The Good, Bad & Oh-Fkn-Christ-That’s-Ugly From The Grammys Red Carpet 2017

 

Hello ladies, gents, and everyone that sits somewhere else on the fabulously long spectrum of gender identity!

The 59th Grammy Awards are being held today, and the red carpet has been on fire with some extremely good outfits, and some… well, gosh. Really, really, really bad ones. 

Let’s dive the bloody hell in, shall we? Fuck all else to do. 

This dress is actually a jewelled floral dream; heavy jewelling AND pastel colour AND floral patterns usually ends up looking like a OTT glitzy version of your Nanna’s curtains, but Lea’s really pulled out a good’un here. This dress was honestly wasted on a hyper-early arrival. Let the cameras warm up, girl.

Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty. 

This dress is a result of Guiliana ransacking all of the Kardashians‘ Calabasas mansions and stitching every single one of their Balmain dresses together like Marge Simpson did with the pink Chanel suit in that episode of ‘The Simpsons‘. She then added a shit-tonne of lace fringe and a belt she found at an opshop, to rub a heavy amount of salt into the deep, deep wound. 

Desiigner hates shirts. He loves cars and ‘Fairly Odd Parents’, but goddamn, the man bloody hates shirts. A wine-coloured velvet suit is a gutsy move because most people end up looking like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, but hey, look, he’s Desiigner. He got a song to #1 for ages that white people actively loved despite not understanding one damn word of it. The man can do what he wants, imo. 

Eh, at least it’s not a penguin suit. The all black makes him look like he could be Batman, but the glasses make him look like he’s Twiggy and needs to pop in to the loo to powder his nose with Andy Warhol. Which, now that I say that out loud, is not a terrible vibe at all. Fair play.

BLINK-182 (MARK HOPPUS, TRAVIS BARKER & MATT SKIBA)

Oh my god. I feel like I’m watching a volatile family wedding, where the surly teen cousins throw some kind of puberty-driven revolt/tantrum and collectively refuse to wear a suit, finally relenting only to wear it with a two-tone tie or sneakers. What year is it? What’s my age again? Skiba is the nicest dressed person here, and that’s saying something because that purple suit makes him look like The Joker.

Hey look, it’s that same Balmain-ish dress the Kardashian fam always wear, but this time with a black, flower-goth kinda vibe. We get it, it’s kinda pretty. But goddamn I’m bored. Can someone get me a coffee? I really need a coffee.

MJ’s daughter is so bloody excellent. Paris went with a super interesting dress; hyper 70’s with its colour and lines, but extremely modern with the cutouts and the silhouette it creates. It also complements her tattoos, and vice versa, which is pretty damn neat. Shoes weren’t terrible but could’ve been better, and the purse was definitely a risk, but hey – nobody’s perfect. Paris still killed it. 

Oh hell yeah, I’m living for Adele in this extremely good-looking Givenchy. She looks like she’s taken her life inspo from Batman villainess Poison Ivy, if Poison Ivy lived in medieval times. Good shit, honestly. Matching shoes are a bit naff though. A nude heel and this woulda been a 10. 

White t-shirt. Black pants. Skrilly will be your waiter this evening, folks. Could you spare anymore for your tip this evening? Times is tough, y’know.

Holy CHRIST, this reminds me of an actual dance costume I had when I was about 11. Exact same colour and everything – mine was puffier though, it was like a puffy vest? I look back now and cringe. Anyway, apologies for the tangent – Halsey shouldn’t cringe, she looks excellent and interesting and good. The subtly quiffed hair makes this. NOICE. 

I am mortified by this. The only time a jacket like that works if you go full country, with cowboy boots and shit. What is this? Man, cancel that coffee. I’m gonna need a beer. 

I’m 110% here for Lil Yachty’s white tux blazer with rose-embroidered oversize tie. That shit is real good. He’s come complete with a grill that looks like it’s made out of Skittles, which is just – plain and simple – extremely entertaining for me. Rick Ross just looks exactly the same as Rick Ross always does, so like… no comment?

