Tonight, 2013 Logie winner Joel Madden returns to your television screens in his breakthrough role as an inarticulate singing judge who wears sunglasses indoors at night on Channel Nine’s The Voice Australia!!
Last night the second season of The Voice debuted, introducing new judge Ricky Martin – who has quickly adopted the role of excessively-supportive gush-bag and giver of A-grade hugs – as well as a shocking new hairstyle debuted on host Darren MacMullen Darren McMullen (whose name I have been misspelling for a year, sorry about that), and some decent amateur singers who shone bright like a diamond/s and got those mentors’ chairs spinning like a record, baby, right ’round (’round ’round).
Welcome back to the live blog for episode two, where we could very well meet the next Karise Eden! P.S. She’s the girl who won The Voice last year. Switch it to Nine from 7pm (now) and let’s live out our fantasies* together.
*Drop nachos on shirts while scratching our nuts in front of the tv.
7:06pm: After a super quick round up of tonight’s action (Note: handsome young man with stutter is performing tonight and the voice over guy dubbed it as the “television event of the year”. Way to make him feel different, announcer bro). The first contender for the evening is a gal named Danni Hodson who is into the show’s concept because she has experienced first-hand being judged based on appearances.
7:09pm: When Danni starts singing “Something’s Got A Hold On Me” Seal rotates almost immediately. Seal then starts gyrating in a pretty vulgar fashion in his chair. Ricky, then Delta and finally Joel all join the party. They also give Danni a standing ovation which, sorry to be a dick, but she doesn’t really deserve. She has a reasonably strong voice, not a mindblowing or especially unique one. Seal disagrees with me. He’s all “I would LOVE the opportunity to take you there” – that mythical “there” that only exists in the mind of a gent who wears nail varnish and, on occasion, white leather.
7:13pm: Delta takes a, frankly, sexist tack trying to convince Danni to join her team by saying how much she “loves working with girls. Girls are just better listeners.” Is she talking about herself or Danni? Joel is on pride-watch after several of his bids were rejected by contestants last night. He gives Danni some bullshit story about why he was the last judge to turn around – because he wanted to “hear that passion, that fire” in her voice. Then starts talking about how he and his brother used to sleep in their car and whatnot. Mate we get it. You lived in your car. So did Jewel. So did a lot of people.
7:19pm: In the end Danni picks Joel. Next!
7:21pm: Guys, I can’t even add commentary about these pre-produced packages when the judges talk about each other. Let me just say that Seal just uttered the sentence “I don’t know if I’d say I was a guru…”
-_-
7:22pm: Next up is openly gay Mark who has a lifelong goal of being a Broadway singer. Hm this could actually be an interesting performance…
7:23pm: Mark is performing “This Is The Moment”, an Anthony Warlow special [Google it] and definitely has that well-enunciated polished delivery of a musical theatre performer, but his voice just isn’t powerful enough to pull off the song. None of the judges turned around, but Ricky – the patron saint of rejected Voice contestants – said he would hook Mark up with the Broadway producer he has worked with. That was really sweet. God I’m bored…
7:27pm: Next to take on Blind Auditions is Ryan. Both his parents died when he was young. Ugh poor Ryan, he’s only 19 years old. Ryan definitely has a good ‘look’ for the competition – which isn’t to say that he’s hideously ugly and Blind Auditions are the only way he’d ever have a chance; I mean he is a good looking guy who’ll look really sharp in the Rat Pack-inspired suits and fedoras he’s inevitably outfitted with, probably winning the hearts of tween girls around Australia.
7:32pm: I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s see if the guy’s got a snifter of talent…
7:34pm: Ryan walks onto the red stage and waves nervously to the crowd. It’s adorable. And he’s singing “Brother” by Matt Corby for heaven’s sake. Teenage girls, start your PANTS ENGINES. Seal is in. You can tell by his impassioned stank face. And also the fact he swivelled his chair. Delta executes some exaggerated hand clapping, like someone overcome with the spirit of Jesus. She and later Joel swivel for Ryan, but he chooses Seal because Seal says a lengthy load of mumbo jumbo about his spirit and pain and “something inside you” and “I’m not sure what it is but…” Seal has officially assumed the title of Judge Who Says The Most Words And Makes The Least Sense. This comes as a surprise to no one.
