How many times have you invested in a friendship, only to find out they’re terrible human beings after a couple of drinks? Or, perhaps even worse, you form a bond with someone after sinking a few, only to discover later down the track that they’re the moistest wet blanket going ’round?
This is why it’s imperative to choose wisely when it comes to a good ol’ fashioned session, which can be the greatest experience since Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls premiered.
Alternatively, it can be the Jeff Sessions of sessions – dull, tired and about as fun as Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosting the Oscars. Now, that’s not to say these types of people should be ruled out completely, everyone can have a bad day and that’s understandable. Just make sure to exercise caution when you invite any of the below.
Some people are just not gifted storytellers. Fine, okay. What can ya do? What’s insufferable though is when everyone’s having a grand old time, and this one joker pulls you aside to give you the entire backstory of their choice in colour shadings for their living room. It’s maroon. You painted your wall maroon.
The Tortured Soul
Who doesn’t love a good D&M? You get traumatic experiences off your chest, have a solid cry, perhaps even form a deeper bond or two. But there’s a time and a place. More specifically, after 12am and in an area with less than four people. Sort it out.
It’s a common problem that’s threatening the friendships of thousands (perhaps millions, too close to call). It’s the leading cause of tension since Pokémon trading cards tore families apart back in ’98. Everyone’s gearing up for a night filled with shenanigans when one mate decides to rock up with nothing but the clothes on their back and a sheepish smirk. Don’t fret, there’s enough Coopers to go around, surely? Spare snags are in abundance, right? Wrong. There’s never enough.
The ‘We’ Machine
Couples are cool. They let you third wheel, they give spectacular (if occasionally unsolicited) advice and they can cook up a storm. The wheels start to fall off when you’re faced with the uphill battle of having a proper conversation between three individuals, only to be faced with a tirade of ‘We’ in response to literally every question ever.
“Did you end up getting the promotion at work?”
“We just missed out actually, apparently we don’t even work there anymore haha.”
The post-session blues can be bearable if a pal crashes the night and you can sloth about together the following day. If you’re doing nothing with someone, you’re doing something. That’s just common knowledge. When the pal is still there while you start your Sunday night routine of self-loathing and sadness, that’s when it becomes problematic. Subtlety holds no power in this situation so simply threaten legal action and get them the hell out of there.
It doesn’t matter what the problem may be, this pain in the ass believes they can genuinely solve anything. Problem with your computer? Ah yeah, no worries, this guy had a computer once when he was younger, he’ll have it fixed in a heartbeat. Wife in hospital? Mate, this guy watches so much Grey’s Anatomy he could basically run the joint. He’ll take a look at ‘er. Stocks crashed and your house is going into foreclosure? Don’t stress, he knows the market like the back of his hand. You’ll bounce back and probably double your investments in three to four months. No sweat.
The Dead Guy
If someone goes to bed before 10pm, that’s a paddlin’. Do you know how hard it is to sink a frothy with someone who’s fast asleep? Well, it’s not impossible, but it’s a mission. This isn’t Weekend at Bernie’s.