In genuinely mind-boggling news, The Bachelors is almost over and there are still randoms who haven’t had their time in the sun yet or gone on any dates.
You see, the show can be likened to a funnel; at the start of the season, there is a large pool of women and the number slowly whittles down as The Bachelors progresses.
As one would expect, the gals who receive little airtime are always the first ones to scootle their bootles out of the mansion. Thoughts, feelings and commiserations.
But on this season of The Bachelors, we are on episode eight and there are several contestants whose names we literally don’t know because we haven’t seen their lovely faces for weeks. Some of them haven’t even gone on ANY KIND OF DATE THROUGHOUT THE SHOW’S DURATION.
I feel horrible saying this but I literally wouldn’t recognise them from a bar of soap. I’M SORRY.
But also the good people of Twitter agree with me, which is validating.
The first woman to (sort of) illicit a collective Snoop Dogg “WHO??” was Abigail. I admit that we have seen the sweet girl’s visage periodically throughout the season, but she has barely said two words since the first episode with that deeply iconic cat date. She is my queen and I have loved her since the moment I laid eyes on her.
However, apparently she is … British? And that’s why Felix took her on a high tea date? But no one knew she was from the UK because she has not spoken enough in eight episodes to make anyone realise that?
i totally knew abigail was british, she has absolutely spoken enough for me to know that she was british #TheBachelorsAU
— unsolicited aries opinions (@katiebitching) January 22, 2023
also this is the first time ive realised shes british ? #TheBachelorsAU
— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 22, 2023
felix: ive organised a british high tea to remind abigail of home
me: i dont understand how a british high tea relates to abigail: a woman who is now in the top 4. surely i wouldve seen enough of her by now to realise she is british. right? right?? #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 22, 2023
THIS IS THE TOP FOUR, CHANNEL 10. WHY DO WE KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT THESE WOMEN’S LIVES. OH MY GOD.
Anyway, the next woman on The Bachelors whose presence sadly bamboozled the internet was Courtney.
Why did no one recognise her, you ask? Why because Anko MGK hasn’t taken her on ANY kind of date! That’s right, people: zilcho dateo. I’m talking no one-on-one or date canoodles. I am genuinely shook to my fucking core right now that we are in finals week and there are women who haven’t been on ANY DATES YET, as is Twitter.
No wonder the poor girl was reading a book upside down in one episode. She’s probably bored as batshit.
wait, Jed has not taken this woman on ANY KIND OF DATE? the whole time she’s been there? did he fully just forget she was there, allowing her to skate through on the group date-only elimination rule? #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 22, 2023
Who is Jed on a date with rn, this is a brand new woman who I have never seen in my life #TheBachelorsAU
— Tegan Victoria (@teganvictoria) January 22, 2023
how are we in the final week basically and he hasn’t taken this woman on a single or group date yet???? what has she been DOING #TheBachelorsAU
— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) January 22, 2023
Who is Courtney tho #TheBachelorsAU
— Erin Christie (@ErinChristie2) January 22, 2023
Not to be dramatic because she seems absolutely lovely but I’ve never seen this woman before in my life. #TheBachelorsAu
— Eliza Barr (@ElizaJBarr) January 22, 2023
Courtney seems nice, for someone we’ve only just met #TheBachelorsAU
— Michelle 🐿💨 (@MichelleMackey1) January 22, 2023
Things went from bad to worse names-wise when the contestants suddenly appeared on the beach for a group date and a woman called Lou pulled Thomas aside for a private chat.
WHO. IS. LOU. I am not being funny when I tell you I have never seen this woman before in my entire life. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: how are we in finals week with literal randoms frolicking around?
As always, the internet agrees with me because I am a wise oracle who is always right.
who the actual fuck is this blonde woman talking to thomas rn i have never seen her before in my life #TheBachelorsAU
— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 22, 2023
Lou? Who?#TheBachelorsAU
— JulesA 🛵🛵 (@juleseadams) January 22, 2023
I am not at all convinced that Thomas knows this woman’s name #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 22, 2023
Who is this woman with Thomas rn, why don’t we know who half these women are so far into this season #TheBachelorsAU
— Tegan Victoria (@teganvictoria) January 22, 2023
I don’t think we’ve seen this blonde girl in Thomas’s group once this season #TheBachelorsAU
— Cara (@CLGreality9) January 22, 2023
Too 4? Isn’t there like 40 nameless girls still here? #TheBachelorsAU
— Brett Bowman (@ImBrettBowman) January 22, 2023
Anyway, lovely Lou now has to grapple with the fact that the only airtime she received was when she was friend-zoned on national television. On a group date. In finals week.
Not only were people confused about why we *still* have friendship-only contestants left, but they were shooketh that the producers made Lou endure the rose ceremony when, obviously, she was gonna be packing her bags. The cruelty, I tell you.
this show is so backwards how do we have platonic-connection people in the TOP FOUR? #TheBachelorsAU
— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 22, 2023
I can’t believe they made Lou turn up to this rose ceremony when Thomas had so clearly already broken up with her…? #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 22, 2023
Lou at the Rose Ceremony after the earlier conversation at the group date #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/SHNwdZrVWm
— Simone (@Sim_oneL) January 22, 2023
Me and the internet are done. Stick a fork in us both and put us out of our misery.
Also, pour one out for the poor contestants who have reached finals week without even as much as a throwback to their time at university. You will be freed from the mansion soon.
If you want a full rundown on tonight’s episode of The Bachelors (featuring an extremely bizarre cameo from Tash and deeply confusing song lyrics), you can read our recap here.
