APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE: Josie and Mel are out living their best lives so you’re all stuck with me for this Grand Badgelor Final otherwise known as ‘Is Nick Even Emotionally Available?’

Can I just preface this all by saying we usually have a feeling who’s going to win because it’s the goddamn final but I had no bloody clue what was going to happen tonight.

AIGHT HERE WE GO.

Actually wait, let’s take a moment to relive this SHIRT.

Nick and his bloody ukulele are off to New Caledonia to give his heart to either Brittany or Sophie, blah, blah recap, blah, blah, wow Sheraton New Caledonia looks gewd. 

Britt’s a bit worried about the whole Brooke situation ‘cos ya know, Britt’s got a rotten past with men so she’s scared of being hurt hence the batshit moment with Cass. 

And then we cut to Nick’s familyyyy, a familyyyy who was expecting to see Brooke in the final two.

So when the Badger drops the news, Sister Badger (Bernadette) is UNAMUSED.

“We thought she would’ve made it to the end,” she says.

Same, Sister Badger, same but Brooke is too good for your brother. The news dampens the mood a little, Father Badger – probably coerced into it by producers – tells us that we’ll find out soon if Brooke was the one for Nick…

Yeah, NOICE.

Up first to meet the family is Britt and she’s shitting bricks.

Bernadette pulls Britt aside and it’s game on: kids, marriage, vegetables in the garden, dogs – she wants it all and Bernadette’s a bit worried ‘cos is Nick ready for this sort of commitment?

BACHELOR FACT: Did you know Britt and the Badger were born in the same hospital???

Britt, taking it a step further, pretty much tells Bernadette that she’s in love with the Badger, the happy music plays, the women clink their glasses, all is well… UNTIL:

“It’s been a bit of roller coaster, it is tough, you got two girls who you like and they have so many good points… I’m just trying to piece it all together, it is quite tough. I didn’t think it would be this difficult. I thought I’d know straightaway but I’m just sort of in that zone, I’m trying to collect my thoughts,” the Badger says.

OOOOOOOOOFFFT.

Once again, Nick is holding back either because a) he has to or b) because he is not capable of human emotion or surprise option c) he’s just not that into Britt and Soph.

Just look at Britt’s reaction.

And now it’s Sophie’s turn.

Just like Britt she gets along like a house on fire with the family until Brother Badger takes her aside and really grills her ‘cos she’s a bit youngish.

There’s no kicking around the curb here, Brother Badger full on asks if Soph is in love with Nick and she dances the fuck around that question and breaks down. Soph obviously does but she doesn’t want to tell Brother Badge that she is in case she gets her heart smashed to smithereens.

Brother Badge appreciates Sophie’s “raw emotions” though and the happy music starts playing again.

IT’S FAMILY DEBRIEF TIME

Britt’s great, Soph’s great – “both powerful sources of growth” says Brother Badge, he’s really stepping up but Bernadette – WOOF -, “I don’t see that either one is a complete package for him”. 

“I feel like I’m in the middle,” Nick says. Mate just say you don’t like either woman, JUST SAY IT.

Did Brother Badger II say anything tonight? Nope.

Bernadette knows what’s up.

IT’S FINAL DATE TIMEEEE

Sophie is up first and of course Soph and the Badger hop on a jet ski and go ~ adventuring ~ to rediscover Nick’s “youthful energy” as he says. As the youth do these days, lots of making out on the beach happened.

Even though the Badger doesn’t bloody deserve it, Soph wants to talk about her feelings and she does – she tells him she’s falling in love with him and ugh, no, now I’m feeling because Sophie is going to get her heart broken BIG TIME.

And what does the Badger say in reply? “I’m glad you’re here. I’m happy you’re here.” 

FUCKING HELL.

For Britt’s date, the Badger rocks up in a goddamn helicopter – oh God, Britt’s so in love with him. Christ, I’m anxious.

Not quite a jetski, Britt gets a private trip to a private tree house.

“I’m definitely head over heels in love with Nick and I want a future with him.” 

Christ alive.

Britt, even though she might regret this, tells Nick she’s fully head over heels in love with the bloke and another kiss happens.

AND THEN, after telling Britt she’s the whole damn package he then follows this up with “I just don’t know if the timelines match…” 

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, IT’S NOT THE CEREMONY BIT YET.

AND THEN, he literally pulls the shitty “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME” LINE.

Britt, Britt is finding ways to try and convince Nick that she’s the one for him and it sucks, it really sucks.

IT’S TIME

Like I said 800 words ago, I really don’t know what’s about to happen even though Nick’s suddenly had a change of pace and told us “he’s ready”. 

Osher’s back, Osher can’t even save this shit show.

OH GOD IT’S TIME.

Ahhhh shit, Sophie’s out first. The sad music is playing, fuck.

“I like you a lot, Sophie” – you shit. 

“I am not able to wholeheartedly commit to you, right now.” 

And SOPHIE, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAYS? “BRITTANY IS AMAZING, I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK, I DO.” 

That’s it, Nick doesn’t tell Sophie why? That’s it. And as Sophie drives away and as much as she says she’s hurting, she’s really happy for Britt.

It’s Britt’s turn, happy music is playing, Britt looks STUNNING.

But why do I have such a bad feeling about this?

The happy music is playing, words – good words are coming out of Nick’s mouth… oh my God, wait, WAIT, HOLY CRAP, HE JUST GAVE THE SAME FUCKING SPEECH TO BRITT.

OH MY GOD.

IT’S 9:07 THERE’S STILL EIGHT MINUTES LEFT.

BRITT’S IN THE CAR: “He picked no one?” SHE’S SHAKING HER HEAD, SHE’S FUCKING PISSED.

“What a giant waste of time that was.” 

SAY IT LOUDER.

Britt wants to see Sophie to make sure she’s okay. OKAY, THIS IS FINE. THIS IS NORMAL.

Sophie and Britt reunite and I’M CRYING. They’re laughing, I’m bloody crying, what the fuckkkk guys, what the fuckkkkk.

Guys, Britt and Soph are the bloody best.

“It’s Nick’s loss.” 

DAMN STRAIGHT.

Oh, we’re back to Nick.

Brooke is nowhere to be seen. This is it, that’s it. THAT’S IT.

“She’s out there somewhere.” 

THAT’S IT. WHAT THE FUCK, I DEMAND AN EMOTIONAL REFUND FOR PUTTING UP WITH CAT, ROMY, AND WHOEVER THAT OTHER ONE WAS.

CHRIST.

Image: Network Ten