7:45pm: Next up is jittery looking 20-something Skye Elizabeth. She moved to Sydney to pursue her dreams of stardom. It was hard because her mum has Multiple Sclerosis. Dude is there anyone out there who is just a really amazing singer with a boring middle class scenario? I’m serious. Anyway, Skye Elizabeth isn’t blowing my mind. She sounds like someone whose weekend schedule consists of “gigging” and performing at suburban function centres.
7:49pm: Seal spun around first, then – because he clearly has intense FOMO – Joel followed suit. Skye Elizabeth was so excited about the fact Seal turned around it was worth her getting through just to see Joel get pissy about being less popular than good ol’ adult-contemp Seal. HA HA HA HA. Love you, Skye Elizabeth, but you’ve got an ice cube’s chance in hell of surviving the knock out rounds.
7:56pm: TIME FOR STUTTER GUY!!!!!
7:58pm: There is a hushed silence in my apartment. Except for the swiping of a thong on carpet as my boyfriend tries to concuss a cockroach. Hang on, we’ve been interrupted by another contestant being introduced. Her name is something I missed and she plays guitar and is Christian.
8:01pm: This girl is singing a really pretty folk song and her performance is really simple and engaging. Sarah McLachlan-y vibes, not my cup of tea per se, but a lovely ‘real’ performance. Good grief, what does that even mean? I’m becoming Seal… All the judges turned around so now it’s up to Anna (got it!). And she chooses Delta. PS Is Ricky Martin wearing a draped black pinafore over his trousers tonight? Please advise in comment section.
8:07pm: Up next is a “singer and guitarist hoping for a second chance at making it big” – so says Darren McMullen. Nick is his name and he won a country music competition in Tamworth and is ready to take it to the next level. No one said ‘take it to the next level’. That was all me.
8:12pm: Nick kicks straight into his audition song, Aloe Blac’s “I Need A Dollar”, his large white teeth beaming light into our living rooms. It’s really not bad and Ricky rotates joyfully. He ends up being the only one to spin so Nick’s on team Rick. When Nick finished the song Joel says “I really wish I’d turned around” when he sees that Nick is a nice looking guy. He is so shamelessly shallow! Bless.
8:18pm: Next to audition is jazz prodigy [her name here] who is scatting. She probably gets paid shitloads to perform at weddings and with her life-as-jazz mentor, trumpeting powerhouse James Morrison. Joel is the only judge to spin around and he openly admits “I don’t know what to do with a singer like you but I couldn’t let a voice like that go”. This ladies name is Emma and she and Joel are having a good old flirty-flirt about their pending partnership. Delta is smirking like a hyena because Joel is stuck with the inflexible jazz obsessed girl. LOLOLOL.
8:24pm: Real talk: I need to leave my home in 10 minutes to get to a Fashion Week show. Please hurry up, stutter kid.
8:28pm: It’s so annoying how they’ve refused to include decent footage of the trainwreck contestants in the Blind Auditions this year.
8:30pm: Next to sing is middle aged dad named Tib who is wearing a black vest over BARE FLESH and has a job as a ROADIE. Tib is officially my favourite contestant so far. He’s singing Jet too. The judges all look bored shitless.
8:32pm: No love from the judges for Tib. His daughter is really upset which is very sweet. But there’s no time to dwell on the losers: IT’S STUTTER TIME.
8:34pm: His name is Harrison and he just hopes his voice doesn’t fail him tonight… If it does fail him I will egg the Channel Nine studios.
8:37pm: Harrison is up. He’s got an impressive and surprisingly deep, rich voice for such a young guy. And he doesn’t stutter once! If I had a soul I would 100% be crying right now. Seal swivelled first, then the others get on board. After the performance all the mentors take a big swing at procuring Harrison on their team. Delta says “I believe you’re really special and I understand special.” No words. She goes on to say “I love your voice and I can do a lot for your…” Joel interrupts with “I KNOW JOSH GROBAN!” which was a lie but a good lol. The judges are smothering poor Harrison with embarrassing slimy suck uppery, but he eventually picks SEAL.
8:46pm: Guys I’ve got to run to FASHAN. Enjoy your evening.
