We’ve got three days left of Love Island Australia now mates, which means a) we get our lives back (until Bachie starts lol) and b) these awful cretin-humans will finally be out of our lives, except for the bit where we stalk their social media for break-up goss.
Last night saw Mac and Sad Boi FINALLY leave the villa – how those two were still around, we have no idea – and fisticuffs at dawn become imminent for Grant and Eden as they get all riled up in their standard neanderthal way.
Here’s all our drivelly thoughts for you.
JOSIE: Omg I’m here. I am watching Love Island.
MEL: You’re here/ I’m proud and excited to talk about my favourite bullshit show.
JOSIE: I need to show you my massaman.
MEL: Please do. I had ramen but forgot to take a photo for you for this bit where we show each other our dinner for literally no reason.
JOSIE:
MEL: Ah delicious, and half eaten too!
JOSIE: Leftovers from last night so obviously it was fucken outrageously good.
MEL: OMG, the cat’s name is BENATAR. They’ve named the cat. You know, I wish I could just vote for the cat at this point. I think the entirety of this shows fanbase agrees that we prefer the cat over anyone else.
JOSIE: I’m obsessed with the cat. The cat wins. Dom is currently complaining about someone “not being legit”, and I tell you that cat is too legit to quit.
MEL: Oooh that’s to Josh – he doesn’t know if Amelia is legit. This is spicy Josie.
JOSIE: Ah right.
MEL: It’s the spiciest thing currently happening. He basically thinks Amelia might be just in it to win it.
JOSIE: Similar to Millie with Whoever That Man Is.
MEL: He likes Amelia, but he has doubts she genuinely likes him. Millie is trash. She’s just 1000% fake whereas Amelia is sneaky. She SEEMS like she’s genuine but then she made this speech last night and that’s what the doubts are from – it sounded really fake.
JOSIE: Ah, so of course Millie’s here sympathising with Amelia.
MEL: Fully.
JOSIE: She’s like “doll never be genuine with your feelings, be a sociopath like me”.
MEL: I don’t get these people though like wouldn’t you want to crush the competition at this point? I’d be such an asshole I’d be like “idkkkk DO you like him? Do you? Don’t you think when he laughs he sounds a bit like a weed-cutter?” S A B O T A G E.
JOSIE: If Amelia’s trying to win Josh back she’s doing a shit job – she’s upset and sorry about her crap speech, but is not saying the nice things he wants to hear?? She’s like “oh man I could have said so many things about you” *crickets*.
MEL: Yeah that was an extremely average attempt to fix shit. It’s kind of weird that he’s so upset though. Her speech was a bit weird but it wasn’t SUPER weird?
JOSIE: Who is this large lizard tanned man.
MEL: Hahahaha. That’s Mark. The man Millie’s ~suuuuuper intooooo~.
JOSIE: This is mean, but I’m not into him. I’d rather make out with Eden’s butt. Mel they’re talking about the speech again. What did Amelia say in the speech.
MEL: I can’t even remember tbh it just sounded disingenuous. Like really scripted.
JOSIE: Did she just get up and make Hitler’s Stalingrad speech of 1942 bc that’s the level of seriousness that’s being shown here.
MEL: Hahahaha, that is exactly how Josh is acting hey.
JOSIE: And then when she wrote her poem and he was like “Oh is that the end I thought there was more HAHAHA”. He literally wants her to perform the entirety of Shakespeare’s most romantic sonnets as an apology.
MEL: Her stupid song-speech was mildly cute in like a why-am-I-smiling way. You know when you’re like “GROSS but also I’m shedding a tear”. Josh is a DELIGHT by the way. My new fave. Angel boy.
JOSIE: Meanwhile Dom’s poem for Shelby in which he said she had a nice ass made my vagina fuse shut.
MEL: I was like this:
JOSIE: On another note, I low key wanna know what footy player Millie allegedly banged. Eden tellllll me!
MEL: Same same same, they keep mentioning it and Millie is getting so pissed off.
JOSIE: Wait, Sad Boi is still here?
MEL: I had to stop calling him New Guy and change to Sad Boi bc he LITERALLY WON’T LEAVE, JOSIE. How is he still here?
JOSIE: It’s probably been 5 diff guys that they’re just switching out and no one has noticed. Meanwhile, Mark is a colour not found in nature. What shade is that tan.
MEL: I know, it’s like he filled a bath with Extra Dark fake tan, and then lay in it marinating for a week before entering the villa. He’s a burnt orange.
JOSIE: Millie is SUCH A LIAR. “I never thought it was a game I’m offended by people who say it’s a game”.
MEL: Lololol she’s absolutely playing a fucking game
JOSIE: She’s possibly the biggest game player. She’s lying to herself so much she’s believing it. Oh my fave moment of any ep! “OIYE GORT A TIXT!”
MEL: Hahaha. Lol what even is this nursing challenge. It’s so nuts I maybe like it.
JOSIE: I’m into it, it’s offensive to both sick people and nurses.
MEL: Eden to Erin after the spits out her water: “We’ve got a spitter”, hahahaha. Fuck I am so torn with those two. They’re easily the most entertaining in the villa but also complete assholes.
JOSIE: Erin and Eden are those really intense people who seem like a fun zesty slightly mad couple but if you dare to touch either one of them they will straight up cut your genitalia off.
MEL: YESSSS, like are you play fighting or is someone about to die, we don’t know.
JOSIE: Like especially after exactly 3.5 vodka sodas. You’d never be able to relax around them. Meanwhile in this fight, I believe I’m on Eden’s side. He’s calling her on putting on a show.
MEL: Yeah totally.
