I’ve said it before and I’ll damn well say it again: the expectations for our nation’s first iteration of the Real Housewives franchise were exceedingly low. Don’t get me wrong, Melbourne as a city has got a good thing going, but in no way does it have a ~glitz ‘n glam~, semi-incestuous social hierarchy that could rival that of Beverly Hills (or, to be frank, even fucking Potomac).
What we all failed to factor in, however, was that every Australian – no matter how wealthy or seemingly polished they may be – is a massive bogan at heart, ay. And that, fellow consumers of mind-numbingly entertaining television, is a bloody pearla / absolute rippa of a thing.
So alas, the Real Housewives of Melbourne have set the bar high. So high, in fact, that certain cast members could even be forever immortalised in the annals of Real Housewives legend with the likes of Lisa Vanderpump, Teresa Giudice, Bethenny Frankel, NeNe Leakes, Ramona ‘Turtle Time’ Singer, and in this man’s opinion, pre-divorce mega bitch / post-divorce deadset legend Camille Grammer. I mean, if I were entering into the Sydney arm of the franchise (a boy can dream), I’d be crapping myself like I’d just eaten fortnight-old Thai green chicken curry because of Melbourne’s success.
Yes, the Real Housewives of Sydney have huge botox injections to fill, and last night we got our first insight into whether their disappearing frown lines might be able to justify a second season.
To begin with, we’re treated to the juicy shit – the crap we’re all here for. The clashes of the middle-aged titans.
That’s the good shit. One would even argue that a wine throw, a mainstay of the franchise, is almost necessary for long-term success. Things are looking good for these women.
Wet with anticipation, we see soon-to-be-introduced Victoria Rees and Krissy Marsh driving along winding costal roads. Victoria starts questioning whether Coogee falls within the Eastern Suburbs, and the collective eye-roll of every person in NSW is deafening. Like, perish the fucking thought that you’ve gotta drive 10 minutes from Bondi all the way to Coogee in a bloody Porsche.
Before you know it, we’re thrown from the show’s regular format into those gross, awkwardly staged intro segments first episodes are known for.
“WHEN YOU’RE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SKIN, YOU GET UNDER SOMEONE ELSE’S.”
Krissy Marsh is first up on the chopping block, and her initial background explanation is broken up with a cringe, “how often do you really do this?” fishing session with her son and two dogs Bondi and Bronte. My internal jury’s out on whether they’re fantastic pooch names, or if they warrant an “oh, honey”. She explains she’s had a successful career in real estate / modelling, and has just returned to Sydney’s Double Bay from a massage-based hiatus in Shanghai for the past two years.
She’s the first one to make a cock-up on camera, getting herself into a verbal “cum-I-mean-come” tailspin about her husband making her lemon drink. Will her mouth be an ongoing troublemaker?
We get back to Krissy and Victoria’s drinks at Coogee Pav where Victoria goes into way to much detail to the waiter about how they’d like their Skinny Bitches made. Like, babe, he knows what he’s doing. Given the clientele, Skinny Bitches are pretty much all they serve at Coogee Pav anyway. Krissy makes a comment about Victoria’s need for a “big swinging dick” and it’s all very naughty and fun.
hehehehe we’re so naughty hehehe can’t believe u just said dick in public hehehe
“MY POINT OF VIEW ISN’T THE ONLY ONE, BUT IT’S CLEARLY THE BEST.”
The show’s producers would’ve been foaming at the mouth upon discovering that Victoria and Krissy are legit, we-pee-in-front-of-each-other-naked friends due to their kids going to school together. Then again, I remember the friends my mum made through my primary school, and they were all massive cunts. So, who knows if it’s a legit relationship? Only time will tell.
Now balls-deep in Victoria’s background, she makes the truly ridiculous statement that Bondi’s a “relaxed community”. Like, seriously? Not to ruffle the feathers of all you beach dwellers, but when I’m in Bondi, I feel the urgent need to develop an eating disorder.
Victoria: is old money, gets her hair did a lot, occasionally drinks vodka for dinner (YASSSS KWEEN), has real boobs, had one of her BFFLs bang her first hubby while she was downstairs, has given Brett Whiteley a lot of cash over the years (those pieces are fucking worth whatever she’s dropped on ’em, tbh) and has a fuck-tonne of Birkins.
