Bachelor In Paradise somehow feels like it’s been on for three weeks and three years? So much has happened, and we’ve still got at least a week to go if you believe Osher Gunsberg, who in Sunday’s episode proclaimed it was the “final week” in Paradise. People like Tara and Sam (and probably Keira and Jarrod), who at this point are just enjoying a free island holiday, must be devastated. Meanwhile Wais, the most overworked bartender in the Southern Hemisphere, must be overjoyed by the news that he doesn’t have to make any more mango daiquiris for these beautiful idiots.
Sunday night’s episode was full of shock exits (Eden), excruciatingly drawn-out exits (Leah) and the return of Florence, who was absolutely ready to find Jake and drown him in the pool. As usual, myself (Josie, Pedestrian.TV’s head of editorial) and Mel (senior style editor at P.TV) had many thoughts on the proceedings, which we’ve compiled in our usual batshit recap for you below.
JOSIE: Mate hi, just letting you know that dinner-wise I wolfed down a pesto pasta so fast I didn’t even get a pic of it.
MEL: I went out for dinner so we have both failed royally tonight.
JOSIE: Let’s just jump in, shall we? I feel like Keira was trying to be cute and funny like Tara and Sam with this couple convo, but Jarrod has no sense of humour and just stares at her with his Commitment Demon eyes.
MEL: Hahaha it definitely feels like Keira does not analyse this relationship in the slightest. Like WHY does she like Jarrod? Is it his ability to just ruin any romantic moment by being way too intense? The Mum and Dad comment was so LOL. Bitch no, if anyone is the Mum and Dad here it’s Grant and Ali. That being said, there’s something kind of cute about Keira and Jarrod in an odd-couple way. I can’t help it, I’m into it. When she forced “will you be my girlfriend?” out of him – iconic moment. Also, me in every relationship ever.
JOSIE: I love that Wais was so grossed out by Jarrod and Keira’s canoodling that he just fucked off out of there.
MEL: Wais has always been, and forever will be, the ultimate mood. But OMG, Jarrod going “the connection we have right now, nothing’s going to break us”. SURELY these people are trolling us. SURELY. Or they’re the most delusional human beings on the planet and there should be a Bachelor In Paradise spin-off where they’re all sent to an island to be treated by a psychologist.
JOSIE: Remember your theory that Ali is a secret therapist? Maybe she’s in the spin-off. For this entire episode I was just all LEAH JUST FUCK THE FUCK OFF. American Jared doesn’t care about you or your inner/outer turmoil. He couldn’t have looked more asleep during that convo. How could she have thought it was a real rose? It was quite obviously a pity rose! He’s basically packing her bags and booking her flights on Expedia for her.
MEL: Leah is such a comical farce now that even the music that accompanies her appearances is clown music. BECAUSE SHE IS A CLOWN. LEAH, YOU’RE A CLOWN. Accept it, now leave. She’s honestly such a punish. Do you know what she is? That person that puts up a Facebook status all “Can’t believe someone I trusted would do this to me” or “Devastated…” and waits for people to comment “omg are you okaaaaaay what haaaaappened?”
JOSIE: It’s such attention seeking behaviour. I love how Keira does NOT buy into it. ‘IF YOU SAY YOU’RE LEAVING ONE MORE TIME I’LL PACK YOUR BAGS FOR YA AHAHAHAHAHAH I’m serious.’ Oh my god I was screaming over American Jared’s verbal diarrhoea with Rachael. A minute ago he was a buffet hutch and now he literally cannot stop talking. How many grenadine cocktails has he had today? Wais this is not RSA mate you’re gonna lose your job.
MEL: See, I felt like Rachael was being a bit of a shit about that – he went over there to be like “hey I like you, and that whole thing with me picking Leah was just because I couldn’t pick you”. And he seemed all nervous and cute! Like he really liked her.
JOSIE: Thomas going dark/emo like in the third Spider-Man movie where Tobey Maguire gets the black spidey suit and just stops giving a fuck. What a turn. This Megan thing has fucked him over.
MEL: Yes! A thing we can agree on. He’s allowed rejection to kill his soul, and now he’s just operating like he’s Voldemort or some shit. Well, not really Voldemort since he kind of stayed the hell out of stuff and had minions do his work. A very calculating minion of Voldemort, then.
