One thing I certainly wasn’t anticipating to see in this whole strange-ass timeline of self-isolation, global shutdown, and all the other absolute shit that 2020 is throwing at us/the fan, was a return of Pete Evans with another completely fucking wild scheme. This time it’s an absolutely bonkers ~energy machine~ thing.

When he advocated for people to get outside and stare directly into the sun I thought, “well, this is the peak of his unhinged existence.”

Oh my God, how wrong I was. How utterly way off the mark.

Because now, Pete Evans, former lord of My Kitchen Rules and probably why your parents suddenly got into a paleo diet a couple of years ago, is flogging something called a “BioCharger”.

It looks like a rainbow blender. What in the ever-loving fuck is THIS:

Pete Evans BioCharger
????????

Ripped straight from the site, apparently this thing does…this.

“The BioCharger NG is a hybrid subtle energy revitalisation platform. Four transmitted energies stimulate and invigorate the entire body to optimise and improve potential health, wellness, and athletic performance. The BioCharger NG is completely non-invasive, and has proven to restore strength, stamina, coordination and mental clarity.”

Sorry, what? That is just words. You are just saying some words that, when mashed together in this haphazard word salad, makes you sound kinda smart but in reality mean absolutely piss-all. “Energy revitalisation platform”? What? What???

Also, it’s “proven” to do all those things? What? When? Who proved this? Who sat down with this rejected nightclub disco light and walked away like “wow, I feel stronger, everything seems clearer, this thing has changed my life”? There are so many unanswered questions here and just an incredible amount of phenomenally vague information.

So how does it work? Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s so bloody obvious I can’t believe you can’t see how this works.

For those of you who can’t clearly see how this ~thing~ works, here’s a handy guide:

It’s so simple.

You sit around it and let the ENERGIES from the machine charge you up or whatever.

And this here contraption is being peddled by a man who vehemently believes that wifi is bad for you. And sunscreen. Oh, and the fluoride in the tap water is cooking our brains.

This mans, Pete Evans, who has publicly come out to talk about how electromagnetic fields (EMF) are “causing issues for a lot of people” is now trying to sell you a pulsed electromagnetic field (PEMF) therapy device. The mind, it boggles.

Anyway, you can do it with friends:

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It works on something called “cellular voltage”, which is claimed to change things at a cellular level in your body, or something like that.

The BioCharger’s site claims that “when optimal cellular voltage and function are achieved, our cells take in nutrients more effectively, detoxify, and generate new and healthy cells” and I think blacked out about halfway through reading that. How much time have I lost here? What’s going on? Fuck me, what batshit world have I woken up to this morning.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO SIT ANYWHERE NEAR THIS

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⚡️ ???????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????? ⚡️ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ According to the CDC, 45% of Americans have at least one form of chronic disease, which is the leading cause of death in the United States. Scientific and medical studies have shown that nutrition and exercise are two key factors for optimal health. The third important factor that is often overlooked is ???????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????. Our bodies are designed to recover and heal through regeneration, or the making of new, healthy cells. When these three factors are present, optimal cellular function is achieved; healthy cells equal a healthy body. Chronic disease can only occur when you lose the ability to make new cells that work correctly. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The sources for the vital voltage that our bodies need do exist in nature, (i.e. sun, lightning strikes, earth’s magnetic fields, cosmic rays), but unfortunately, we don’t spend enough time outside to expose ourselves to these natural energies. The BioCharger is the only system that simultaneously replicates 4 types of these natural energies (PEMF, light, frequencies/harmonics, and high voltage) allowing our bodies to passively absorb them in a 15-minute session. When optimal cellular voltage and function are achieved, our cells take in nutrients more effectively, detoxify, and generate new and healthy cells. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The BioCharger library contains hundreds of recipes that are written specifically to help improve things like: energy levels, mental focus, better sleep, and accelerated recovery times. Just sit comfortably in front of the BioCharger and select a frequency recipe from the menu. Now sit back and relax for 12-15 minutes and allow your body to be bathed in the 4 energy types. It is non-invasive, and groups of up to 6 people can sit around it together to get recharged. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When your cellphone battery starts to drain, you recharge it, so why not do the same for your body?????

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Recipes? What?! I feel like I’m Jacobim Mugatu in ‘Zoolander’ when he’s exasperatedly explaining that Derek only has one look.

The absolute kicker of this whole T H I N G is the price tag.

It took a few clicks and a bit of a website maze (who would have thought anything about this fucking ridiculous thing would get buried in a website, hey) but I found the price.

You too can have one of these machines that absolutely won’t give you brain cancer or something of that ilk for a very tide price of $14,990.

Fifteen. Thousand. Dollars.

Oh, wait, sorry, if you punch PeteE500 at checkout you get 500 bucks off. What a bargain.

I truly have no more words about this bonkers contraption, so please enjoy a series of pictures of people using the bloody thing and please tell me this is some elaborate ruse.

WHAT

IS

FUCKING

GOING

ON????

Sorry, I need to log off and lie down forever now. I’m out.