On this, the most favoured of all pop-culture related pun-days that simultaneously pokes fun at lisps, we take the time to reflect on those who have come before us and to learn from those most terrible of wars.
The Star Wars.
How did it happen that May the 4th became a day of celebration, costume and media watching? Well…
The Big Bang (approx. 13.798 ± 0.037 billion years ago)
Homer: Kamboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.
Marge: Homer, there’s no point in pretending you’re making those noises. Your universe is exploding again.
Homer: What’s that, dear? Kablamo!
Marge: You made a little money, and had the fun of being a wanted criminal; why not give it up, while you’re ahead?
Homer: Boom.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
The Pre-Republic Era (—25,053 BBY)
Early species in the galaxy came into being (Columi, Kiliks, Rakata etcetera), eventually they developed interstellar travels and then went on to invent A.I and the hyperdrive (leading the era to also be known as the Early Hyperspace Age). Which made visiting bros in other worlds a total breeze.
The Old Republic era (25,053 – 1,000 BBY)
This age is marked by the founding of The Galactic Republic (which is made up of representatives from several hundred thousand worlds) and a sithload of major religious and civil wars.
Generally though, the Jedi Order is being super chill, just defending order in the Republic. The Sith Order are gaining power; not unlike The Blob (of ‘RUN! DON’T WALK FROM’ fame), they were ever-expanding and mercilessly smearing their blobs on whoever dared stand in their path. Like, oh.my.glob.
The Rise of the Empire (1,000 – 0 BBY)
The Republic and Senate are trotting along nicely, albeit a tad corruption heavy, until The Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, sneakysneaky’d his way into the position of Supreme Chancellor as Senator Palpatine (or Pope John Paul II) and began the Clone Wars. Which, according to him, were supposed to make everything shiny again but actually were just an attempted Jedi Jenocide.
TL;DR Siths versus Jedis. The Siths won.
The Galactic Republic has been replaced with an evil Galactic Empire… when suddenly!… *rising crescendo*
Singing the song of angry men?
It is the music of the people
Who will not be slaves again!
Resistance spreads across the galaxy and the Rebellion begins to fight back, thus the Galactic Civil War begins. Eventually The Emperor is killed, the Death Star destroyed and the Rebels claim victory.
“The Force will be with you. Always.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
Post-rebellion celebrations on the forest moon of Endor. Re: Solo – what a piece of hunk! 
The New Republic (4 ABY – 25 ABY)
After defeating the naughty Empire at the Battle of Endor, the Rebel Alliance must take off their Rebel Hats and put on their serious Running A Galactic Government Hats.
Luke Skywalker, now an actual endangered species, begins to rebuild the Jedi Order. Issues with insurrections, Imperial loyalists, wayward warlords and some good times ensue.
The New Jedi Order (25 – 37 ABY)
The Jedi Knights are growing once more and the New Republic has signed a peace treaty with the remaining Empire dregs. Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
When suddenly: ALIENS!
Alien invasion from beyond known space!
Works out okay though.
Legacy (40 – 138 ABY)
Galactic Alliance is at peace (kind of, sort of…) but the Dark Side is still kicking around somewhere. When suddenly… there’s a new Empire under a resurrected Sith Order and another Skywalker has to fight them off. LOL.
SCENE MISSING (138 – 1913 ABY)
A long time ago in a galaxy called ‘The Milky Way’…
George Walton Lucas, Jr. is born (1944 ABY)
IV: A New Hope (1977 ABY)
G.W Lucas makes a film chronicling the time during The Rise of the Empire. It is a good film.
A New Day is Born (1979 ABY)
On the day Maggs Thatcher is elected Prime Minister her Conservation Party took out an ad in the London Evening News that read “May the Fourth be with you, Maggie. Congratulations.”
It’s print official!
V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Another film is made. It is a good film.
VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Another film is made. It is a good film.
Era of Much Pain (1999 – 2005 ABY)
Things happen. Things that J.J.Abrams will learn from. Won’t you, Jeffrey?
Age of the Zuckerberg (2006 ABY – )
Facebook is opened to the public, an ever-growing number of your friends now proceed to post ‘May the 4th be with you! LOL” “HaHA Today is Star Wars Day hahahaha” on your newsfeed.
It’s okay though, because you want your friends to have/like nice things.
However, this also gives way to a certain type who will use this sacred day to exclaim “I’ve never actually seen Star Wars!”
But as we all know, in the words of Marshall Eriksen, “the only people in the universe who haven’t seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars. And that’s ‘cause they lived them! That’s ‘cause they lived the Star Wars.’
So, they’re basically just fucking liars.
Battle for Recognition (- Ongoing ABY)
I find this lack of Public Holiday disturbing.