The first real snipe of the season takes place when Krissy raises Nicole O’Neil, with Victoria saying she’s heard Nicole’s “spoilt, spoilt, spoilt”. RE-OW. Then, the most long-winded attempt to form a connection between one housewife and another takes place. Low and behold, Krissy’s sister’s husband and Nicole’s father are cousins. Jesus Christ, guys. Then Krissy gets on to describing Nicole’s Miss World days, recounting how good she looked after starving herself for several days. #Inspiring.
Another cut-sequence starts. God help us all.
“BEAUTY QUEENS CAN MORE THAN HANDLE DRAMA QUEENS.”
Bellevue Hill resident Nicole O’Neil was crowned Miss Australia in 2002. If it were based on looks alone, Nicole’s 110% deserving – what a fucking BABE. She’s just moved back from London and doesn’t make any issues with the fact she was raised in the lap of luxury in Sydney’s East. Remarkably, Nicole hasn’t had any staff for the past few years, but suggested she might need some soon. Anyone looking for a job?
Victoria, just like all of us, is taken aback when Nicole starts banging on about how much she loves flying + how she takes her kids ALL the way down to economy so they can check their privilege and such.
wot the fck u talking about Nicole?
The conversation moves to Nicole’s homecoming party and it’s revealed that Lisa Oldfield – a yet to be revealed wife – will be in attendance. BOOM, just like clockwork, Victoria gets her second dig of the season in, saying she’s heard Lisa’s a “bit of a loose cannon”. Shortly after, Victoria’s quick to address the elephant in marble-floored parlour room: Lisa’s marriage to David Oldfield, co-founder of One Nation and alleged banger of Miss Pauline Hanson.
Look, regardless of whether it was coerced by producers or if Victoria genuinely wanted the scoop, good on her for copping that. Had it not been raised, there would’ve been a lot of angry viewers – myself included – by the episode’s close.
Victoria, obviously on a roll by now, calls yet-to-be-introduced housewife AthenaX Levendi “Jatz Crackers” when Nicole says she’ll also be attending the party.
“MY LIPS MAY BE FAKE BUT THEY ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH.”
After an ad break, we’re magically transported to Matty Samaei‘s clinic, Medispa By Matty. By this stage, it’s almost as if the producers have given up and trying to form a connection as to how we got here, so they just fang us straight into Matty’s background sequence.
Matty’s self-made, fiery and adds a real multi-cultural / god-loving spunk to the cast. I’m really digging her accent ‘cos it accentuates everyone else’s varying degree of Aussie-ness. You’ve gotta wonder whether it’s made thicker because of her lips though, right? Like, they’re pretty fucking big, even for this show’s standards.
Matty’s ‘Biggest Lips’ mantle is swiftly stolen from her by her very own PR Agent, Shiralee. Yes, Shiralee, which I imagine you pronounce by adopting Jodie Foster‘s accent and saying “Sarah Lee”.
wash urh favorhite treatmernt, Matteh?
“BRAINS AND BEAUTY ARE MY WEAPONS OF CHOICE.”
Well, would you look at that – Lisa’s appeared in Matty’s clinic! And she’s made soaps from her previous lipo!
For me, Lisa’s introduction / background was much anticipated (good hustle on advertising her right, Foxtel). Does it disappoint? Hell to the fuck no.
yeeee, I’ll fkn shoot ya cunt
Yes, she’s a bonafide hard-ass and can shoot a gun like a Texan – not too mention being hugely successful in her own right as a business woman in IT. I think we can all agree perceptions of her would be entirely different if she was just riding of the curtails of the husband’s infamy, right?
WRITER’S NOTE: Victoria Peck-ham and Whitney Houst-hen as chicken names? I can’t even. That’s some quality, family-friendly fucking fun right there.
There’s obviously going to be two camps when it comes to Lisa – those that can’t get enough, and those that think she’s way too much. The way she disciplines her kids (“pat her or I’ll give you a smack”) will get a few people off-side, but her willingness to drop the C-bomb at David during a cutscene has won this viewer over.
Lisa, seemingly on a complete whim, gives Nicole a buzz. Nicole drops that Victoria was talking smack about AthenaX, as well as questioned David’s alleged sexual history with Hanson – a bold move on Nicole’s part.
