Last night a man with the name of Altiyan Childs was named the (probably deserving) winner of The X Factor: Australia drawing 1.632million viewers to witness the moment. The finale show topped the ratings however it is more or less common knowledge that – despite having a heap of money pumped into it – the show bombed hard. Was it was an absence of contestants with enough personality to capture our imagination that made it crash and burn, or is it the fact that a singing contest is a pretty tired concept in the ever-evolving reality tv dominion… Whatever the catalyst, the fact remains that not a lot of people really cared about X Factor. It’s not like it didn’t have the right ingredients to get reality television show obsessives (like myself) hooked…
The litany of reality tv shows broadcast on free-to-air Australian channels can generally be deferred into one of six contextual categories:
1. the talent show (“Australian Idol”, “Next Top Model”)
2. ugly duckling to swan metamorphosis (“Biggest Loser”, “What Not To Wear”)
3. rich c*nts doing stuff (“Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County”)
4. drunk people being funny (“COPS”)
5. how to survive situations you’ll never actually find yourself in (“Big Brother”, “Bear Grylls”)
6. important life lessons (“Undercover Boss”)
In one way or another the latest incarnation of The X Factor franchise won by Altiyan somehow managed to fit into each one of these categories; nailing so many parts of a usually viewer-heavy recipe is why producers must be mystified by the show’s noted failure to attract the expected audience. Obviously the very nature of the show fits into the talent show category as it’s core purpose. As for ugly duckling to swan metamorphosis contestant James McNally went from dick to slick with a winning haircut; plus-sized finalist with plus-sized talent, Sally Chatfield, got a fab makeover mostly consisting of feathered lapels a la Brandon Flowers; and James Blunt turned up with a much improved crewcut.
Kyle Sandilands takes care of the rich c*nts doing stuff category (actually, to be fair ALL the judges can be considered assholes in their own right), and the pre-show scandal of ill-fated host Matthew Newton is the important life lessons that were learned. And (I realise it’s kind of a stretch) but sub-par hacks Luke and Joel were shining examples of how to survive situations you’ll never actually find yourself in every time they got on stage.
The only thing missing from the show was the most entertaining category of all.
I know this to be true because I forced myself to watch the show week after week fueled only by my (super embarrassing) fear that the minute I bailed out would be the moment it started getting really good. My reality television watching days aren’t over yet, because as a lover of crap it would take some seriously next-level crap to curb my taste for it.
See you at The Block finale tonight!
