RIGHTO: tonight’s episode of Married At First Sight was a bloody fork to the eyeball. I don’t mean Martha and Michael, they’re a delight – their names start with the same letter. I’m talking about Ines (Ines? Innes? Iiiiines? Toxic woman????) and Bronson (“Brendan HahHHHAhahHah”).
Where to begin? At first glance, we don’t mind Ines. She’s a legal assistant “really passionate about human rights”, she’s confident, and knows what she wants. Sure, okay, let’s do this.
The first words she says to entrepreneur Bronson are, “Hi Bronson, can we get rid of your eyebrow ring please.”
Elizabeth: I must be the most ‘confident’ bride on this show.
Ines: hold my beer 🍻#mafs
— Erna Glassford (@SimplyCheecky) February 4, 2019
OH HO but wait. Ines tells producers, “The first time I saw him I wanted to punch him in the jaw. I don’t know why, it was just my instincts.”
Who says that?
“I don’t know anyone with an eyebrow ring except for lesbians who work at McDonalds drive thru.”
— Married At First Sight (@MarriedAU) February 4, 2019
Not to mention, she described Bronson as having an “inbred vibe” just because he’s from the country.
Now, take that one long-extremely-atrocious-insult and multiply it by about ten because that’s the rest of their portion of the episode. Why? Because Ines finds out Bronson used to be a stripper – quelle horreur – and declares it’s “gross” before proceeding to tell everyone Bronson used to be a stripper.
“The fact he was a stripper, that is purely disgusting to me. That’s like me saying, yesterday I was a heroin addict and today I’m not,” she said. “This is pure bottom of the barrel. This is mortifying, it’s purely disgusting.”
Bronson cannot even sleep in a GODDAMN ONESIE ON THE COUCH THE SIZE OF HIS THIGH without Ines saying something rude. And what does he do? He goes with it. He just goes. with. it.
Meanwhile, across the country.
I can’t deal with anus I mean ines. #MAFSAU
— Jack Buchanan (@jack11buchanan) February 4, 2019
— Perry (@pezlaz25) February 4, 2019
I am honestly so disgusted with Ines, imagine being invested in human rights and social justice and carrying on about someone being a stripper in their past, I really wanted to like her at the start of the episode I don’t even know what happened #MAFS pic.twitter.com/FMHIEofTfq
— lauren 👽 (@lollieves) February 4, 2019
Kinda annoying that #mafs producers put a guy like Bronson who is probably a genuine bloke with someone who is a total asshole for drama. I get that it’s television, but still feels like a shit move for the guy.
— keegs (@keegs) February 4, 2019
Never thought I would be cheering for a dudebro with an eyebrow ring named Bronson but here we are. #MAFS
— Guzman Wye Gomez (@jwyeNFL) February 4, 2019
Ines: “Can we get rid of your eyebrow ring please?”
— Whyischeesepink🍥 (@mdiab9) February 4, 2019
Ines: I support human rights but also I will look down on sex workers because I think they’re less than human.
— Kirsty (@imhellakirsty) February 4, 2019
Ines: Hi Bronson, can we get rid of your eyebrow ring please?
The rest of Australia to Ines: Can we get rid if your shitty personality please? #MAFS
— Susan (@NovaStar77) February 4, 2019
I’m sure there’s an old proverb about people with shoulder tats shouldn’t complain about eyebrow rings #MAFS
— Ben Shute (@Ben_Shute) February 4, 2019
— Hero (@hierohero1) February 4, 2019
— Kavisha Di Pietro (@kavishadipietro) February 4, 2019
Bronson’s family looks so heartbroken with Ines and her stupid comments, it’s so upsetting #MAFS
— Jen (@Jenna76051130) February 4, 2019
BIG BLOODY SIGH.
But, look, the episode wasn’t all bad.
Martha and Michael’s ceremony was genuinely adorable and I may or may not have semi-sobbed when Martha’s grandma got all emotional.
In conclusion: Bronson mispronounced Ines’ name and made a joke that it sounded like anus.