As humans, leading human lives, it’s inevitable that you will at some point experience the pangs of old friends stress and anxiety. The little devils sneak up on you, clouding your brain, stealing your appetite, and sitting on your chest with a pressure akin to that of your best bad friend who wants you to join them at the pub on a school night. Like, really wants you to come, you never come out anymore, plzzzzz.
Feeling shitty in the mental health department has been linked to all sorts of symptoms. Maybe it’s the classic headache where your brain is literally stressed to the point of pain, or perhaps anxiety is causing your stomach to wrap itself in knots not unlike a giant anaconda trying to swallow a small cow whole. Either way, none of it is pleasant. None of it.
But did you know that your waves of worry could actually be disrupting your fanny’s vibe? Yep, that’s right, there is such a thing as ‘sad vagina’ or ‘depressed fairy’ or ‘melancholic muff’ or however you choose to refer to your lady bits. And there is a link between stress and those feelings of discomfort you might be dealing with down there.
It’s not far fetched either. Personally, I’ve been there. I once spent a month stressing about the state of my vajayjay, and I’m pretty sure I got a phantom bout of thrush because of it. Fun. Itchy. Burny.
Anyway, here’s something to consider – the next time you’re feeling a little off in your undergarments, sit yourself down for a meditation session. Stay with me here, don’t you dare exit this page. Meditation isn’t just for annoyingly zen yogis or Buddhist monks sitting in silence – it’s for errrrybody… and errrrybody’s vagina.
So leave your stereotypes at the door and generalisations be damned, meditation is muy bueno and there are a bunch of different styles out there. You’ve just got to find your schtick.
1. Mindful body scanning
One of the biggest misconceptions about meditation is that it’s all about emptying your brain and thinking exactly zero thoughts. No way Jose. Not only is this next to impossible for most of us, but it can be hella frustrating. Which is why I love a good dose of body scanning.
This technique is taught by health pros all over the world and involves focusing all your attention on your physical body, starting at your teeny tiny toes and working your way up. The biggest perk is that you can do it anywhere, anytime – whether you’re seated on a train, walking home, or laying prostrate on your lounge room floor mid-panic attack because you accidentally text your ex.
2. Yoga Nidra
If we’re anxious, a lot of us can’t sleep. And what happens when we don’t get enough sleep? Lots of bad things. Like, illness and grumpiness and under eye bags. Guys, Yoga Nidra is a sleep meditation. You can literally do it in your bed. There are no excuses.
Yoga Nidra refers to that “going to sleep” stage where you’re disconnected from your senses but your mind is still able to follow instruction. It’s like the best state of limbo going around. There are a ton of guided Yoga Nidra meditations on the amazing thing we call The Internet (like this one), so load one up the next time your brain won’t settle down and prepare for mucho relaxo.
3. Kundalini Meditation
Does the whole sitting still thing kinda put you off? It doesn’t have to be that way, cross my heart, you little energiser bunny. Introducing Kundalini, a form of meditation that will have you matching your inhales and exhales with physical movements. It’s also known as a style of yoga, if that helps you understand its deal.
If we’re getting deep, Kundalini is all about unlocking the energy that sits at the base of your spine and once you tap into that energy you’re in for a good old fashioned system cleanse. Like a juice detox, but not outrageously expensive.
4. Transcendental Meditation
Okay folks, this is for those of you who wanna get high… spiritually. Transcendental Meditation came into being in the 50s but really hit its strides in the 60s and 70s, and is one of the most common forms of meditation on the mat today. The aim of the game is to detach yourself from your anxiety by repeating a silent mantra. Some people talk of things like self-realisation and enlightenment, but all you need to know is that you’ll come out the other side of a 15 minute session feeling super chill. Also, this is Russell Brand’s bag, if you’re into following in the footsteps of mindful cockney types.
5. Sound Meditation
Silence can freak some people out. Many people find silences overwhelming or claustrophobic. I get it, kinda. Though right now I would take ten minutes of silence over the noise of the building site next door… but hey, maybe I need to meditate on it. Anyway, there is such a thing as Sound Meditation, also known as Nada Yoga. In these meditations, the teacher might use singing bowls or that super calming pan flute music. I’m into that a lot. In Nada Yoga the goal is to focus your attention on just hearing, and you will inevitably quieten the old brain box.
Look, just give meditation a go. It helps with all the serious things like lowering blood pressure, decreasing pain and easing anxiety, with the added benefit of looking after your nether regions.
Find some peace, friends.
Side note: Ural is pretty damn good at reliving those pesky UTI symptoms we’re all blessed with occasionally, but if you’ve got anything more serious happening down under definitely make a trip to your local GP.Image: Instagram / @gisele, @trewrussellbrand