The Bachelors Australia, a plural noun I still get whiplash from typing because I cannot believe there are three blokes, has premiered and the internet has thoughts.
I also have opinions. My friends have feelings. In fact, I was literally perusing Twitter for reactions when a mate told me he was watching the fever dream that was The Bachelors Australia with his Mum and friends and they were all screaming.
It’s hard to pinpoint when the yelling began, but it most likely kicked off right from the fucking get go when one of our leading lads, Jed McIntosh, went on a date with a lovely psychology graduate named Caitlin.
Jed, like a 32-year-old virgin who has never once enjoyed the visceral thrill of human contact, became instantly obsessed with Caitlin. She did not feel the same way and politely turned him down.
For reasons which can only be described as “inexplicable” and “disturbing”, Jed reacted like she had just hurt a kitten before his very eyes. The passy aggressive, spiteful tantrum — mantrum, if you will — that this literal adult chucked was the wildest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I’d be inclined to believe that Twitter felt the same way.
The Bachelor has never been more realistic than just now, when a woman rejected a man and he had a tanty over it #TheBachelorsAU— Que Sera Sarah✨ (@sayssare) January 9, 2023
"its brutal" she politely declined you #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 9, 2023
So Machine Gun Kelly gets rejected by one girl and then proceeds to spitefully reject each and every girl afterwards.. a toxic king. Hoping this is just editing #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/Gwrm7KlSVs— Lola Bunny (@Kdawwwgz) January 9, 2023
Machine gun Kelly from wish is NOT emotionally available at all #TheBachelorsAU— Alitabangel (@AlitaBAngel) January 9, 2023
Twitter also noticed that the producers just went gung ho with the first dates which, as we all know, was a major departure from the usual “getting tizzed up to walk down a red carpet and pray you say something remotely funny so the bloke/lass you’re trying to impress instantly falls in love with you” situation The Bachelor franchise usually delivers.
i’m sorry i hate to be difficult but i want my red carpet!!! i want my ballgowns!!! why are they already horny painting on each other #TheBachelorsAU— unsolicited bachie opinions (@katiebitching) January 9, 2023
okay i do hate this because the first episode is meant to be like the met gala but this format is like theyre going on their first date #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 9, 2023
I’ve half tuned in while cooking dinner and what is the fresh hell is this? I just want cocktail parties and Osher whispering. #TheBachelorsAU— Emily Tammes (@EmilyTammes) January 9, 2023
And you know what? The speed at which we were flying through the dates was nothing short of terrifying. I actually had to tighten my seatbelt and assume the brace position because there was no sign of slowing down.
There was Felix Von Hofe and Krystal‘s HOT and HORNY body paint date featuring his BONER which he referred to as a PAINTBRUSH.
is this the first formally acknowledged boner in Bachie history? I think it might be. #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 9, 2023
THIS IS A PRIMETIME SLOT #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/MS7XIwuyIh— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹🌹🌹 (@BOHpod) January 9, 2023
We saw Jed and Jasmine do INTIMATE yoga and STRETCH each other’s BODIES which, if I’m being frank, nauseated me. But young Machine Gun Kelly from Wish was still moping around like his wife of 40 years had left him for the local butcher and just … walked away? And then reappeared a few minutes later clutching a rose?
Twitter was convinced the producers told him to just give out a fucking rose because, you know, they’ve spent thousands of dollars orchestrating these deeply dogshit first dates and the show relies on him giving women flowers. All I’m going to say is my tinfoil hat was firmly on.
You can absolutely tell the producers told him to put the toys back in the cot and go back and give her a rose. Jed sucks #TheBachelorsAU— Thomas Bick (@TommyBick) January 9, 2023
#TheBachelorsAU the producer 100% just told Jed he MUST give yoga girl a rose or he’s off the show— Chester The Cockerel (@Chesterthecock) January 9, 2023
Did producers make him walk back and give her that rose or did he genuinely forget #TheBachelorsAU— Cara (@CLGreality9) January 9, 2023
Felix — a man who I am beginning to like merely because he shows some semblance of personality, unlike hyperactive man child Jed and Thomas Malucelli who will definitely dress his future children in linen in the middle of winter — went on a date with a midwife who brought an educational rubber vagina with her and made him deliver a baby.