JOSIE: And now she’s like “god get away from me”, but she’s the one who wanted to have a go at him? I do feel for Erin though a bit, because as a fellow Hysterical Female I cannot talk normally. And I hate it when people to tell me to talk normally, like Eden was doing to her.
MEL: Omg Sad Boi in that face mask is a mood.
JOSIE: That face mask is too small for Sad Bois large bonce.
MEL: It really is.
JOSIE: I was speechless over Grant admitting that Tayla told him he’s “dumb as fuck”. Mate stop laughing, it means you will last 0.5 min in the real world. You’ll be in the air somewhere over the Indian Ocean and that girl will dump your dumb arse.
MEL: Absolutely, there is no way Grant and Tayla are lasting beyond a week after this show ends.
JOSIE: Millie pretending to be excited over this date with Mark is hilarious. “Woo hoo.” Like literally she said a totally devoid-of-energy Woo Hoo about 16 times.
MEL: Hahaha fully. She’s like “Yayyyy…”
JOSIE: When she says things like “I’m a crazy nightmare good luck dating me HAHAHAHA”, you know what vibes I get from her?
MEL: Yessss. God these dates are always so stale. Like a lump of half eaten bread that then dropped on the floor and dried out.
JOSIE: That date was actually just two people cheers-ing tinnies? With zero chemistry.
MEL: Oh God, this kiss thing. Horrible. The way Millie was like “do it like THIS”.
JOSIE: I’ve honestly had more chemistry with a Deliveroo driver. Meanwhile, Sad Boi has changed actors I’m sure of it. Mac hasn’t even noticed I’m pretty sure she’s asleep with her eyes open.
MEL: I actually love Sad Boi and Mac. Everyone else is trash RN.
JOSIE: Yeah but she’s so off it now. “Yeah it’s been fun…”
MEL: Ooh yes the vote-off. Ah, I see Millie’s gone goth for this vote. Just one random goth dressing moment.
JOSIE: I’m enjoying this dramatic sacrificial gathering around the fire pit. Do they throw in the reject couple?
MEL: I hope the reject couple becomes a fire sacrifice.
JOSIE: And they toss in fake tan bottles to accelerate the flames. Ew Dom just made out with Shelby’s nose. At this point he contributes nothing aside from sexist poems and nose play.
MEL: He’s such a boofhead.
JOSIE: Surely Grant and Tayla won’t get booted tonight?
MEL: Honestly, do we think Australia likes them though? Meanwhile I thought Tayla was taking a nervous selfie. But she was scratching her nose.
JOSIE: Mac saying “Nothing’s ever easy” – says the girl who has had a free trip to Spain and several eligible men hand-delivered to her.
MEL: And everyone being like “He’s your best friend and she’s my best friend” like you’re here for 3 more days mates. Who cares. Send them all home.
JOSIE: My vote? Everyone leaves except the cat.
MEL: I have legit never seen Amelia speak to Sad Boi, and now she is saying he is her bestie. Meanwhile controversial but Dom and Shelby are kind of great.
JOSIE: They’re both so incredibly stupid. But in a fun harmless way.
MEL: I just loved how everyone was like “let’s have a deep convo” and Dom/Shelby go “let’s say the person we want to get rid of at the same time on the count of 3!”
JOSIE: They probably spent the rest of the time kissing, or twirling each other’s hair.
MEL: Grant legit has no idea what Tayla is even saying. He is like I don’t care. Kick out anyone.
JOSIE: Tayla is being really intense and strategic and Grant is just thinking that his balls are still itchy from earlier in the episode.
MEL: This is savage, them telling the couples why they want to boot them. “We would rather spend more time with these people bc they’re genuine”.
JOSIE: As if Erin didn’t just boss Eden into voting Millie off.
MEL: A TIE.
JOSIE: A HUNG JURY. A MISTRIAL. They have to go vote AGAIN and Grant is still giving precisely zero shits about the proceedings. He is literally me RN.
MEL: He wants dinner and the producers won’t feed him til this decision is made.
JOSIE: Why is Eden so intense. One minute he’s chatting and nek minit he’s like “DON’T FUCKEN LOOK AT MY MISSUS LIKE THAT”. They frighten me those two.
MEL: Same, fuck. I feel like an any point he’s going to punch the glass veranda out.
JOSIE: His fuse is 2mm long.
MEL: I was definitely here for Erin ripping into Grant though.
JOSIE: OMG, Tayla being all *seething, whisper-yelling* “I TOLD you to sit there and not say anything” to Grant. What a vibe.
MEL: Ahahaha extremely into it.
JOSIE: Millie’s body language is amazing. Just standing with her arms by her sides.
MEL: She’s so off Mark.
JOSIE: Can feel the chemistry coming outta my telly.
MEL: OH MY GOD, SAD BOI IS FINALLY FUCKING LEAVING. Ok I just love Sad Boi now. He started sad. He ended sad. He was sad all through the middle. He has a consistent brand of Eeyore.
Hahahaha Sad Boi: “if you’re in love with me, now is the time Mac” hahahaha. That was cute.
JOSIE: Mac is good to step in and stop that lame bitch fight between Millie and Erin. But why do Mac and Sad Boi keep making speeches it’s like Bridesmaids. When does it end. OH GOOD THEY’RE LEAVING. Well that’s me done.
MEL: Lol that trailer for next ep. As if Grant’s going to actually leave the villa. That isn’t happening. I can’t believe there’s only 3 more to go. What will I do with all my spare time. Okkk off to read my high brow literature to cleanse my brain.
JOSIE: I just can’t believe the fkn psychos on this island. I’m off to read my Ted Bundy book. Finally, someone sane!
MEL: Hahaha brain twins as always:
JOSIE: BRAIN TWINS. Ok see you back here for the finale.
MEL: Byeeeee.
