Say what you will about Pauline Hanson, but at least she can cook you up a serve of fish and chips – that’s more than can currently be said for MKR‘s self-described ‘seafood king’ Josh and his partner in crime Amy, whose instant restaurant was so bad that people straight-up ran from the table to have a spew. Okay, so one person did that, and that person was Alyse, who is actually, literally the worst and would do just about anything if it meant more screen time …
Still though, vomiting is not a great look. Speaking of vomit, Channel 7 really outdid themselves when assembling the current instant restaurant bracket, which contains the most vibrant and diverse array of dickheads we’ve seen on My Kitchen Rules in some time. To recap, so far in the hall of shame, we have:
1. Albert and Dave, who seemed like quite nice guys, until they drastically low-balled Duncan and Court‘s perfectly good instant restaurant with a score of three out of ten, such was their thirst to remain in the competition.2. Matt, who called Amy ugly in front of the whole table, and then blamed “feminism” when people got upset.3. Man of the hour Josh, who condescendingly told Tully that he doesn’t consider her much of a threat in the competition because … I don’t know. Because she’s a girl? Because she’s blonde? Fucked if I know, but Tully’s out for blood, and at this point, I don’t blame her.
In some ways, they’re an exciting bunch, because terrible people make for great reality TV, but having said that, if the elimination twist is that Albert, Dave, Matt and Josh all end up going home, I’d be fine with that.
As of last night, though, Amy and Josh are at the bottom of the leader board, and are actually staring defeat in the face. You might say that the seafood-loving couple from W.A. are really floundering in the competition, that they’ve gotten in too deep and are sunk; you might say that they are kraken under the pressure, that they are small fish in a big pond or that their cooking is a load of carp and is so bad that it could krill. AQUATIC WORDPLAY. Okay, I’m done. Actually, wait … you could say that these two kids are cray. Now I’m done. Point is, their instant restaurant is bad.
You know things are not going swimmingly on MKR when they start flashing up a countdown clock on the screen to show you how long it’s been between meals, and oh boy, do we get some hot clock action tonight. Once the teams are seated, they have to wait an eye-watering two-and-a-quarter hours before the entree of chorizo-stuffed squid hits the table. Now, I’m not saying that MKR sets its aspiring chefs up for failure by putting them in rented kitchens full of faulty equipment, but … wait, actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Josh has just the one shitty induction cooktop to work with tonight, and of course, his squid won’t char properly, which puts him on the back foot and sets the theme for the whole night.
While the couples wait for their entrees, the producers circle the table and encourage them to come up with freestyle raps about how hungry and impatient they are. Duncan, to his credit, seems utterly bloody mortified by this whole experience, and is clearly wondering what the hell he signed up for:
Spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti
When the entree finally arrives, it’s a disappointment. Josh’s chorizo is not chunky enough – which has to be some kind of Freudian thing – while the tomato sauce tastes like it came straight out of a can. Pete says that it’s “not worthy of this competition”, which, for a cooking show that literally just had a freestyle rap battle around the table, seems like a pretty damning critique.
With a further two-and-a-half hour wait between entree and main, Josh and Amy’s beer-battered fish and shoestring fries would have to be one seriously bloody impressive dish to turn things around. Not surprisingly, it turns out to be the low point of the evening. The induction cooktop strikes again, and the oil is way too hot then way too cold, meaning that the first batch of fries is burned to a crisp and that the second is gluggy and disgusting. Not only does this fuck-up mean that they have to forego the beer batter on the fish, but the tartar sauce tastes too much like gherkin, so their solution is to add a big wallop of sour cream. Now look, I’m no expert on fine dining – I actually had a fistful of Maccas gravy fries and an expired pickle for breakfast this morning – but even I’m pretty confident that’s terrible idea.
You used to call me on my shell phone
Soooo … at this point, we need to talk about Alyse. Alyse is a fashion stylist from Brisbane, and I would encourage you to read that sentence again and try not to laugh (look, before you lot fucken start with me, I’m from Brisbane too, so I’m allowed to say that). Aside from the fact that she has the most spectacularly mean look on her face every time the camera cuts to her, Alyse’s defining trait is that she doesn’t like seafood, as it tends to make her vomit. Now, knowing this, the producers of MKR wouldn’t go ahead and chuck her into an instant restaurant bracket where literally everybody serves up some kind of fish, and there’s a guy who actually calls himself the ‘seafood king’, right …?
Right.
So yeah. When the main of fish and chips comes out to the table, it’s a bit too much for Alyse to handle, and in the most dramatic moment of the evening, she runs off to the bathroom to have a vom. Whether or not she’s faking – and far be it from me to accuse anybody on MKR of playing the drama up for the cameras – it’s a pretty damning critique. Josh actually apologises for the fish, and at this point, I kinda just feel bad for him.
Dessert is some kind of pudding situation … I don’t even remember or care what it is and I can’t be arsed re-watching the episode to find out, because I’m done. Manu somewhat likes it, Pete doesn’t – it probably doesn’t have enough bone broth and liver in it or some fucken thing. Anyway, Josh and Amy end up on the bottom of the leader board, with a score of 43 out of 110 – it’s the worst in the current bracket, although still somehow better than when poor Bek and Ash bottomed out last week. The one salvageable thing from this whole mess is the below video of Josh’s former modelling portfolio that Channel 7 somehow conveniently found and released yesterday. Enjoy responsibly:
That leaves Josh and Amy and Albert and David on the bottom, with two teams left to cook in this bracket, although paper of record The Daily Mail says that MKR is about to be ROCKED BY ITS BIGGEST CHEATING SCANDAL EVER thanks to Matt and Alyse, so we’ll have to wait and see how that one turns out.
