Okay so here we are, Josie (head of editorial at Pedestrian.TV) and Mel (P.TV’s senior style editor), and we’ve only just recovered from the non-stop DRAMA of last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise. Like, three people just fucken walked outta there, which was insane enough (who would walk away from free endless cocktails, I’ll never know), but then towards the end we saw Eden just straight-up pull the most dickhead manouevre we’ve witnessed thus far on Bachie in Paradise.

Of course Mel and I gasped, ate dinner, choked on it, and wrote down all our thoughts. Behold:

JOSIE: Mate, greetings from Melbourne. Tonight’s room service dinner was a cheese plate, please do not judge me.

almost as cheesy as the people on this godforsaken show

MEL: No judgement here. Cheese is savoury and therefore an acceptable dinner. Also, calcium. Maybe even probiotics? IDK. Probiotics seem to be in everything. I’m making stroganoff. But it’s a bastardised version and also is strog German or Austrian?

like something michael would eject from his body at a dramatic rose ceremony, no?

JOSIE: I don’t know, but it looks so good but also like vomit but like in a delicious hearty way.

MEL: I was so keen for this note prank they teased in the trailer. How evil has this show made me? I think somewhere between Trump and Hitler.

JOSIE: I was already at least one (1) wine deep when the show started so I too was here for drama.

MEL: But first, we opened with Elora‘s passive-aggressive workout. Her penchant for athleisure feels really at odds with her  ~ Tahitian princess ~ aesthetic, no?

JOSIE: Yes the athleisure is deeply Midge Quinlan, Elora’s actual real persona. Tag yourself I’m the dumbbell that Elora is going to cave Simone’s head in with.

how many calories does MURDER burn

MEL: I’m Simone’s losing battle with the humidity. She’s easily had the biggest hair trouble on this godforsaken (Chevron) island.

JOSIE: When Thomas came in I wasn’t expecting an arrival, I was all like “Whoaaaa who is this man bun?”. Is it me or does he look like John Mayer and James Franco had a deeply problematic love child? Megan was so obviously keen, I was so here for some Jake Ellis glaring.

MEL: Lol at Jake getting threatened. He’s worse than Jarrod.

JOSIE: Sweet Christ the man is a walking cliché. “I like to draw and play guitar”. Fuck off you do, you like ice hockey and poutine you big Canadian dummy.

MEL: Hahahaha. All the Canadians and Americans know how to play the game and the Aussies think this is for “love”. He was 10000% playing up the brooding, soulful creative persona.

JOSIE: Yeah the Yanks know how to win over the girls, saying shit like “I like guitars, drawing and going down on women for at least 30 min”. Meanwhile we got very quickly into the furniture coming to life in this episode.

MEL: Mate I feel weird, I’m crushing gently on Luke the Human Ottoman? Maybe because he’s so quiet I could be the true star of the relationship.

JOSIE: That’s definitely appealing, just you able to screech at will while your Ottoman supports you. Also that whole convo with Luke and Lisa was super intense and it seemed so random. Like why was Lisa suddenly like “IVE FOUND THE ONE”? She was slightly horny for Michael 0.5 seconds ago and basically masterminded the controversial grenadine vomit rose ceremony.

MEL: It was also random how suddenly Keira and Jarrod were now a couple supporting their sad single Michael friend. Like mate you guys have been “together” for literal hours at this point and now you’re Chrissy Teigen and John Legend levels of stable relationship? No. Stay in your lane.

JOSIE: You know what tickles me is how Michael has insisted 700 times to camera “I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE” even though we all know he is android and not human.

MEL: He’s been programmed for love before, Josie. Honestly poor Michael he tries so hard, and he really is quite genuine. Maybe the only genuine person on this godforsaken island. He’s absolutely a robot but he’s a robot with TRUE FEELINGS.

JOSIE: You know he’s my favourite character. When he walked out I briefly considered not watching it anymore. Like he just STORMED OUT. How can we do #FashionsOfFiji without those tiny, tiny shirts?

MEL: It’s a loss for the island and it’s a loss for fashion as a whole. If he doesn’t come out with a capsule collection of miniscule shirts that explode off your body, I’ll be devastated. Also, Michael if you’re reading this I’ll take 10.

RIP boyswear department shirts we will miss u

JOSIE: The convo with the Ottoman and the Occasional Table was really intense. It was pretty clear they weren’t long for the island.

MEL: The furniture removalists were called, the Ottoman and Occasional Table were to be moved to a new location.

JOSIE: It was funny how for a minute Luke wanted to stay on the island and just drink poor Wais outta house and home like what Tara and Sam are doing. When Lisa stormed off to her room I couldn’t tell if she was packing or just angry cleaning, because I am an angry cleaner and could relate.

MEL: Lisa’s moody walking along the beach was a vibe. Honestly it looks rainy as shit on that island, she probably just wanted to leave bc it’s foul. “Hey babe let’s go back to Bondi where it’s sunny. And there’s clear water. And no BOTFLIES.” (There are no botflies in Fiji).

how long will it take to walk to bondi do u reckon

JOSIE: I was slightly surprised when American Jared came into shot in the episode. I forgot he was there, he really is the new furniture. Like a nice buffet hutch.

MEL: Simone sitting there at the bar bitching about Elora and Apollo, she really is officially more sunburnt than Jarrod now.

JOSIE: Also, SIMONE. WAIS DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR DRAMA.

doll i do not get paid enough for this bullshit

MEL: Wais is over their shit. He is OVER their SHIT, son. He just wants to make them enough grenadine cocktails to keep them screaming at each other as he was paid to do, not listen to their inane bullshit 24/7.

JOSIE: He was THRILLED when John Franco came over to interrupt. Meanwhile, Elora and Apollo’s date was another wonderful weather vibe.

