Hi guys! Tonight on The Voice Australia we’ll see our judges-of-questionable-esteem, Delta Goodrem, Joel Madden, Ricky Martin and Seal, continue their pursuit of glory as the coach of what could be the greatest voice of a generation. Or, have they already discovered The Voice of 2013? Could it be Caterina who ignited a never-before-seen protocol-breaking battle last night between Seal and Ricky? That is her above fighting Darth Vader. Shout out to my boyfriend for Photoshopping that for me.

This kicks off at 7pm tonight on Channel Nine. Join me, companions, as we take this journey together.

6:57pm: Dude, the show hasn’t started yet but they’re doing some excessive cross promotion on A Current Affair with a bullshit puff piece on Caterina. Good repping, Channel Nine!

7:07pm: Rebekah Davis, a songwriter with asymmetrical hair, will be the first person to audition tonight. She is singing a song by Delta Goodrem who is a huge fan of Delta Goodrem so she should be stoked… or devastated, if this chick makes a balls up of it.

7:10pm: Rebekah is singing the song “Not Me, Not I” and must be very nervous because her voice is shaking badly, not in a look at my classically trained voice doing vibrato kind of way, more like a I’ll probably never make it as a professional singer vibe. Once she finishes the performance and zero judges have swivelled, Delta runs onto the stage and scoops the poor Emily The Strange version of herself up and cuddles her weirdly in the chair. Delta then says “I was so honoured you chose to sang my song… And I think you should sing it again with me, don’t you think?” Then they SING IT while Delta cradles Rebekah in her arms.

*SILENT SCREAM*

7:19pm: I literally cannot deal with what just happened. I need an open palm in my face to get back on track. BRB.

7:20pm: The next person to audition is some guy who just received a video message from Ice House’s Iva Davies to tell him what a great voice he has. Da fuq?

7:21pm: “He’s got really high hair,” my boyfriend weighs in profoundly. This guy does have about six inches of hair brushed and gelled vertically in a pretty unmissable fashion. His name is Michael Paynter and he sang that Keane song (the one with the film clip in a forest). Delta spins around first after making wild conducting movements with her arms.

7:27pm All the judges campaigned fiercely for Michael, but he ended up choosing Joel as his coach because Joel said he could see Michael’s “humility” as a performer on stage. Michael literally says “something just resonated in my spirit with what he said about humility and that’s why I’ve gotta go with Joel.” RESONATED IN MY SPIRIT?! That’s exactly the kind of thing Seal or Ricky would say. Welcome to The Voice, Michael. I have a feeling you’re going to fit in here.

7:32pm: Q: Does anyone else think Joel seems drunk tonight?

7:33pm: The great-grandson of Barry Crocker named Wade Smith is performing next. What the heck is with all these young relatives of once-famous Australian entertainment folk this year? He’s singing “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman. Good choice. He’s not bad. There’s an Irish-sounding lilt to his voice which is pretty, but it’s a little shaky.

7:37pm: No one spun around for Wade who looks as though his dreams have been shattered, the poor kid. They’ve all given him a lot of encouragement and he’s only 17. There’s still time. Why am I even typing this? NEXT.

7:46pm: Time for Sophie Phyllis, a fit-looking single mother from Emerald dressed in a sequined dress with satin panels. She is singing a song called “Beautiful Disaster” (you could say the same thing about her in that dress! Ho ho!) and has a pretty legit torch-wielding set of vocals. Not bad. Delta and Ricky rotate in unison and sit there grinning like idiots. Seal spins around too. It’s on!

7:50pm: Ricky says “I wasn’t going to let that song get sung to the back of a chair. It needs to be sung to the world.” And Delta pipes up and is all “nuh uh, Ricky! It has to start in Australia first! It has to start right here in our own backyard,” which sounds pretty xenophobic really. This angle works and Sophie chooses Delta.

7:54pm: Next up is an old guy who has played with The Little River Band in the US. His teenage son is, I’m sorry to say, bawling embarrassingly about how proud he is and how this is the last chance for his dad (whose name is Steve Wade). No one turned around.

8:01pm: PS I’m really getting trolled on Twitter tonight.

8:04pm: A music pastor who goes by the name of Tim Oxley is the next to audition. He’s a cool pastor with an earring and says, adorably, “I’m not the best looking guy, and there’s a lot of really good looking people who go on this show, so I feel like the Blind Audition process could work in my favour.” Bless.

8:06pm: Tim is singing the Foreigner classic “I Want To Know What Love Is” and does a really solid job at belting it. Seal turns around after getting trolled by Delta with a heap of awkward fist pumps and finger-points-to-the-chair-turny-button and “aw yeahs!” and just as the last strains of the music fade Joel jumps in with a late rotation. He says “You were singing the shit out of that song.” He’s said shit three times and just said ‘fuck’ too, which was bleeped out. I’m 87% sure he’s drunk. Tim picks Seal in the end. I think he’s going to undergo one of those Tyra Banks-ish transformations once The Voice stylists get a hold of him.

8:17pm: Imogen who describes her voice as “ethereal but kind of strong when I want it to be” is going to audition soon, but first a chap named Mitchell who is wearing a ludicrous denim vest, but he does break in horses and do something horse-related called “trick riding” for a living, so absurd denim ensembles are all in a day’s work for this guy.

8:22pm: I thought Mitchell sounded pretty good. He has a really interesting voice, kind of soulful but pop-ish. Delta and Seal both swivel, Seal because and I quote “What I liked about your performance is basically your voice.” Um… Seal…

FFS.

8:25pm: It’s decision time for Mitchell and he says something along the lines of “even though I want to be a respected artist, I for some reason pick you, Delta.” LOLOLOLOL. Tonight is the best episode of the season, full stop. I admit I’ve been pretty bored watching other episodes, but tonight more than compensates.

8:28pm: Shout out to my boy Darren McMullen who this evening appears to have styled his hair by wetting it with hairspray before wrapping it in Glad.

8:32pm: Next up? That would be the brother of Australian actress Gigi Edgely, Jake Edgely. He is singing a Pete Murray song. He does an okay job but not enough to elicit a 180 from the judges. Jake should have auditioned with jam poetry, because his speaking voice is a deep Muppet-esque delight. Maybe next year.

8:41pm: Okay, it’s now time for ethereal Imogen. She’s singing “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + The Machine and her voice sounds very similar to Florence’s. Exactly like her, actually. When she hits the first big note it’s almost shiver-inducing and every judge rotates in unison. Florence V2.0 waves her arms around, ethereally, like a spider with jelly arms. Or a creature with actual jelly arms. Like a jellyfish.

8:46pm: After the judges shamelessly beg Imogen to join their team, she decides to join Team Ricky. Ricky, I should note, proclaimed “A star is born!” as his major adjudication. He says that to every third contestant, so his opinion is no longer valid.

8:50pm: That’s it for another night. Hit the comment section to debrief. This episode has been a turning point for me as a viewer. The judges were acting absolutely, fantastically insane (Delta cradling the auditioning Delta-fan while harmonising on a Delta tune), Joel was probably drunk, there were a couple of genuinely talented people auditioning, and BARRY CROCKER made a special guest appearance. It really had it all! Now I’m exhausted and need to lie down. Good night all.

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