JOSIE: WOW he literally screamed “SHE SAID YES!!!” Mate you did not propose to the woman, she’s just going on a heavily staged date with you.
MEL: Oh god, I know. I’m concerned Thomas’ brain has fallen into a pina colada and gotten very drunk, and now it’s not operating at max capacity.
JOSIE: The blue sky and clear water – it’s outrageous! They must have finally given up on Fiji and moved to Surfers.
MEL: Or have they finally given up on Surfers and found a bit of budget to fly these last contestants off to Fiji, that is the ultimate question. Also – nothing on Earth has ever made me as turned off as American Jared saying “nobody wants to play with me” in a baby voice. RIP my libido forever.
JOSIE: Rachael on this date – my god. Julien reckons she laughs like a politician. AHA-HA-HA *cold dead shark eyes*
MEL: YES. Her eyes are so dead. Also – GOLF? This is what we have come to, producers? Golf as a date? If my boyfriend said to me, at any point in our relationship, “Mel, you’re amazing. I’m going to take you for a romantic game of GOLF,” I’d kick him squarely in the balls and then throw his phone in a lake so he could never call me again. That is how unacceptable golf is as a date. Sorry if you’re some weirdo golf-lover but you’re wrong about all of life.
JOSIE: We’ve seen a football date, running around on sand dunes, kayaking – these are seriously low-budget dates. Where are the candlelit dinners?
MEL: Actually, back to the golf bc it has really rustled my jimmies – it wasn’t even GOLF. And then it wasn’t even PUTT PUTT it was basically a shit version of croquet? Just plonk them in front of a giant vodka bottle and some aphrodisiac food guys, it’s not that hard. Also lol at Thomas’ “nothing compares to a beautiful woman in yoga wear and a golf game”. Uhhhhh, I can think of many things that compare to that, Thomas. Having a tooth pulled out. Breaking your finger at netball. Being forced to watch 4 hours of Big Bang Theory.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m the butt sweat that Rachael’s about to have in those grey bike shorts.
MEL: I’m Rachael’s smunty “omgggg I’ve been here for two days and had two dates” comment.
JOSIE: Do you feel like we hit pause on Elora/Apollo/Simone and suddenly it’s back and I forgot all about it?
MEL: Yes, I completely forgot Elora was even involved in that Simone/Apollo triangle because we had the Rachael/Simone drama going on. And as always – WHY does Apollo incite so much cat-fighting.
JOSIE: Also I still can’t believe she has “connected with Eden” after he played that hideous prank on her. Why are we rewarding Demon Behaviour Elora?
MEL: MATE. How is she even in the vicinity of Eden and not wanting to rip his balls off his body. If anyone has been brainwashed on this island by a demon, it’s Elora. Also her entire piece-to-camera about how they’re just FRIENDS, guys Eden is my FUN GIRLFRIEND, we BOTH know there’s NO romantic connection it’s just MATES!! She absolutely knows Eden wants in still, it was like she was trying to convince herself.
JOSIE: How weird was it that Eden took Jake aside for this romantic one-on-one to spill his heart to him. Like I feel like Jake doesn’t even like him and is like…bro why am I here.
MEL: They have absolutely no foundational friendship to warrant that bro-down, at all. Jake was all “…. what is your name”. LOL though when he said “Eden and Elora seem like they have a PLUTONIC RELATIONSHIP”. PLUTONIC. I died. RIP me I’m done with Bachie recaps because I am dead. Can we discuss Rachael and Thomas’ awful golf date, part 2? They sit down in front of a small row of egg sangas and some cordial, and Rachael basically loses her mind over how “amazing” it is.
JOSIE: OH MY GOD WHEN RACHAEL REFERRED TO HERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON AND DROPPED THE ‘I’M 33’ CARD I AM SCREAMING. I’ve been saying it the whole time there is something OFF about this chick.
MEL: I do feel she needs to cool it with the “I don’t have time” business. Like mate, you’re on a reality TV show where they’ve shoved a bunch of people who want attention on an island. If you “don’t have time” for fake romantic bullshit this is not where you need to be, bb.
JOSIE: Also Thomas = loves a Paradise pash.
MEL: LOVES IT. But you know what, go for it mate. This is what the audience wants. None of that awkward Michael-esque “is this a date or an interview for an accountant position” insanity.
JOSIE: OMG let’s talk Florence.When Osher came I was just like BRING IN FLOOOO PLEASE I WANT THE DRAMZ.