MEL: So LOL when she was like “look at this VIEW!” Mate you literally cannot see shit because of the grey cloud cover. The water and sky are one. One big grey sludgy mess.

JOSIE: Love when Midge Quinlan from Mudgee makes up a language and pretends it’s French.

voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir etc

MEL: Elora is every woman who decides they love some dude they don’t even know, and they lose their fkn mind like “omg he eats FOOD we must be meant to be!” My sister Kate pointed out when they got back that “everyone is so drunk and burnt”. Not wrong Kate, not wrong.

JOSIE: Simone’s side eye was a work of art. Why was everyone congratulating Elora as if they just got engaged?

MEL: I was so embarassed for Elora I crawled under my couch and died. They are not getting married. Apollo barely tolerated her.

JOSIE: Simone back on her insane laughter bullshit. Apollo: “Hi Simone” Simone: “AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

mate, NOTHING ON EARTH is that funny

MEL: Tag yourself I’m Elora taking her rage out on her champers when she saw Apollo wander over to his ~tru luv~.

JOSIE: I’m Wais counting down the hours until his shift is over.

MEL: Megan is clearly kind of into Thomas, I’m shocked she said no to the date. What are you doing Megan you are not owned by Jake. She has picked a Terrible Dude. THE terrible dude (until EDEN which we will get to in a hot minuto).

JOSIE: “I guess man buns are still in” – Jake Ellis, Fudge Texturising Wax Ambassador.

MEL: Tag yourself I’m Jake’s murderous eyebrow raise when Thomas asked Megan out.

JOSIE: I am his sassy pursed lips. Also Mel can I tell you something? This ridiculous Cliché Man Thomas was really stirring my loins.

MEL: Sameeeee! Like why was he getting mass rejection from everyone, it was so uncomfortable and BIZARRE.

JOSIE: He’s objectively a hot man. Like the guitar wankery is a bit much but he is a babe. What did you think about Jarrod’s plan to go on the bro date?

MEL: This is very nice of Jarrod but I can’t believe LEAH, who has no dude and is totally open to a zesty hook up, said no. He’s easily the hottest man who has walked in. Da boiz having a bro down in the bath was a mood and a fkn half though.

JOSIE: YEAH THE BOIS etc. DON’T DOG THE BATH. Sam was shitfaced in the tub.

MEL: I was so here for it when the Note Drama finally unfolded. My friend Amy was sending me multiple memes of the ICONIC Jersey Shore moment that it was pretty much lifted from.

classic literature always involves a c*nty secret note

JOSIE: Silly Elora didn’t realise that American Jared is a buffet hutch from Fantastic Furniture and cannot write notes.

MEL: When it was unfolding I was like “doooo we think American Jared is secretly a demon and wrote the note.” But then Grant is a demon so maybe he did it. Or is Simone the Queen of the Damned? I was thinking: not being dramatic but I need to know at some point or I’LL DIE. I’m so glad they didn’t keep us guessing.

JOSIE: I just kept thinking I’m fairly sure this exact storyline played out in the school quadrangle when I was in Year 8. Also I had a brief theory that the producers wrote it because American Jared is furniture and they needed a storyline.

MEL: I was screaming over the reveal. SCREEEEAAAAAMING. And I mean it, I was watching with my boyfriend Dan and sister and there was a collective gasp. A big group gasping session AND Dan completely refuses to watch the show, so this proved he’s been lying this entire time and was actually eyeballing the TV screen in secret and not “researching my Dark Mofo trip” as he keeps saying. So it was satisfying in a way.

But I digress. EDEN IS THE DEVIL. HE IS A DEMON. THE DEVIL. THE ACTUAL, REAL DEVIL. I’m so terrified of him omg. What a fucking psychopath!!!

JOSIE:  I choked on my $35 hotel Pinot Grigio because my cheese plate hadn’t arrived yet. My boyfriend originally liked Eden because he thought since he is Kiwi it meant he was Taika Waititi. He was wrong.

MEL: I love that Ali called him on it. Huge respect for Ali in the last 2 eps actually, giving Simone the hard line when she was being a hypocritical snake about Elora and Apollo, and then shitting on Eden.

JOSIE: I love Ali she is an angel, with so many feelings. Poor Elora, like she’s been totally unhinged over Apollo but this is just so fucked. Like who does that to a person? And then he tried to talk to her?!

hi can i take you somewhere private and suck your soul out of yr nostrils

MEL: It was such a shit explanation too. 100% he didn’t do it for a lol. He did it out of jealousy! He’s FUCKING INSANE.

JOSIE: I was glad Elora walked away from him at that point, but then that rose ceremony?

MEL: MATE. MAAAATE. What was she doing!? He is awful. THE HEIGHT OF GARBAGE HUMAN. It was fucked up. Why was she hugging that problematic man? Stop touching him he’s ACTUALLY THE DEVIL, ELORA. THE LORD OF THE DEMONS. THOMAS IS SO HOT. What is wrong with these people, good lord. Why would you choose Eden over THOMAS. I had to have a calming second bowl of stroganoff, I was so worked up.

do i pick the actual demon or the really hot nice bloke, goddd this is HARD

JOSIE: I choked on my brie that had finally arrived by that point. I felt sorry for Thomas in his sensible Van Heusen business shirt. But it looked like in that trailer he might be coming back? The producers were probably like “Elora what are you doing this is NOT what we agreed upon”.

MEL: For a second I thought it was Flo coming back, but I am here for it if it’s Thomas. It’s going to stir so much shit with Jake.

JOSIE: I can’t wait to see his smug face CRUMBLE.

Liked this recap? Make sure you hit up Pedestrian.TV tomorrow for our thoughts on the drama of Episode 11.

Image: Network Ten