We’ve all been subject to an extraordinary roast, the kind where no matter how intelligent or justifiable our responses are, the whole group chat has unanimously decided to chuck us on the spit and paint us in a honey glaze.
What a humbling, and sometimes earth-shattering, honey glaze it is.
Group chat roasts happen to the best of us, but some mates find themselves on the receiving end a lot more than others.
So, to these unfortunate members of society who are constantly roasted in your various chats, I say this: Welcome. This is a safe space. You are loved and you are worthy of a roast-free Wednesday night. Here’s how to survive a miraculous group chat roasting like an unfazed boss. siq.
Chuck up your deuces like Kris Jenner
If anyone knows what it’s like to be extraordinarily roasted, it’s Mama Jenner. So when you’re being overpowered in the chat and all hope seems lost, respond with the meme of Kris chucking up deuces in a club.
It’s a powerful response – it’ll make you look unaffected, hot and ready for the drama (and a vodka, lime & soda).
Remove people from the chat to remind them who’s boss
You are literally That Bitch™. Yes, you’ll obviously add them in again (after making them sweat for 15 minutes) but it’s a great way to remind them that, although their subtle jabs may be temporary, the fire in your vengeful heart is permanent and not to be fucked with. Lolzomfg, bitches.
Quote Hilary Duff lyrics
Someone in group chat: “Haha ur stupid.”
Me:
“If you’re over me, I’m already over you
If it’s all been done, what is left to do?
How can you hang up if the line is dead?
If you want to walk out, then step ahead
If you’re moving on, I’m already gone
If the light is off then it isn’t on
At least not today
Not today, not today…”
Listen to empowering bangers, like Titanium
Count to 10, search for an emotive song (something that will make your soul scream, like Sia and David Guetta’s “Titanium”), look out your window right into the eyes of your neighbour and scream “You shoot me down but I won’t fall!!!!! I am titanium!!!!!”. It might make you scream cry, but it’ll also get the heart rate going and will ultimately be very therapeutic.
Print out the group chat roasts and post it to their mothers
A mother knows best. A mother also deserves to know when their child is getting to big for their e-boots and turning into a mild keyboard warrior.
Imaging if you literally printed out the receipts and threw their mothers a parcel filled with incriminating evidence. Take that Kerry, Lindsay and Crystal. Feast on your ugly words.
BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH, are constant group chat roasts starting to make you feel really shit?
Confide in a trusted mate
Your mates obviously love you and want the best for you (if they’re genuine mates). More often than not, group chat roasts are founded on harmless fun between pals – after all, it’s their job to keep you ~humble~ and ~grounded~. They may not realise that their words are affecting you until you voice your feelings.
So why not pull your most trusted compadre aside and let them know that the constant barrage of h8 is getting you down? Since they’re your most trusted compadre, they’ll hopefully listen, offer a word of advice and subtly back you up in future group scenarios.
For example, the next time your group chat is all hanging out IRL when you aren’t present and the topic of banter or FB chats come up, your most trusted compadre could say something along the lines of “Why are we all such bitches to Carol, lmao? Let’s back off babies. Let’s shower her with love.”
What a cute and proper intervention that would be. If your group chat loves you, they’ll oblige.
At the end of the day, if you can survive a mammoth group roasting with only a few minor scratches and a bruised ego, you can survive anything else life throws your way. As Shakespeare once said, “you got dis boo.”
Now go forth and put your newfound knowledge into practice.
And remember… Wait, shit. Can’t talk now. Parent in room. g2g n00bs.
