What makes a bachelor eligible? Well as a heterosexual male who sees no discernible difference between George Clooney and George Bush’s sex appeal I’m probably the worst person to ask. As well as that my perception of what makes a guy date-able has become brutally warped because my own relationship was initially sparked by pity then fortified with three years of complacency masked as laziness. Judging from Cleo Magazine’s Top 50 Bachelor Of The Year Nominees however, the ability to look completely natural while sporting an open bathrobe and reclining in a bathtub helps. If that sounds like your kind of eligible, you can meet Mr. Open Bathrobe and his dashing cohort at the Cleo Bachelor Homepage now. Take your time (as I have) and look around, soak in the bachelor vibes and bookmark your favourites.
It’s a devastatingly beautiful field this year isn’t it? Notice how of the fifty nominees twenty appear to have lost their sleeves. More importantly though, notice how of those twenty, fourteen appear sans-sleeve because of the more pressing sans-shirt problem. You’ll also find the classic “just stirred from contemplative slumber” pose complete with boxer shorts and neck to navel open shirt combo. Which really, is an insult to buttons everywhere. I also like how they’ve tried to include props from each bachelor’s vocation like the shirtless surfer with a surfboard and the shirtless guitarist with a guitar. You know, the little things.
Then there’s the interviews and eye-opening questions about love song recommendations, following your dreams and grand romantic gestures – this is where we truly get to know our bachelors. This is also where I’ll attempt to predict the future through the fine feature films of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston. You see, a completely un-ironic appreciation of the Romantic Comedy genre has taught me that a good sense of humour, airport foot-speed, and a resemblance to either Matthew McConaughey or Michael Cera increases you eligibility tenfold. Seeing as a love of X-Box or Mexican food are my only prerequisites for male companionship – I’m going to instead use the power of Romantic Comedy to help predict the 2010 Cleo Bachelor Of The Year.
Here are my top four picks:
GEORGE HOUVARDAS – THE ADAM SANDLER LOOKALIKE
George Houvardas is blessed with an exotic surname. If I was to marry George Houvardas I would then become Ashley Houvardas and that’s reason enough to take this dude down the aisle. More importantly however, George looks vaguely like Adam Sandler the underdog star of such Rom-Com classics as 50 First Dates and The Wedding Singer. According to our Rom-Com rulebook that puts George at the top of the eligibility pile.
Extra Points: We don’t know what’s more off the hook – that phone or George’s immaculate chest hair.
JOHN STEFFENSEN – THE RUNNER
Rom-Com logic dictates that at some stage during the whirlwind flings serendipity occasionally throws our way men will chase women through crowded airports, bus depots or train stations for no apparent reason. That simply appearing at an airport discounts all past wrong-doings is pretty absurd but deciding to win back your dream girl 30 minutes before she’s to board a plane is kind of insane. That’s just poor planning dude. Anyway, based on this most confusing of Rom-Com tropes my second pick is sprinter John Steffensen because there’s no way you’re leaving the country without him appearing over your shoulder at the departure gate.
Extra Points: When asked about his concerns for the future John replied: “That 2010 move. That movie messed me up”. This is adorable on two counts. 1) It took a fictional blockbuster as opposed to say, “An Inconvenient Truth” to spark John’s fears for the environment. 2) Though a movie called 2010 does exist John clearly meant 2012. Either that or he’s referring to the year the movie was released and is the vaguest human on planet earth.
DAVE RENNICK – THE MUSO
If John Cusack’s back catalogue (Say Anything, High Fidelity) has taught us anything it’s that music’s aphrodisiacal power is on par with Cupid’s arrow dipped in Oyster sauce and desperation. For this simple fact our third pick is musician and Dappled Cities guitarist Dave Rennick.
Extra Points: Unlike fellow muso and former Bachelor Of The Year Axel Whitehead, Dave doesn’t feel compelled to get his cock out at major music award ceremonies. In some circles, this may be considered a negative.
TODD FINLAY – THE BOY NEXT DOOR
Todd Finlay is this year’s Wildcard entry aka the random dude voted for by the public aka the boy next door. And drawing from the infinite wisdom of “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton” we know that boys next door will always trump celebrities when it comes to marriage-material. This is partly because you’ll rarely meet a celebrity let alone come remotely close to dating one, but mainly because the boy next door has been hiding his
Extra Points: If the body is a temple, Todd’s torso is the Sistine Chapel of Creatine.
ANGUS GRUZMAN – THE FUNNY GUY
Angus Gruzman aka Gus Da Hoodrat is by all accounts hilarious. He’s that stereotypical rom-com joker whose torrent of self deprecating humour instantly puts women at ease. This is called the Michael Cera effect. In most cases however, the rom-com “funny guy” is also funny looking and has to use humour to deflect attention away from this fact. Gus negates this Rom-Com trade-off by being both a hilarious dude and the glorious ginger version of the Paddle Pop Lion in human form.
Extra Points: 12 Inches as far as the eye can see.
OSCAR MARTIN – THE LEGEND
See that excitable fellow with the wagging tongue (hello ladies) in the center there? That’s Pedestrian Co-Director and my boss Oscar Martin. You won’t find him on the bachelor homepage but a few weeks back Oscar received a phone call from Cleo Magazine asking whether he’d like to participate in this year’s proceedings. He politely declined (he’s a taken man) and we all died a little inside. Partly because we’d love to see Oscar win but mainly because we wouldn’t be able to write a daily column following his Bachelor Progress. We were going to call it “The Journey” – that thing would have written itself.