It’s Sunday! I haven’t got a bra on! I’m considering pouring a glass of gin on the rocks which might not even be a real drink people consume! In short, it is meant to be the day of rest but instead we are all elevating our heart rates with reality tv drama c/o The Bachelors.

We open tonight’s episode with a bit more on why Tash is back. She says she missed Felix when she was outside the mansion, and regretted leaving. By which she means – she realised leaving so soon would not guarantee her a spot on Celebrity Apprentice, so she’d better come back ASAP to burn her face into our retinas.

the bachelors
I’ll NEVER let you forget about me

Jed is surprised to see her, naturally. Meditation Daddy and Seal-Felix are less enthused, although Jed doesn’t really give us much. It’s like an audiobook voice actor. “I just walked in and she was there! In a red dress!”

Anyway Med Daddy and Sealy are not vibing Tash being back, for obvious reasons like: she’s rude. She causes drama. She exposed Jas’ OnlyFans without permission. She clearly wants fame not Jed. But ol’ Kmart MGK does a C-grade job of acting to convince us that he’s emotionally torn about her being back and hasn’t already been told by producers to extend this scene for as long as possible, since the midway point of Bachie is always so borza.

In the end, surprisingly, Jed (the producers) decide to reject Tash on national TV instead of inflict her toxicity on the other cast for three more weeks. The scene lasted around fifteen minutes which was 13 minutes more than it needed to be, and yet here we are.

the bachelors
*counting down minutes left of this extended unnecessary conversation*

Anyway, off she goes. Will she randomly bust out of the drywall at the rose ceremony? Probably. But in the meantime, Sealy is caught prepping his flippers for his ocean escape.

the bachelors
gotta tone those flips for the treacherous ocean journey

Jk he’s about to go on a date with Abigail, who he says is one of the women he MOST wanted to bring into the mansion even though we all know he gave her the rose he stole off Jed because he MOST wanted to cover his huge faux pas in calling her a crazy cat lady.

the bachelors
remember this woman? No? Same

Have we seen Abigail this season? No. Does Sealy do a bang-up job of pretending he’s super interested in this woman whose name he almost certainly needs reminding of every 1.5 minutes? Yes.

Abigail is great, she’s funny and takes the piss out of herself and is so entirely NOT right for Felix it’s a waste of all our time watching them together.

Anyway the producers are working OVERTIME to convince us that Sealy the Fuckboy of Seaworld is actually a stand-up guy who has turned himself around within three episodes. He says NO sexist or superficial things with Abigail, but we remember, Bachelors producers. You can’t fool us. Would not shock me if he had an in-ear piece with someone feeding him conversational lines so as not to fuck it up.

the bachelors
“I’m falling for you, anne-marie”

Talk turns to Abigail’s cat who she says loves being around people all the time.

just loves people, this cat

Felix is working his fucking ass off with the reformed-man bullshit. He’s never had a conversation with a woman like this where after he has butterflies! He’s cracking his cold, dead fuckboy heart right open! He invites Abigail back to the Bachelor pad not to fuck, but to give her a tiny coat for her cat and let her FaceTime it!

It’s just so ridiculously out of character and also ridiculously sham-like to even pretend Abigail is a contender for the winner. She’s fab! She’s fun! She’s also like, not had airtime until this literal minute.

Anyway off for the most cringe date of ALL TIME! Worse than the chocolate bath! Worse than that one where Helena had to line up planets or something with Matt Agnew! It’s Jed making someone, whose name I legit can’t remember because again, we’ve never seen her in our lives before, WRITE A SONG WITH HIM.

the bachelors

There’s “to the depths of love’s ocean” and “stars with a whole bunch of circles” whatever that means. It is so bad. IT IS SO BAD. I wish I could rewind time to a point from before I saw this. I feel bad for both Jed and this woman because you can tell THEY also don’t want to write a corny love song on camera, either.

Then he ALSO kisses her! Truly the producers were like, our kiss ratio is low. Quickly, everyone pash.

that’s two for two!

Meanwhile, Thomas takes Gondoleah out on ANOTHER boat! You’re typecasting this woman, Med Daddy!

the bachelors
it’s giving “producers have given up”

She opens up about her past relationship and he ex cheating on her. She cries when producers ask what the Leah of 5 years ago looked like, emotionally. It is VERY clear this woman should not be on Bachelors, she should be in therapy with a really nice older lady who hugs you, and also easing back into normal dating not putting herself in the precarious position of being royally dumped on Australian television.

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Meditation Daddy KISSES HER TOO and I want to SCREAM because I can already tell he won’t pick Gondoleah and her heart is only just healing!!!! Be gentle with her!!!

Anyway he takes her back to the mansion and tells her he’s falling for her?!?!?! Mate I hope this guy is being legit coz I will be slashing some tyres if he breaks Gondoleah’s heart. I will SLASH.

Truly Meditation Daddy I will put fish inside your air conditioning system

Next up is a group date at the beach, which KMGK hates with the literal fire of a thousand suns. Bella wants time with Jed because she hasn’t kissed him and everyone else has. She corral’s him in some shrubbery and is pulling all the flicky flicky hair moves.

the bachelors
flicky flick, swishy swish, eyesy eyes

But no dice. She cops a kiss on the cheek which may as well be akin to a horse head in your bed or whatever that mafia Godfather reference is. She gooooone.

Meanwhile Sometimes-Lord/Saviour Krystal is back in my good books for describing her relationship with Sealy as “like when you have a crush on the hot guy in math class but you only get to see him once a week”. They go for a splish-splash in the water because, as we know, Sealy is preparing himself to soon escape his Bachelors prison and swim far, far away to freedom.

She wants a pash despite being the numero uno fangirl of the “no kissing on group dates” rule, and he reminds her of that. She’s off it. Over with Meditation Daddy, ANOTHER random lady we’ve never seen is hoping for time alone. She whisks him away and he leaves to go to the toot, which is certainly A Moment.

We’re calling her Hatsy because I cannot for the life of me remember her name. When he gets back she asks how he feels about her, and he goes on about connections and it all sounds positive…. but then he’s like PSYCH!! Those connections are just FRIENDLY ONES.

the bachelors
couldn’t you have just dumped me at the rose ceremony

She’s understandably MORTIFIED and tries to cover it by being Cool Girl. In the meantime, our other Cool Girl Bella has gotten pretty pissed on the bubbles and started asking Jed’s other ladies if they think he should pash her. Likely out of the supreme awkwardness of the entire thing, they’re like…. yes?

So she goes over and starts trying to CONVINCE HIM TO PASH HER.

the bachelors
“this isn’t the champers talking I just think this is a rly organic time to pash”

It’s actually so beyond awkward it becomes kind of problematic. Like, she’s a bit tipsy and being silly but you can see how uncomfortable Jed is with the relentless propositioning. We’d never be okay with this if it was a dude trying so hard to get a pash from a girl.

Thankfully she relents eventually. I was sure she would be booted for that deeply uncomfortable display of unwanted affection but no, at the rose ceremony it’s Hatsy that goes home, much to no one’s real surprise. I also spotted at least TWO other women I’ve never seen before and at this stage, that is wild you guys. How are there so many randoms this far in?

Anyway, tomorrow’s episode of The Bachelors is like, a dinner party with the additional stress of random roses being handed out. This show simply REFUSES to fuck spiders this year.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.