In a truly rogue move, Channel 10 blurred the aforementioned educational rubber vagina. It looked like this.
Yet the absolute madmen in the editing room didn’t, like, cut out the bit from Felix’s date with Krystal when he literally adjusted his rock hard cocky onscreen? The internet and I were shocked I tell you, SHOCKED.
Pixelating an educational fake vagina after we’ve just seen this guy adjusting his boner is a choice. #TheBachelorsAU— Sir Kumference (@sirkumference) January 9, 2023
Channel 10 really blurring out a rubber vagina but zooming in on a painting class hard on #TheBachelorsAU— Lara🙃 (@LLP184) January 9, 2023
There were genuinely so many dates I lost track. Yet despite the sheer quantity of them, literally none of Thomas’ were memorable. If you told me to describe one date he went on or else you’d [REDACTED] me, tell my family I love them because I’m a fucking goner.
Still, Twitter noticed that he was giving out roses like they were going out of fashion. Just unlimited roses, like the floral equivalent of one of Willy Wonka’s dastardly rooms with endless supplies of chocolate. And our Thomas? Well, he was being one greedy little Augustus Gloop when it came to the flowers.
Meanwhile, Thomas appears to have handed out 1,256 roses #TheBachelorsAU— Michelle 🐿💨💉x3 (@MichelleMackey1) January 9, 2023
I thought they only got ten roses?! This feels like rose number 20 for Thomas?! #thebachelorsau— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) January 9, 2023
I'm just gonna do the Thomas approach, go for a night out and hand out a rose to every attractive person I see #TheBachelorsAU— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) January 9, 2023
The last date — I think — was between Felix and Abigail, who walked into the date wearing her cat Mini in a backpack. I have literally never brought any material thing other than, like, my phone, wallet and keys et cetera on a date, yet these gals were out there with all of their worldly possessions (pets, educational rubber vaginas).
Abigail was giving Zooey Deschanel quirky and her cat was a star. The internet was lapping it up like Mini hogging into a big bowl of cream.
I can’t believe we’ve got a contestant who carries around her cats in a clear plastic backpack and they’re *not* using the haunted carnival quirky girl music. #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 9, 2023
Vote Minnie the cat for best new talent at the Logies #TheBachelorsAU— TroyGK (@TroyGKane) January 9, 2023
Petition to make Mini the cat the next Bachelorette #TheBachelorsAU— Emma Rose ✨ (@MissEmmaRose) January 9, 2023
Cat lady vibes are impeccable, I'd give her my rose. #TheBachelorsAU— Daryl (@xwickedmindx) January 9, 2023
In saying that, bringing your cat with you on a date is a choice in and of itself (no offence, Abigail). Yet somehow, the cat backpack wasn’t the most bizarre part of the date — it was the fact that Felix had no more roses left to give. Nada. Zilch.
BUT HE STILL WENT ON A DATE WITH ABIGAIL KNOWING HE WOULD HAVE TO TURN HER DOWN. WHAT THE FUCK.
Anyway, as the legend goes, Felix surprised himself by actually liking Abigail and Mini the cat and found himself in the classic pickle of not having a rose in his possession. We’ve all been there, champ!
So what did Felix do? He called Jed, who was allegedly on a date (there was no woman to be seen) painting a denim jacket (???) and asked him for a rose. There was rose swapping and the internet (and me) thought it was bananas, people, completely bonkers.
A rose swap this is so wild #TheBachelorsAU— Alannah (@Alannah11567404) January 9, 2023
He's gonna TAKE ONE OFF PICKY JED?? THIS IS CHAOS. #TheBachelorsAU— Alitabangel (@AlitaBAngel) January 9, 2023
The show ended with the girls arriving at the Bachelor pad and not realising there was more than one Bachelor. Chaos ensued. Then there was a montage of girls crying and our three deeply caucasian Bachie blokes being horny and sentimental.
The end! If you got to the end of this story and realised that you, in fact, did not watch the first episode of The Bachelors Australia, you can read our stunning recap here.
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