We’ve reached the Dead Zone. That bit between Xmas Day and New Years Eve, full of days and yet seemingly full of nothing.
[jwplayer G09aGnNy]
There is no concept of time and basic rules of decorum go out the window as you drink at 8am and have five hour naps while wearing undies and nothing else from sun up to sun down.
It can be a weird time for even the most screwed-together of us, so I’m here to guide you through. Think of me as a spiritual leader through the limbo, except I have NFI what I’m doing and will likely commit all these crimes.
1. Do Not Contact Exes
DO NOT. You will undoubtedly have several moments of nostalgia where you think “shit, why did I break up with that person” or “maybe they’ve changed their mind and love me now”. No. Stop. Put the phone away. Throw it into the kiddie pool if you need to.
This is the worst time to contact an ex. You are bored, hungover 24/7 and have that malaise that comes with eating too much potato. Wait until you go back to work, then reassess.
2. Don’t Go On A Diet
I get it, you’ve gorged yourself for three days straight and now your cut-offs don’t fit. This is not a time for change, though. Keep rolling with the punches, because trying to diet (or start a fitness regime) will only end in disappointment for you, ok?
If you’re feeling particularly shit, just go for a run. I go for my only run a year on the 28th December.
3. Don’t Download That App That Tells You Who Unfollowed You On Instagram
In fact, never download that app – I did it and it was a bad time. But especially now, do not do it. There’s a high chance at least five people have unfollowed you due to your drunken mimosa posts from Christmas Day, and you just don’t need that negativity in your life right this minute. You’re not equipped to handle it. You can only handle cute puppy pictures and sleeping with your mouth open, ok? That’s it.
4. Don’t Make NYE Plans
Look, at this point you either HAVE NYE plans, or you have no NYE plans. If it’s the latter, do not try and work it out during this weird limbo period. You’ll pay $300 for some terrible ocean-side party with like, RedFoo DJing because you feel shitty and weird and need something “to look forward to”.
But you will hate the RedFoo party and regret that spending, trust me. Instead, just continue the chaotic energy you’ve started and wait until 4pm ON NYE to make plans.
5. Don’t Watch The Cricket
I am right now by osmosis because my Dad is watching it, and it’s really adding to the limbo depression.
6. Don’t Cut A Fringe
My god, do not. Especially by yourself with the kitchen scissors. On that note, also don’t trim your fringe? Did I do that? Yes. Do I now look like a Lego character? Also yes.
7. Don’t Compare Yourself To People From High School
If you go home for the holidays, you’re likely running into high school acquaintances left, right and centre. It’s easy to feel like the grade fuckup when everyone has four kids / is a science investigative reporter or some shit / is constantly running in fitness clothes that aren’t their sleeping t-shirt, but do not fall in that hole.
This is a terrible time to start the comparison game because EVERYONE IS LYING. They’re all fucking liars! That person with the kids is always tired and they’re prob cheating on their partner. The science investigator has a fake job. And the fitness person… I mean come on, you’re not jealous of a fitness person.
8. Don’t Fuck That Family Friend
You only like them right now because you feel weird and it’s limbo time, and they’re a strong 8/10 in context of all the other family friends’ kids and the guy running the servo over the Christmas break ok?
If you fuck them, somehow your parents will find out. Don’t ask me how, I do not know. They just will. And then you’ll be dealing with them trying to get you married off for the next century.
