Read Conan O’Brien’s Leaked Opening Monologue

Conan O’Brien’s late night return airs tonight at 11:30pm on GEM. But if you can’t wait to see Goofy McCarrot-Top grace your screens again, the transcript of O’Brien’s opening monologue has just leaked online. I’ve read it because I have no problem with laughing at things twice and let me say, dude’s still got it. Still, can’t wait to see how much heat he puts in the delivery. Also cant wait to see if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog makes an appearance. Oh, and how will Andy Richter fit in? And how’s the band gonna vibe without Max? How are Jack White and Conan friends in the first place? So many questions…Welcome back Coco.

“Thank you. Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.

Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”

Welcome to my new show, “Conan.” People ask me why I named the show “Conan.” I did it so I’d be harder to replace.

This is an exciting night. I’m glad to be on cable. The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

And things are going well already. I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO.

I’m going to be honest: It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that’s why I left NBC.

But the weird thing is this: I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight. So I get this job at eleven. Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight. In fact, it’s 12:05.

A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke. But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.”