. Gil Scott Heron] of each other.
Tickets have obviously sold out for Falls in Byron and Lorne, but if you live in Tasmania tickets are still available for Marion Bay and, let’s be honest, what else are you doing in Tasmania at this time of year if not ~zenning~ out at Falls?
With respect, how many times can you visit MONA?
We’ll be at Falls in Byron on here and here and in body, mind and soul should you wish to say ‘Hi’. We’re largely indistinguishable from the thousands of other people who’ll be there, so if you do manage to say ‘Hi’ to one of us in light of those miniscule odds I’ll shout you a drink and/or a fistbump that awkwardly turns into a handshake and then, in a moment of hesitation, an earnest hug. You’re welcome.
Happy Falls. Happy New Year.
Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images
