Inserting things into one’s ass can be a fun hobby for many, providing you’re doing so with things that are actually meant to go in your ass. But every year, there are those who fail to heed the word of caution and go sticking household items where they just shouldn’t go, prompting a rather unpleasant journey to the emergency room.

While we don’t have any stats on what us Aussie folk like to put into our rectums, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission sure as hell does, and thanks to Adequate Man, we have all the dirt.  Here’s what Americans had removed from themselves in 2017.

  • GOLF BALL
  • PEANUT BUTTER JAR
  • SPRAY BOTTLE
  • CURTAIN ROD
  • “STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • FLOSS CONTAINER
  • MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
  • “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”
  • SMALL WOODEN KNICK-KNACK
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • PLASTIC FORK
  • TOY MISSILE
  • PLASTIC VIBRATING DILDO, CAN NOT TURN OFF
  • “ATTEMPTED TO DISLODGE A DILDO FROM HIS ANUS USING A LETTER OPENER”
  • CIGAR TUBE TO RELIEVE HEMORRHOIDS
  • “FEELING LONELY, USED A MASCARA CONTAINER IN PLASTIC BAG, PUT IN RECTUM”
  • TIN CUP
  • HAIR BRUSH
  • “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”
  • MARBLES
  • A LARGE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO
  • “SAT IN BATHTUB AND FELT SOMETHING GO INTO HER ANUS”
  • CAT FOOD CAN
  • BAG OF ORAL TOBACCO
  • “WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
  • 3 AA BATTERIES
  • 2 AAA BATTERIES
  • D BATTERY
  • “PATIENT SAID I HAVE A COIN IN MY ASS FROM A MONTH AGO”

Wow. That sure is a lot to take in. I don’t even know where to begin with this, but I would like to know what variety of small wooden knick-knack was thrust into the warm embrace of a human rectum.

And for Christ’s sake, a cat food can? Do you think your cat is pleased with that? I very much doubt it.

If you think you can handle it, the list also includes things removed from penises.

  • A LITTLE SCREW
  • A SHARP TOY
  • FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY
  • PLASTIC SPOON
  • PIECE OF DOMINO
  • PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • “PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”
  • COAXIAL CABLE

I don’t have any words for this because my brain is only able to respond with a weird static noise I am unable to comprehend.

Finally, here’s some things removed from vaginas.

  • SCENTED SOAP
  • DEODORANT LID
  • “WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”
  • BOTTLECAP
  • PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT
  • A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL
  • SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”
  • A BALL
  • BIKE REFLECTOR
  • “ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”
  • HEADPHONES
  • HOT TOWEL
  • “WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
  • CLAY
  • CANDLESTICK
  • LOLLIPOP
  • “USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”
  • TOY MAGIC WAND

There you have it, folks. If you’ve ever thought about inserting any of the above inside your body at any point, my advice would be to just don’t. Head down to your local sex shop and buy something that’s purpose-built, instead.

Source: Adequate Man
Image: Broad City