The Oscars Swag Bags Are Here And As Per Usual They’re Absolutely Batshit

As someone who enjoys the finer things of life but has literally no money ever, due to my complete inability to live like a normal, responsible human being (read: I can’t stop ordering UberEats. How does one stop ordering UberEats), there is nothing that thrills me more during Awards Season than a little voyeuristic squiz at the swag bags.

Technically, they’re not official Oscars swag bags. The Oscars will not allow it – in fact, according to Page Six they actually sued a company for trying to use the term “Oscar” in its celeb giveaways. So instead, LA-based company Distinctive Assets (who also did the Grammys swag bags) are coining theirs “Everyone Wins” bags, which sounds shit but what are ya gonna do.

Anyway. The free shit. We’ve got free trips to Tanzania, Hawaii and Greece.

We’ve got something terrifying that’s called a “gum rejuvenation” dental procedure. I never thought about my gums needing rejuvenating. Should I be considering this? Wow, my gums are quite large. I’ve never noticed before.

There’s also sessions with a celebrity trainer, a “conflict-free” diamond necklace as well as some other jewellery, and a 24K gold facial.

Then there’s some really weird shit. Locally grown oranges. Yeah, ok. Jarritos soda. And my personal favourite, an “18-minute phobia-relief session.”

GIVE ME THAT PHOBIA RELIEF. SOMEONE CURE ME OF TRYPOPHOBIA.

You know what is really nice though, is each celeb gets a $10,000 donation to the animal shelter of their choice. NICE WORK!

Now someone cast me in a movie so I can be the next Margot Robbie.

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