It’s over, guys. The garbage show we all loved like it was our little trash baby whose filthy forehead we didn’t mind kissing because it was our glorious son is done. Love Island Australia season 1, it’s been a good (albeit sickening) time.
The grand finale last night was at least 450 years long. I felt like this at the end of it.
We open with one of those music-video-level sequences, all slow mo and people slapping their partner’s asses and adjusting their already fine collars.
The highlight is Josh‘s face during champagne hour:
Then it’s time for the weird ceremony that runs so long, I now have 5 children and 2 divorces under my belt. Also, who the fuck are all these people?
Only 6 are past contestants. Did they rent-a-crowd? Ask the Mallorcan folks down in town if they’d like some free champers in exchange for clapping and whooping on cue? I will wonder this to my grave.
Millie‘s still trying to be relevant, yelling shit out at Sophie as she walks on.
Millie just sit there expressionless like Mac, OK?
Eden answers all of Sophie’s questions about his relationship like he’s footy captain and being asked his opinion on how the game went.
Also every woman has worn a walking wardrobe malfunction except Erin.
Before we find out who’s won, we see the remaining couple’s final day in the villa. Tayla is getting sentimental about the communal bedroom. “There’s so many memories in this room, don’t you reckon?” Ummmm here’s some memories I can think of:
- Erin and Eden fucking loudly while everyone else is forced to listen
- Tayla and Grant having sexy times under the doona while Erin walks in to get a pair of sunnies
- Everyone breathing in 10 other people’s expelled air for weeks on end
- Farts
Then they’re all woken at the buttcrack of dawn to sit awkwardly in a row of separate romantic doona setups and watch the sun rise.
Then OH MY GOD GUYS. WE FINALLY GET TO SEE VOICE-OVER GUY. HE’S TOTALLY HOT.
He just ruined any chance of me sliding into his DM’s however with a terrible rap about the season. A surefire way to make any/all sexual feelings dissipate – write a cheesy rap.
Then we get actually cute bit – all the contestants score video chats with their families. Cue lots of crying as soon as they’re connected. I’m not even being a sassy bitch, it was really cute.
The best bit was how everyone’s sisters/brothers had clearly gone HAM on outfit deliberation and probably professional hair/makeup for their TV bit, and spent the entire crossover in the most flattering-yet-unnatural physical positions possible.
Meanwhile, petition for Josh to dump Amelia and date me instead? I am obsessed with him and also want to join his family, who were easily the coolest of the bunch.
As always, Erin is an extreme mood – the first thing she asks her friend Shael is “do my tits look good in this top?”
She also only cries when her dog Slinky is brought on camera. DOGS OVER HUMANS ALWAYS.
Also I’m fairly sure everyone who reads these knows I now find Eden an abhorrent bully with an anger problem, but it was really nice seeing him get emotional after seeing his fam. LET BOYS CRY, 2018.
In some quality reality TV bullshit, each couple then meets each other in some sort of Mallorca jungle situation to read what are essentially marriage vows to their S.O.
All the women wear white dresses like it’s their wedding. THIS IS WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR, PEOPLE.
Next (I told you this was the longest episode of all television, ever) we find out Josh and Amelia have come third. LOSERS! Hahahha. Kidding. They don’t seem to care much.
They get to watch a highlight reel of their relationship (how good would it be to have a highlight reel of all your relationships? Even like all your dates? When is the Truman Show going to become a thing but for everyone). It is mucho embarrassing for them esp. when they’re shown macking on.
Bc the producers are clearly trying to fill 400 million minutes of airtime, they make Sophie Monk try Josh’s robot dance.
Then it’s time for us to watch Tayla and Grant’s highlight reel, which obviously includes a lot of them fucking Cassidy over. Also, apparently everyone’s missed the memo about being on a reality show and freak the fuck out when they realise their dry humping was caught on camera and broadcast to the nation.
Finally we see Eden and Erin’s highlight reel. It’s less exciting so I’m not showing you any of it. SORRY.
FINALLY, we find out the winners of Love Island Australia. It’s Grant and Tayla. Who cares about their reaction, check out Erin and Eden being salty as SHIT!
Also, Millie – continuing to try and stay relevant by getting about as excited as someone should be if they, you know, actually win.
Sophie’s clearly off Grant and Tayla and is the #1 fangirl of Eden/Erin. She says “you made me laugh SO MUCH” about 40 times.
AAAAND that’s it! Well, Tayla gets asked if she wants to keep $50k or stay with Grant and split the cash and OBVIOUSLY she stays with Grant. Boring. Take the money and run, beb.
CAN YOU BELOOOOOIVE Love Island is over? I have so much of my life back, what will I do with all these free nights? Probably play The Sims, to be honest with you, until The Bachelor starts.
Can’t wait to watch the Instagram announcements of imminent break ups flow in from these folks.