By this stage, the history between David and Pauline has been dredged up so much that Lisa needed to address it, saying that Pauline used the scandal to sell copies of her books. Lisa doesn’t care if David had gone for that ginger minge because it was before they were married. She finishes by remarking that Victoria sounds like a bitch. Gotta love that brewing animosity.
“THE ATHENAX OF TODAY TOOK LIFETIMES TO CREATE.”
FINALLY, we discover what the fucking deal with the ‘X’ is AthenaX’s name is. Is it just because she signs off text messages with an “X” so much that she became known for it? Is she a living, breathing, walking ‘n talking treasure map? No, unfortunately (but how good would that have been?!). It’s just the first letter of her maiden name. FYI, babe, hyphenating’s always an option.
She works for the fam’s business, Levendi Jewellers – so you know she’s on a good wicket financially.
I can’t speak for everyone, but as more and more of her background is given, I couldn’t help but agree with Victoria’s “Jatz Crackers” statement. AthenaX is a bit of a fruit loop (the whole 80% vegan thing… Like, c’mon?!), which should make for some quality viewing down the line.
Then we get into the spirituality hoo-ha. Admittedly, I tapped out here. She’s got a knack for linking literally ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth to her ~cosmic connections~.
“THE HARDEST ROLE I’VE EVER PLAYED IS JUST BEING ME.”
30 minutes into the episode (poor thing), Melissa Tkautz is introduced. The producers have literally given up trying to find a connection between her and the other women. The E Street / Read My Lips star is Sydney incarnate. Word on the street has it that she’s a real icon of the city – but for the time being, she’s giving off pleasant, Switzerland vibes.
The next few minutes are essentially Victoria rehashing all the digs she’s made thus far through the episode to her hairdresser, which would be nice for anyone who’d accidentally zoned out. It seems like Victoria has zero issue with gossip-mongering, and that’s going to be fab for us folks watching at home.
We’re then taken to AthenaX’s house where she’s getting ready and blowing smoke up her own ass about how well she dresses. Just as we’re all um’ing and ah’ing, thinking that gold dress isn’t THAT bad, she goes and produces the fucking net.
WHAT ARE THOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Like, come on. Anyone who’s sane enough to walk amongst the public everyday can deduce that that net is undeniably fugly and ridiculous. Her look belongs on World’s Deadliest Catch, and World’s Deadliest Catch alone.
Anyway, Nicole’s getting shit sorted and paid for over at The Rocks‘ Cruise Bar and Lisa / Matty are getting picked up by Fisherman’s Friend. They, just like all of us, are quick to point out how stupid she looks. Amen, sisters.
Lisa raises what “older lady” Victoria’s been saying. Sensing her dislike, AthenaX comes out swinging, saying how she’s been told that Victoria was allegedly a tubby kid (just like the rest of us). Much to everyone’s surprise, AthenaX isn’t phased that old mate’s called her cray-cray. In fact, she’s glad she’s considered to be a cooker, arguing that normal’s bleh. Look, I’m with her on that one – no one wants to be too much of a sheep. Then again, I’m not jumping at the idea of being as whack as her.
Back to the party: Nicole’s found some mates who share the broader public’s view of AthenaX’s get up.
Poor Melissa, seemingly dejected from the other women, enters looking chic as shit a fair whack after the others have arrived (the rest of them got there when the sun was still up).
Krissy, observing Melissa and AthenaX’s friendship, questions how they know each other before saying, “you’ve caught her in the net”. Finally, someone’s broached the goddamn thing. Thanks Krissy you good thing.
With the group now in its entirety, Victoria notes the diversity of all the women. Krissy, perhaps a lil’ pissed by this stage, keeps those balls at work, commenting on AthenaX’s Greek heritage – using a very stereotypical accent to do so.
u fkn wot, mate?
AthenaX goes on to say how her grandparents migrated to Athens, and Krissy can’t help herself – “so you’re not even Greek?”. Somehow, AthenaX takes the dig and somehow turns it back to her spirituality (give us a fucking BREAK woman).
She then sees a beautiful soul in Nicole and says “I give you namaste”. For me, saying “I give you namaste” doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’m happy to admit I’m probably wrong, but whatever. That shit doesn’t sound right.
Anyway, surprise-surprise, Krissy and Victoria don’t seem to have had much of an exposure to Eastern spirituality, prompting them to ask if a namaste is a type of bread or hummus.