MEL: FLO RIDER IS BACK! I’m calling her Flo Rider now like the rapper. Or is that Flo Rida? Whatever. I feel like they’d been hitting us over the head in the promos with the Florence hints so I wasn’t surprised AT ALL, but damn that was a good entrance. Jake looked like he had done a small poop in his undies.
JOSIE: The music editor is on point. That was the heaviest, most dramatic music – like something from the evil man scenes in Star Wars.
MEL: The “evil man”? Do you mean Darth Vader?? JOSIE.
JOSIE: I know Star Wars well, but Darth Vader isn’t in the new ones, so Evil Man seemed to cut it. I have to say, I do enjoy how the producers are just out to fuck with Jake, my most hated person. First Thomas, now Flo. As Julien said “suffer in ya jocks, dickhead”.
MEL: Also Flo Rider’s face when she was walking in. Extreme “I’m going to fuck you up, bitch” mood.
JOSIE: I’m here for her zesty multicoloured nails.
MEL: This is a good #FashionsOfFiji interlude moment. Hi Rachael, did Kanye West mistake you for Kim Kardashian and dress you today?
I would also like to point out that her cap is circa 2007.
I will say this, though. I enjoyed this dress:
JOSIE: So I adore Sammy and Tara but THAT HAIR. I cannot cope it’s so matted and looks like it would smell Mel and you know that’s my most hated smell.
MEL: He needs to work something out. It HAS to be hiding something, like a Donald Trump bald patch. And like fair enough Sammy but FIND A NEW WAY TO COVER IT. This is not working for you.
JOSIE: How do you feel about the baker boy hats are multiplying, Mel? Now Flo has one. This island is a breeding ground for stupid hats, demons.
MEL: I can’t even talk about the baker boy hats that are clearly breeding on this island. My new stance is maybe if I ignore them, they’ll disappear.
JOSIE: Back to Flo – her barring Jake was excellent content. She’s petty as fuck but I’m here for that. Keira was living for the nutcase like behavior. She practically pulled out some popcorn.
MEL: As was I tbh, she’s the fucking worst but at least she comes into this place and livens it up a bit. Especially since everyone’s coupled up as fuck which is SO boring. Meanwhile this came on as an ad break and I thought it was part of the show, like someone was going to be forced to eat a whole octopus and Bachelor In Paradise had turned into one of those insane Japanese game shows.
But no, just an ad for Masterchef, the show that’s been running for 40 years and literally no one watches anymore! How is it still running? Why do we insist on watching people cook stuff on TV, I can’t even muster up the energy to microwave some 2 minute noodles.
JOSIE: WOW Flo needed to shut up about Jake. Tara and Sam were looking around wondering: “If we knock her out with a coconut, will anyone notice?”
MEL: OMG Flo Rider brought so much spice with her re-entry. She was one spicy enchilada. Spice level – a very rich beef vindaloo.
JOSIE: Meanwhile Thomas and Rachael were gone for 200 years on that date.
MEL: Thomas and Rachael return – we now have hovercraft cars, we all can fly thanks to new technology, the apocalypse has occurred and we live in the sky now. Also quick #SunburnWatch – Jarrod, my dude. My guy. Someone help this man he needs a skin graft.
JOSIE: WOW American Jared with the demon eyes when Thomas semi-revealed that he kissed Rachael. The Demon Army is growing. Grant hadn’t been on camera once at that point, so clearly he was off readying the sacrificial altar.
MEL: I have this theory that Grant is going to drop Ali like a hot potato this week bc he actually has no soul/human emotions. Thoughts?
JOSIE: Absolutely. It’s the demon way.
MEL: Tara and Sam are clearly off this entire show and only on the island for the free alcohol/food. Love how they keep giving them dates so they actually have to BE on camera.
JOSIE: “I hope there’s cheese” – my motto for life in general.
MEL: I do think they’re super cute but I also worry for them IRL – everything on this island seems SO intense. Everyone’s like I LOVE YOU FOREVER I WANT TO BIRTH CHILDREN WITH YOU IN A WEEK. Guys chill. It’s like you know when you work somewhere and there’s the “hot” person but it turns out they’re just a soft 5 in the real world? It’s that. But with love.