Look, this is just nice. It’s nice. She looks nice. It’s stock-standard, but she looks nice. 

Jason Derulo is dressed the way Tom Haverford from ‘Parks & Recreation‘ imagines that he will dress when he succeeds in becoming a very famous rapper. Those loafers man… Those are some loafers.

A mirrored mini shift dress? Really? I know the Grammys are a bit more chill on the dress code that other award ceremonies, but DAMN. Put some effort in, PLEASE. 

OH SWEET FUCKING CHRIST. I TAKE IT BACK. PUT LESS EFFORT IN. (Where that beer at? Necessary now.)

AWWWW, they match! James opted for a pastel rose silver tux jacket, and his wife Julia is in rose gold. This is actually really gorgeous you guys. And hosts are SO RARELY daring with colour, it’s normally just a standard B&W tux. God bless James Corden, honestly. 

Man, it’s summer at the moment in ‘Straya, so we’re quite used to sideboob. Sideboob is great. But you know what you JUST don’t get enough of? Undertit. Big shout out to Gaga for bringing back the unsubtle, in-your-face undertit. It’s undertit that just cannot be ignored. The feathers and thigh-high patent leather boots are like, not even important. Undertit forever. 

Oi, call me crazy, but I fucken love this hey. It’s so classy and the drapery is really good, and the term ‘feathered ra-ra skirt’ sounds terrible but it actually really looks nice here. Metallic is really happening at the Grammys this year, huh? 

Classic. Nice. What’s going on with the way it’s sitting down the bottom? Is it a side thing, or a train thats awkwardly wrapped around? Either way, that bustier top is very good and the embroidery is elegant. She might be overdressed compared to some of the above, tbh. 

RIP THE TIME WHEN ROSE MCGOWAN CAME AS MARILYN MANSON‘S DATE TO THE VMA’S AND WORE THE NAKED STRING DRESS. If you don’t know what that is, please click the link. It was an iconic 90s moment, and was a lot better than this strange robot outfit complete with goldleaf in her hair. I’m mainly just confused by this. 

Oh my god, Laverne is beyond perfect. She is an angel from heaven. That dress is so simple; stupidly sexy yet alos really elegant? Not many people can pull something like that off, and look elegant. What did we do to deserve Laverne Cox, honestly? Makeup is on point, too. 

Oh my god, could Chance actually get any cuter. This ensemble is so hugely different to the norm, yet it’s also incredibly simple and good. The shoes are kinda mismatchy to the jacket & pants, and so is the hat – but it works. Also love the fact that you can see where Chance had to get the pants hemmed because he ain’t so tall. BLESS.

Chrissy can honestly do no wrong. The weirdly spindly bodice, connected to the nude illusion dress, connected to feathers right at the bottom. It sounds too much, but it isn’t. It’s actually extremely good. 

Yo, can someone please explain to me why J.Lo just does not age? It’s just crazy, really. She’s an absolute vision in this pastel pink fluffy dream of a gown. The drape at the front, the neck and décolletage detail – this is… beautiful. *wipes away single tear*

Well, this is just classic Solange, really. I honestly wonder if there is any point in time that her and her sister do not look like goddesses. I mean, bloody hell. How. 

Am frothing real hard on this peach shirt/tie combo. And that oversize silk tie, with embroidery detail? Frothing. Real hard. 

I’ve stared at this dress for ages now, trying to figure out if its made out of rope. If it is, its way too ‘underdressed beach/boho gal‘ for my liking, and if it isn’t, it’s far too similar to every other Balmain dress we see on red carpets. It’s literally a lose-lose situation over here for me. Also, does she own like 160 of these dresses?

Yes queen, thank you for arriving and kicking everyone’s asses. Why would a bright orange bustier work with an enormous black skirt? Because fuck you, I’m Rihanna, that’s why. This is one of Rih’s simpler outfits, and it still manages to beat the crap out of others in terms of uniqueness. 

This livestream of red carpet moments has now ended, fam. Happy Grammys day, y’all!