The Bachelors Australia, a plural noun I still get whiplash from typing because I cannot believe there are three blokes, has premiered and the internet has thoughts.

I also have opinions. My friends have feelings. In fact, I was literally perusing Twitter for reactions when a mate told me he was watching the fever dream that was The Bachelors Australia with his Mum and friends and they were all screaming.

It’s hard to pinpoint when the yelling began, but it most likely kicked off right from the fucking get go when one of our leading lads, Jed McIntosh, went on a date with a lovely psychology graduate named Caitlin.

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Jed, like a 32-year-old virgin who has never once enjoyed the visceral thrill of human contact, became instantly obsessed with Caitlin. She did not feel the same way and politely turned him down.

For reasons which can only be described as “inexplicable” and “disturbing”, Jed reacted like she had just hurt a kitten before his very eyes. The passy aggressive, spiteful tantrum — mantrum, if you will — that this literal adult chucked was the wildest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I’d be inclined to believe that Twitter felt the same way.

Twitter also noticed that the producers just went gung ho with the first dates which, as we all know, was a major departure from the usual “getting tizzed up to walk down a red carpet and pray you say something remotely funny so the bloke/lass you’re trying to impress instantly falls in love with you” situation The Bachelor franchise usually delivers.

And you know what? The speed at which we were flying through the dates was nothing short of terrifying. I actually had to tighten my seatbelt and assume the brace position because there was no sign of slowing down.

There was Felix Von Hofe and Krystal‘s HOT and HORNY body paint date featuring his BONER which he referred to as a PAINTBRUSH.

We saw Jed and Jasmine do INTIMATE yoga and STRETCH each other’s BODIES which, if I’m being frank, nauseated me. But young Machine Gun Kelly from Wish was still moping around like his wife of 40 years had left him for the local butcher and just … walked away? And then reappeared a few minutes later clutching a rose?

Twitter was convinced the producers told him to just give out a fucking rose because, you know, they’ve spent thousands of dollars orchestrating these deeply dogshit first dates and the show relies on him giving women flowers. All I’m going to say is my tinfoil hat was firmly on.

Felix — a man who I am beginning to like merely because he shows some semblance of personality, unlike hyperactive man child Jed and Thomas Malucelli who will definitely dress his future children in linen in the middle of winter  — went on a date with a midwife who brought an educational rubber vagina with her and made him deliver a baby.

In a truly rogue move, Channel 10 blurred the aforementioned educational rubber vagina. It looked like this.

If You Were Wondering What That Noise Was, It Was The Internet Fkn Screaming About The Bachelors
That is indeed an educational rubber vagina. Image credit: The Bachelors / Channel 10.

Yet the absolute madmen in the editing room didn’t, like, cut out the bit from Felix’s date with Krystal when he literally adjusted his rock hard cocky onscreen? The internet and I were shocked I tell you, SHOCKED.

There were genuinely so many dates I lost track. Yet despite the sheer quantity of them, literally none of Thomas’ were memorable. If you told me to describe one date he went on or else you’d [REDACTED] me, tell my family I love them because I’m a fucking goner.

Still, Twitter noticed that he was giving out roses like they were going out of fashion. Just unlimited roses, like the floral equivalent of one of Willy Wonka’s dastardly rooms with endless supplies of chocolate. And our Thomas? Well, he was being one greedy little Augustus Gloop when it came to the flowers.

The last date — I think — was between Felix and Abigail, who walked into the date wearing her cat Mini in a backpack. I have literally never brought any material thing other than, like, my phone, wallet and keys et cetera on a date, yet these gals were out there with all of their worldly possessions (pets, educational rubber vaginas).

Abigail was giving Zooey Deschanel quirky and her cat was a star. The internet was lapping it up like Mini hogging into a big bowl of cream.

In saying that, bringing your cat with you on a date is a choice in and of itself (no offence, Abigail). Yet somehow, the cat backpack wasn’t the most bizarre part of the date — it was the fact that Felix had no more roses left to give. Nada. Zilch.

BUT HE STILL WENT ON A DATE WITH ABIGAIL KNOWING HE WOULD HAVE TO TURN HER DOWN. WHAT THE FUCK.

Anyway, as the legend goes, Felix surprised himself by actually liking Abigail and Mini the cat and found himself in the classic pickle of not having a rose in his possession. We’ve all been there, champ!

So what did Felix do? He called Jed, who was allegedly on a date (there was no woman to be seen) painting a denim jacket (???) and asked him for a rose. There was rose swapping and the internet (and me) thought it was bananas, people, completely bonkers.

The show ended with the girls arriving at the Bachelor pad and not realising there was more than one Bachelor. Chaos ensued. Then there was a montage of girls crying and our three deeply caucasian Bachie blokes being horny and sentimental.

The end! If you got to the end of this story and realised that you, in fact, did not watch the first episode of The Bachelors Australia, you can read our stunning recap here.

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Image: The Bachelors Australia / Channel 10 & Twitter / @LLP184