Cop This Very Official MasterChef Finale Drinking Game If You’ve Got Some Sort Of Death Wish

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Published

July 20, 2020

It’s almost time, folks. The MasterChef: Back to Win Grand Finale hits screens tonight from 7:30pm AET, bringing a formal end to one of – if not the – best seasons of MasterChef in history.

Who will emerge victorious from all of this? Will it be Emelia Jackson, the dessert whiz-cum-culinary all-rounder whose centred calm has put her into rarefied air over the past few weeks? Or will it be Laura Sharrad, hauling herself over the line on the back of an immaculately cooked spaghetti noodle?

Whoever winds up winning gets to etch their name on the Ceremonial Plate that eluded them so cruelly in their original seasons, righting a wrong that’s been eating away at them ever since leaving the show the first time.

As for all of us at home, fuck it. Here’s a drinking game to go along with tonight’s finale. Most of the country’s in lockdown. Who cares. Crack a tube and let’s get (responsibly) stuck into it.

Please to enjoy these totally arbitrary instructions for how much to drink when certain speculative events occur.

DRINK…

A TEASPOON

When there are tears. From anyone. Not just Laura or Emelia. Anyone. There will be plenty. This will be frequent.
When they march Reynold back into the kitchen to watch the final cook-off and he straight up looks like he wants to die.
When Andy thinks a dish is “bangin’,” Jock mentions anything to do with growing up in Scotland, or Melissa does that slow chewing/eating thing she does which is weirdly very hot? Any one of ’em, drink.
Every time you get blinded by the Ceremonial Prop Plate kicking up more lens flare than a short-sighted disco dancer.

A TABLESPOON

When Poh exhibits any kind of chaotic energy up on the gantry.
When one of the judges announces a score of 10/10 and you suddenly have George Calombaris’ wage-thieving voice cannoning that sentence around in your head. Drink to forget.
If any form of bay leaf, the hype ingredient of the series, is used. Bay leaf oil, bay leaf ice cream, bloody… bay leaf-wrapped hot dogs. Whatever. Drink up.
When Andy Allen once again mentions that he does not like cake. Just in case you’ve forgotten.

HALF A CUP

When the godforsaken Hibachi Grill makes one final appearance. It’s been the real star of the show all year long. It’s earned its spot in the finale.
When you involuntarily scream “what the FUCK is THAT” when the inevitably fucked-up final Pressure Test dessert is revealed.
If we are blessed – mind, body and soul – by one last energetic Sarah Tiong fist-pump for the year.
If someone breaks the fourth wall as hard as – if not harder than – Katy Perry. What a glorious chaotic mess.

THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ THING

If anyone makes any reference – direct, indirect, or otherwise – to the haunted White Chocolate Velouté. Throw a whole one down for King John, who should have been in this season.
When either Laura or Emelia’s Dad wanders into the kitchen and is just the most solid Kent of all.
When the cast inevitably drops all social distancing protocols and finally hugs the living shit out of each other after the winner’s announcement.
When Jock screams “LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR X, EVERYBODY!!!!” at the end of the episode. Partly because every time he’s done that previously it’s made you want to shrivel up and die, but mostly because that officially brings MasterChef 2020 to a close. It’s over. It’s done. You’ve made it. You’re free now.