Porn bots. Always the first to comment on our Instagram posts, always full of mystery, and a lot of the time, very creative with their requests. However, who (or what) has the most Louvre-worthy comment of them all?

First of all, you’re probably thinking, what on Earth is a porn bot, what do they want with my money, and why are they apparently waiting for me in my bed??

Well, take a look at any Instagram post from a verified account, and you’ll probably see a bunch of thirsty messages from some very suss accounts. For instance, “Is there a woman who is prettier than me?” is a comment that we see with alarming regularity.

Click through to the account, and you’ll discover that this isn’t actually a real woman, but a bot! Full of porn! Hellbent on getting you to click! Hence, the term porn bot is best used to describe these digital succubi.

I decided to scour through our Insta posts to find all of these porn bots and their comments, so I could rank them from least to most creative. Honestly, some of these gems would make even me click.

14. Miss (Totally Not A  Porn Bot) Heart Eyes

Really not that creative, you’d almost be deceived into thinking she was a normal commenter. Huge points for deception, but none for creativity.

13. Miss Bitcoin Trader U.S.A.

Alright, let’s get this one out of the way early. She’s not technically a porn bot. She’s a Bitcoin bot (which is arguably worse). However, she makes the cut because “joy all over me” simply reeks of horny energy. Also, who is she talking about?

12. Miss Rebecca Returns

Rebecca is back again, but this time she’s diversified her emojis of choice. Points for mixing it up bb, get that bag.

11. Miss Roasted 7027

Shout out to this account for simply roasting Miss Hellena over here. I mean, if you’re gonna ask people to tag someone else prettier than you, it doesn’t really sound like you’re selling yourself well, does it? Come on Hellena, you can do so much better.

10. Is There?

This one sounds more provocative, like, I DARE you to find someone hotter than me. Still not crazy creative, but I admire her drive.

9. Literally Priyanka Chopra

Priyanka Chopra Porn Bot

Huge points for using an image of Priyanka Chopra and trying to get away with it. Also, this comment has a few more emojis, and I love how she is going the extra mile to lure in wallets.

8. Miss Barretta

This one is pretty open, and she’s even giving you the choice of what to do in the room with her. Play checkers? Wii Sports? Read a novel? She seems like a nice and normal woman of the lord, looking for companionship. Not at all a porn bot.

7. Miss Riddle Me This

God this comment has made me question everything. It’s like the last riddle you hear before entering a secret labyrinth à la The Neverending Story. Is it true? Who are the many people? Why must you taunt me so?

6. Miss Home Invasion

Call the cops.

5. Miss Thrick

Honestly, love this comment, but points reduced for ‘thrick’. Actually, I kind of love thrick as a word, so she can stay.

4. M I S S  M A S T U R B A T E

The spaces between every letter are an instant turn-off. Punctuation before penetration, as I always say.

3. Miss Hellena 2: Electric Boogaloo

After being absolutely destroyed by one of our human commenters, Miss Hellena went back into the workshop to design this godly comment. She knows what she wants and she is going to take it goddammit.

2. I…

Look I don’t want to dive into this one too much, there’s a lot going on here. I simply love the fed up emoji at the end though, like, “Is this what you want to hear? Damn, click already.”

1. Miss Porn Bot Australia 2o2o

Meiliana Porn Bot

And our winner is Miss Meiliana with her absolute godsend of a comment. The eggplant emojis are an eye-catching touch, and the use of “13cm” makes you wonder if she’s really talking about height. Congratulations, Miss Meiliana, for most creative porn bot comment of 2020.

So why, exactly, are porn bots currently spamming every Instagram page? Two answers for you: porn subscriptions, and pyramid schemes.”

Behind these dubious comments are essentially bot networks spreading spam for a whole array of dubious intentions. Think of it like a classic Bond villain using ‘seductive’ women to lure in men, except these women aren’t actually real, and are sometimes just pictures of Priyanka Chopra.

If you click all the way through, which one brave soul from Vice once did, you end up discovering at the end of the trail is either a request to sign up for a paid porn service or a ludicrous pyramid scheme. Either way, your money is what they’re after, not your “long and thrick” as they so eloquently put it.

Simpsons Porn Bot
This scene predicted porn bot advertising.

Insta bots also run scam offers to get you that coveted blue checkmark (don’t believe the scam! run!), or sometimes spam you with ‘follow-for-follow-back’ comments. Be warned: they will never follow you back.

Celebrities and media platforms are where you can often find porn bots running wild, it’s kind of like their natural habitat. Comments can range from simple kissy face emojis, to “DON’T look at my STORY if you don’t wanna MASTURBATE!”

Truly, these things are works of pure digital art. My hat is tipped to the randos sitting behind a computer a million miles away who came up with them.

Image: Getty Images / Andrii Zastrozhnov