Welp,  The Challenge Australia may have been banished to Ten’s elephant graveyard of television, but I’d already spent two hours on this recap and damned if I’m letting it disappear into the ether like that thing the bad guy in The Avengers does to people. NO! YOU WILL READ THIS RECAP. YOU WILL READ IT AND LOVE IT.

The drama is back in full force from the get-go because Emily is done with the fake fucks in this house. She walks in and everyone’s like ohhhh Emily congraaaats and she blanks them all and goes to make herself a sandwich with her last BFF, Grant.

the challenge australia
sandwiches over…. loserwiches

Emily isn’t an angel but she has a point here. Everyone was all “good wooooork Sugar” at the elimination round and no one congratulated Emily, but now the cameras are firmly on them they’re like “doll! Yay you’re still here!” Like just hate me all the time tysm.

The next day Ciarran’s girlfriend calls and is like, some rando has told me you cheated. They smooth things over which is wild because if I was her, I would have damaged his car in a REALLY specific way, so he didn’t realise until irreparable damage had been done. Or like, put a raw fish in his air vent like in Step Up 2. Crazy ex-girlfriend appreciation club founding member right here.

Everyone else is creating a challenge in the yard because apparently they want to increase the likelihood of breaking a bone in their body.

the challenge australia
“you know what I was missing, being pummelled with large objects that might give me a concussion”

When we head off to the real challenge for the day, it’s like Speed meets a babies’ playpen. It’s a ball pit inside a moving bus, where players have to recreate puzzles (again??? What is with the obsession with puzzles!) while also smacking their heads on metal walls. Anyone who has watched Yellowstone season 3 was absolutely triggered in that scene. I CAN’T SEE MOVING VEHICLES WITH PEOPLE TRAPPED IN THE BACK EVER AGAIN.

Also at some point the bus flies past a car that it doesn’t hit, but the car lights on fire anyway. Why? What purpose does this serve? I love it so much.

the challenge australia
“hey we’ve got $2k left over, let’s just make some shit explode”

Ciarran and Brooke Blurton win the challenge, which is good news for the Bachie crew. Conor and Kiki are going straight to elimination. In the chat, they all decide Marley and Emily need to go into elims too. Marley takes it really well – prediction here that if he makes it through elimination later, he’s a strong contender to win. He’s easy-going with everyone but also plays the game, just in a more subtle way than, say, Mrs. I-made-a-spreadsheet Emily.

Speaking of, the constant rejection of elimination is getting to her, and she has a good cry sesh in the toot with Grant.

the challenge australia
I love a good eavesdrop through the toot door

But still, she battles on. The elimination challenge is actually pretty good – it’s a giant maze with balls in it, but to move the balls the players have to stand on balance boards and work together to get them around the maze and free.

In the end Conor and Kiki take it out! They’re like “we just beat an Olympic athlete” which like, yes sure but also it wasn’t swimming and in that icy water yesterday Emily was like, on the other side as you guys just dipped your toesys in. But okay.

Off they go and out comes The Challenge Australia Beep Boop machine. It doesn’t really matter who is with who except that Brooke J and Troy are together, making them a perfect target for the Bachie alliance, and Megan scores Grant, the one everyone wants out.

On to the next ep!

Well Grant is in full Eeyore mode because all his friends have left him. Troy’s like, well this is the game. Which it is. But Grant is like:

The Challenge Recap: The Dry Humping Is Sadly Over For Konrad & Megan
no this is friendship island

Anyway who cares because there’s finally some fucking happening again! I feel like a seedy old dude with my obsession about the fucking, but come on – this show was sold to us as like a sexy Survivor, and so far it’s just been… Survivor. Except let’s call it The Challenge Australia. Tonight though Megan and Konrad are getting it on in the bunk beds again, and then I DIED because Kiki and someone walk in MID-BANG to be like “are you guys done yet I wanna go to bed”.

the challenge australia
guys it’s been five minutes how long can it possibly take

The next day Brooke and Brooke, who are now calling themselves The Brooke Club (love) wonder why they haven’t been targeted yet. Even though Brooke B is technically in the Bachie alliance, she isn’t now that the stakes are getting higher. She hasn’t bonded as much with the rest of the gang, so she’s kind of an outlier too.

Basically those most at risk rn are Troy, Grant, Brooke and Brooke.

The challenge is HELL ON EARTH. There’s an ice bath. They also have to scurry around in the sand like a little mole to get under a blockade, and then – you guessed it – do another fucking PUZZLE.

One player feels a hidden puzzle, the other looks at pieces, then they hop together into the ice bath to try and explain it all out. While also trying to to think about how their bits are getting gangrenous.

the challenge australia
okay I can’t talk about puzzles my dick is definitely frozen

In the end Troy and Brooke J win, which is bad news for Grant but great news for them. It’s even worse news for Grant because he and Megan end up in the elimination anyway, because they lose. This will make the selection interesting for their competitors.

It’s basically down to Brittany and Ciarran or Konrad and Kiki. No one seems to know who to drop into elimination and when Troy goes to chat it through with Ciarran and Konrad, Konrad’s giving the absolute most with this energy:

the challenge australia
brb disassociating

Meanwhile Grant is Eeyoring around the dance floor, lamenting the loss of all his mates.

the challenge australia
where is piglet

He calls his wife in the morning and she might be my new favourite person because she literally says “well, tough titties. Sometimes people won’t like ya!” Can someone put that on a t-shirt for me please?

Anyway, Brooke and Troy pick Ciarran and Brittany for the elimination. The challenge is essentially a human hamster wheel on either side of a big ball attached to ropes, and they have to run as a team to pull the ball to their end. Honestly whoever is making these games up is fucked in the head in the best way.

Ciarran and Brittany work as a team but Grant tells Megan to get the wheel going and then stop running, because he’s apparently faster than her. From the sidelines, Konrad tells us he’d be sad to see Megan leave because it’s nice having someone in the house to hang out with and… a small amount of vomit came out of my mouth here… BE INTIMATE WITH.

In the end the dry humping is over for Konrad and Megan because she loses the challenge with Grant. Brooke’s revenge face is everything:

the challenge australia
it’s me, hi, the one who “doesn’t want to be here” but is still here

Anyway sad about Megan, but this is a fitting episode set to finish recapping on since there will now be absolutely zero fucking and I was only here for the reality tv people boning in bunk beds. HOPE YOU LOVED, PALS. I’ll be back for some other show down the track, I’m sure.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.