Now shit’s starting to get real, and the vulgarity / sentiment of the housewives’ cutscenes is getting nastier. Just while it’s getting juicy, Nicole’s gotta come in and ramble on about coming home. Just because you’re a beauty queen doesn’t mean you’re a homecoming queen too, babe. Then Lisa jumps in to echo Nicole’s love for herself, which is going smoothly until Krissy tries to chime in. Lisa, very surprisingly, whips out her unbeknownst Star Wars knowledge to take her down a notch.
Victoria and Krissy excuse themselves to a quiet corner to figure out what’s just gone on, and the whole conversation is magical. It’s becoming apparent by this stage that they’re both kinda borderline bitchy just for the fun of it, which is something I can totally get around.
As luck would have it, Krissy and AthenaX end up in the exact position they were in when the first round of the evening’s drama started going down (nice hustle, producers). Unlike before, however, shit’s starting to steadily escalate beyond catty – with words like “condescending” being thrown around. If I were Krissy, I’d be throwing my heels off and running for the hills in case the absolute nutter started fucking with my chakras or something.
Victoria, either running to the defence of her mate who was starting to cop it, or just to prey on an easy target like AthenaX, goes for it. She’s dropping bombs like how her spirituality is “a bit much”, left right and centre. It’s a glorious sight to behold, and she’s genuinely enjoying herself.
ur a fkn cooker, mate
Matty, who’s been relatively quiet the whole evening, has either had her face completely frozen by a new treatment, or is genuinely SHOOK.
Perhaps thinking that it was unfair that now two women were coming after AthenaX, Lisa comes in to break it up. She reveals that she knows what Victoria’s been saying about her husband to throw her footing off, before sweeping up Athena X and bailing. Nicole owns up to passing along Victoria’s “Jatz Crackers” statement / the jabs about Hanson to the other women, and Victoria’s PISSED.
Matty, god bless her soul, finally speaks – recalling how they were having digs at her Victoria’s childhood weight. Being an angelic Persian princess and all, Matty isn’t about women bringing other women down. Krissy then ducks between saying how women shouldn’t be commenting on other women’s weight, and that it didn’t matter if Victoria had put on a few kgs recently. Sure, if she said it once, whatever – but she squeezed in a few remarks there, regardless of whether there was malice behind them or not. Maybe Lisa’s Chewbacca statement has legs?
Lisa and AthenaX return to an icy reception. Matty quickly explains that she’s repeated the weight comments from the car and AthenaX bangs on about how much she’d back-stabbed her (*rolls eyes*). Krissy, in true fashion, goes off at her with a renewed confidence – now that AthenaX has arguably done something legit wrong, she’s really going for it.
Namaste goes out the fucking window and AthenaX tells Krissy to back the fuck down. Yeah, peace and tranquility my asshole. Then, she takes aim at Victoria, and goes guns’a’blazing:
Once again, Matty (just like the rest of us) literally can’t even:
Like, Athena’s going full HAM right now. Even though shit’s getting real, it’s not getting THAT real. She’s lost her fucking nut and Krissy isn’t having a bar of it.
UGH, KRISSY, I DIE. THAT’S SOME FUCKING ICONIC SHIT RIGHT THERE.
Anyway, Nicole calls in the hostess card and asks for a ceasefire – pointing out that the women’s behaviour was a reflection of how they were raised. Yes, Nicole, we get it. You have money. 10 points to Gryffindor etc.
To solidify their peace agreement, and to demonstrate her effort to engage in an effort of friendship with AthenaX, Victoria request that she tries on the stupid fucking net. It all seemed like sunshine and rainbows until something weird happened – Victoria was still being quite hostile to Athena. I wrote it off as just a bit of residual adrenaline floating around, but then the shit-to-end-all-shit went down.
THE SAVAGERY. THE SHADE, HONEY. I LIVEEEEEEE.
The other housewives’ reactions are television gold.
Best of all, Krissy and Victoria go off around the corner laughing like two schoolgirls who’ve just set fire to someone’s locker.
hehehe lol at that bitch hehehe she sucks hehehe hope it don’t kill a dolphin hehehe
Fuck me sideways, fam. All-in-all, that was an explosive start to the season. Thankfully, we can all rest easy knowing that the Real Housewives of Sydney will be just as good, if not better, than Melbourne.
You can catch the ladies on Foxtel’s Arena every Sunday at 8:30PM.