And with those words, the beige-est boy alive, Johnny Ruffo, put to death any modicum of good will I had left toward the X-Factor. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this. Tonight, one of these meatless patties will be sent home after last night’s show and the performances that comprised it, most of which left me with this face:
Tonight’s show kicks off soon. Check back here throughout the evening as we live-derp the crap out of these wheatgerm buns!
7:36pm: And we’re off with the usual over-hyped entrance of the judges, during which Mel B manages to execute a mildy-successful photo-bomb of sorts on Guy. Sometimes I get the feeling she’s the only one who’s even slightly aware of how ridiculous this X-ercise has become. The Top 7 (which is really like a Top 14) just performed a highly colour-blocked and choreographed version of Katy Perry’s stick-it-to-The-Brand single ‘Part of Me‘. Honestly, I didn’t really watch it because I’m so engrossed in my curry. It sounded good enough though.
7:43pm: Ronan just revealed that Ed Sheeran messaged him today on Twitter to say that he approved of The Collective’s performance of ‘Lego House,’ which I guess is a pretty good endorsement, considering it’s coming from the ginger artist himself. However, Ed Sheeran did wear a hoody to perform at the Olympic Closing Ceremony so I’m not really sure if his endorsement is something you’re after. Also on the show tonight, someone called Cher Lloyd (pronounced ‘Shurrrr‘) from The X-Factor UK will be performing as a part of the cruel, drawn-out process of crushing someone’s dreams. Should be great!?
7:50pm: Cher is peppy enough – she’s kinda like a brunette Miley Cyrus, circa before she lost that fight with a bottle of peroxide, some sheers and got actively involved with Two and a Half Men. It turns out Cher has an incredible Cockney accent, could be aged anywhere between thirteen and thirty and possesses an ample bustier. Ample in its evident use of bedazzler to achieve the desired result, which is somewhere between blinding and spell-binding. Next!
8:00pm: The judges lead their protégés out onto the stage, as Luke Jacobz announces “it’s time for the results“. The first act through to the top 6 is Jason Owen! Mel B is equally as stoked, if not incredibly more so, to remain in the competition. Side note: what happens to Mel if/when (when) Jason gets the boot?
8:02pm: Human ombré split end, Samantha Jade is also through; as is Shiane, the adorkable 14 year old.
8:05: Nathaniel is the last person to join the Top 6, leaving Fortunate and a deserving Bella in the bottom two “to deliver the performance of their lives.” That is, after Matchbox 20 come out of retirement/irrelevance to emote musically. More after the break!
8:12pm: You’ve gotta hand it to Matchbox 20, and lead singer Rob Thomas: they’re really consistent. From their hair to their wardrobe and their sound, nothing about them has changed in the 15 years they’ve been performing, which in itself is a massive achievement. I’m disappointed Santana won’t be making a cameo this evening because together those guys are smooth.
8:20pm: Ronan kicks things off: “Here they are, singing for their lives once again” are drop crotch denim and leopard print enthusiasts Fortunate singing ‘Man in the Mirror‘ by Michael Jackson. As always, these sing-offs are already a lot better than the judge’s song choices. These guys are harmonising really well, and the gospel inflection (or something decidedly more accurate?) of the song really suits them. Kudos Fortunate, I have a feeling these guys might have it in the bag. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything.
8:23pm: Nat’s introduction to Bella‘s performance was incredibly stilted and awkward, she stumbled over her words and ended up with something like “Bella beautiful song person“. She looks concerned already and Bella isn’t even out on the stage. Bella is singing ‘Let Me Go‘ by Lykke Li. I’ve written Bella so many times you’d think this was a Stephanie Meyer novel. Things started off really well and she’s doing a mighty fine job. Heart-broken indie ballads really suit her schtick but I’m not sure if that’s enough for the ratings hungry X-Factor pop monster. I mean, have you seen Johnny ‘Feckin’ Ruffo and his burger love song? That guy is clearly an A-Grade star with deep-fryers full of X-Factor. Remember, I don’t know anything.
8:29pm: Ermahgerd 101 Dalmatians is on TV on Friday! Cruella DeVille is my spirit animal.
8:31pm: It’s decision time. Guy is first up. He’s basing his decision on “just how special a performance is and I feel like in this industry you need to have something that’s really special and relevant.” Uh, pretty fkn sure it’s called the X-Factor, Sebastian, and it’s the reason why we’re here. For some strange reason though he’s siding with Bella, even though he thinks Fortunate killed those harmonies, the choreography, the overall vibe and believes that Bella peaked super early i.e. in her audition. What the shit?
8:33pm: Nat acknowledges, in a surprising show of self-awareness, that she’s a mumbling incoherent tool and sides with Bella, obvs. Cut to Ronan, who is also (obvs) going to side with his group. I can tell you that even before he’s made up his mind. See, I was right. He asks Bella (rhetorically) if she could stand on the stage with the Adeles of the world. He doesn’t think so and the world nods in agreement. “I’d love to be in a band like Fortunate” he says, as he gives the latter his vote.
8:34pm: It’s Mel B’s ball-breaking vote time. I just lost an auto-save of all this amazing commentary I wrote which got deleted. Your loss! Mel thought, like EVERYONE, that Bella peaked in her audition and hasn’t improved since but inexplicably has decided to send home Fortunate. Queue everyone making unfortunate puns about fortunate and misfortune. So, the more promising of the two boy-bands are being sent home (oxymoron: promising boy band) and they’d like to thank the big man in the sky: not Ronan’s quiff, God. Ronan manages to stick in a plug for his upcoming national tour and invites Fortunate to join him as the support act. You heard it here first, Australia: Fortunate are coming to a medium-sized RSL near y’all!
8:30something: That’s it. Feel free to submit your heart-thoughts (feelings) and your best Fortunate/Unfortunate pun below in the comments section. The winner will take home my admiration, a fortune to rival Aladdin’s cave. Don’t forget to watch 101 Dalmatians and we’ll see you next week, lovers!