JOSIE: Eden had some serious Demon Eyes going on. The editing in this episode is fantastic, by the way. Elora and Eden in the to-camera chats = priceless. The Academy Award for Best Editing goes to Bachelor In Paradise Australia Season 1.
MEL: Absolutely. So many smunty glances and scary looks that were probably people just being like “I’m hungry wonder what’s for dinner, god I hope it’s not microwave pizza again” and “where’s Wais with my margarita I ordered that 15 minutes ago”.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Eden’s unblinking Demon Eyes as Elora chucks him into the friend zone.
MEL: I’m her frustrated sipping of her mimosa. I bet she was happy she brought that along tbh.
JOSIE: I was literally scared of him with this reaction. I thought, he is straight up going to kill her tonight. RIP Elora, we barely knew ye etc. I’m actually glad for Elora’s safety that he left.
MEL: Same. He really had those crazy eyes going at maximum levels this episode.
JOSIE: I’m glad they gave us Sam and Tara’s pure and lovely date was a nice juxtaposition to the demon behaviour of Eden. They are the greatest couple in Australia.
MEL: They are literally perfect for one another. But also fuck, Tara is such a catch I feel like ANYONE would be frothing her at the level that Sam does. She’s just such a quality, fun human being.
JOSIE: Was it normal to be tearing up when Tara says Sammy is the guy of her dreams because I WAS.
MEL: They’re pretty bloody cute.
JOSIE: OMG Elora’s speech. What was she doooooing!? Keira’s reaction is just pure beauty.
MEL: When she was like “she’s acting like I made it about me” HONEY YOU LITERALLY JUST SPOKE ABOUT YOURSELF.
JOSIE: As much as I love this heartfelt stuff with Sam and Tara, cynically I’m like the producers basically forced them into it by sending them on the date and asking them all these leading questions. Also, LOVE? You’ve known each other for like a week.
MEL: Mate I am so cynical regarding this show. I know everyone’s frothing Sam and Tara and I do think they have a connection that’s real, moreso than anyone else on this godforsaken sludge pit, but I still feel like we’re being manipulated a bit with their relationship. Like really, you’re in a romantic playground of COURSE you’re going to feel cutesy stuff. Talk to me when you’re out in the real world and Sam’s not-over-it ex is texting him unsolicited nudes, and you’re annoyed at him for going out with the boys for beers over watching the next episode of UnREAL with you, beb.
JOSIE: How many mango daiquiris had Keira had at the point of her chatting to Flo? I reckon… 12.
MEL: They were literally so done with Flo’s shit. Both of them.
JOSIE: SAME. I was literally screaming at the screen SHUT UP FLO. I don’t even like Jake, you know this, but I cannot stand Flo’s whinging.
MEL: Fully. I hate Jake too but MATE. She needed to stop whinging on about it. If you want to settle the score just bloody do it gal.
JOSIE: OMG that shit-eating grin on her face when he came over to talk to her. She was frothing. I did kinda like that she’s calling him on the BS. But mate you’re just setting him up to fail – what does she want to hear “Sorry Flo I’m way more attracted to Megan”? Because that’s the fact?
MEL: It’s sooooo very much like when you want closure from someone you’ve been dating or an ex, but really that closure is either gonna sound like “I find you annoying” or “I like this other person more than you” and babe you do NOT need to hear that shit, just accept he changed his mind and continue on.
JOSIE: Also W-O-W, Flo you were seeing him for like 3 days. The pre-show hooking up stuff must have been hectic, no?
MEL: Nah I reckon she’s just an insanely emotional person and ~the island~ and it’s magical powers turned her insane.
JOSIE: Leah is such a sore loser, I was like “just gooooooo” for 400 years in that episode. “Oh yes lets pack all my disgusting wooden heels into this plastic bag”. Why did she make a speech ,just shut up no one caaaares. Make like Eden/Michael/Laurina and just smokebomb FFS.
MEL: Leah was hands-down the most dramatic person on this show. I can’t believe she went and put on a fancy dress to leave. I guess she wanted to just look nice on camera? But still babe. Do not do that. Just leave in your bikini and cut offs it’s way more chill.
JOSIE: Also were those pants or a skirt I need to know or I won’t sleep tonight.
MEL: I want to say a skirt that blew up her legs to morph into pants. I cannot wait for this dramatic rose ceremony btw.
JOSIE: Tonight is going to be hectic. Even Osh looked concerned.